No Hard Feelings
by eorocks
Summary: Olivia has moved on since Elliot left, partnering with Nick Amaro. She hasn't forgotten about Elliot, despite how hard she's tried. And for Elliot, it's the same. They haven't been in touch, but someone from their past may drive them together.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I don't usually write stories after S13…after Elliot left. I think I've only written one. But I thought I'd try it again. This is set in early season 14. Definitely not canon. Let me know if you like it.

EOEOEOEO

"Liv."

Olivia looked up from her desk, and saw Nick walk into the squad room, carrying a vase full of red roses. She pushed her chair back as walked over towards her. "Aw Nick. You shouldn't have." She said with a smile.

Nick chuckled and gave her one of his disarming grins. "I didn't." He said as he set the flowers on her desk.

Cragen walked out of his office. "Amaro bought you flowers?" He asked as he stopped by Olivia's desk.

"It wasn't me." Nick chimed in quickly before Olivia could even answer. He raised an eyebrow at her as he rounded his desk and faced her. "But someone's trying to impress you." He sat down in his chair. "Two dozen roses ain't cheap."

Fin and Munch walked into the squad room and caught Nick's last comment. "Must have been one helluva night." Munch quipped as he sat down at his desk, and he shot Olivia a lascivious grin. "Care to share the details?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. She hadn't said a word and they already had her hiding a lover. If they only knew how close to the truth they were. "You wish." She teased, playing along. But then she turned her attention back to the flowers, wondering who could have sent them. It wouldn't have been Brian…things were too new, and they had agreed to keep things under wraps. Sending a bouquet would lead to the kinds of questions she was getting right now. Besides…she didn't really think Brian was the type to spend a lot of money on flowers.

"I know _I_ don't wanna hear about it." Fin said, sitting down across from Munch. "And I don't care who they're from." He opened a file on his desk and started shuffling through the papers inside.

John looked back at Amaro. "You should have read the card."

Cragen looked back at Olivia. "Would you please read the card, so we can solve this mystery and get back to work?" He asked pointedly, letting his gaze move around at the group of detectives seated around him.

Olivia hadn't realized a note was enclosed, but now that the Captain had mentioned it, she stood up and looked for one. A small white envelope was nestled deep in the foliage, and Olivia plucked it from where it was attached. She slid it open and pulled out a matching white card. It had a gold foil stamp with the name of the flower shop at the top and the note was written in black script.

 _No hard feelings._

Olivia furrowed her brow, confused by the message. She had written Brian off already, and the message confirmed that. They hadn't had a fight…they'd only just reconnected and there hadn't even been time to disagree about anything.

She thought about the message again and wracked her memory for someone that had crossed her path that would feel the need to apologize…or that she owed an apology to. She had dated a few men in the past year, but never agreed to a second date with any of them. There was no unfinished business there. The dates had been fine, but nothing special. She hadn't had much enthusiasm for starting a new relationship since…

 _David Haden._

There was no reason David would be sending her flowers; their relationship had ended painfully, but on good terms. Although…it was a change in his career that had pushed him to choose the job over her. It had wrecked her because for the first time in a long time, she had opened herself up to love…she had let herself fall for him. It was the most vulnerable she'd been in a long time, and the relationship had sprung up unexpectedly, at a time that she was still reeling from the loss of…

 _Elliot._

Olivia read the card again, and sat down hard in her chair, holding the small white note in her hands. She thought about his last day in the squad room. The way he had looked at her from across the room. The dozens and dozens of text messages and voicemails she'd left for him.

All unanswered.

She remembered vividly the crisp white envelope that had arrived months later, with the words Semper Fi and the medal he'd sent. She had worn that around her neck…wedged between her breasts…like a broken schoolgirl. She had cried a million tears…until there was nothing left.

And then the anger had come, and she had ripped it from around her neck. She wasn't going to accept his consolation prize. She had decided she wasn't going to pine after Elliot Stabler any longer. All those years, she had thought she had meant something to him, but he had left her without a word. He had shut her off completely; hadn't given her any opportunity to talk to him…and then he'd sent her that stupid medal. As if that meant something.

Once she'd gotten over her grief, she realized that he had shown her exactly what she meant to him.

Nothing.

There was no reason Elliot would be sending her flowers now.

"Not going to reveal your mystery man?"

Olivia looked up. She had been so lost in thought, she hadn't even seen Nick walk over to where she was sitting. "Huh? Oh. I don't know." She gave him a small smile. "It's not signed. I don't know who they're from." Nick didn't look like he believed her, but he let it go.

"C'mon." he nodded towards the door. "We got a call. Vic is at Mercy."

Olivia stood up and slipped the note back into the foliage. The mystery would have to wait for now.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot snagged the mail out of the mailbox before he unlocked the front door and slipped inside. It was quiet and dark inside the house; something he could never quite get used to. Eli was still at school, but even when he got home, the din would be minimal compared to earlier times. All the other kids were out of the house…working or going to school. They were living their lives, and he saw them when he could. But it would never be the same.

Sometimes he regretted the time he missed with them. The time he spent at work. But mostly he was at peace with it. He'd done what he had to do to support his family, and what he'd felt obligated to do…to try to make the world a better place.

Elliot tossed the mail on the table, on top of a pile that was already sitting there. He grumbled as the added weight knocked the myriad of envelopes to the floor. He knelt to scoop it up, and saw a heavy, white envelope, addressed to him. He scooped up the rest of the mail and set it back on the table, but he held on to the item with his name on it.

He turned the envelope over, but there was no return address and no other markings on the envelope. No stamp or postmark…which means it had been hand delivered.

Someone was under the impression that he still lived here, even though it had been almost a year since he and Kathy had split for good.

Elliot heard the front door bang open and realized he had missed meeting Eli at the bus.

"Mom!"

Elliot pushed up from the table and left the envelope behind as he walked quickly into the front room. "Hey buddy." He said, and he smiled when he saw the big grin on Eli's face.

"Hi Daddy!" Eli said, rushing over and wrapping his arms around his thighs.

Elliot lifted him up and gave him a big hug. "I missed you."

"Me too." Eli said. He squirmed out of Elliot's arms. "Where's Mommy?"

"Mommy went away on a little trip with Aunt Susan…remember? Daddy is staying here for a few days until she gets back."

"Oh yeah." Eli said, dropping his backpack on the floor. "I'm hungry. Mom usually lets me have cookies for a snack after school." Eli said as he headed for the kitchen.

Elliot laughed, trailing behind him. "Nice try." He said. "How about an apple and some peanut butter?" He heard Eli sigh when he realized he wasn't going to get away with much, but Eli got over it quickly. Elliot had to admire him for trying, but he knew the routine. He and Kathy had been able to manage co-parenting pretty well.

Not that it was easy. They'd come so far since that fateful day he had walked out of the squad room. He'd had a lot to overcome, and the first six months had been really rough. Months of counseling had give him the skills to cope with the nightmares and the loss.

So much loss.

Loss of life, his job, his confidence and…her. _Olivia._

There wasn't a day that passed that he didn't still think about all those things, but he knew how to cope with them now.

Couples counseling had made he and Kathy realize there was no failure in admitting their marriage was over. Neither had shed any tears. They had put all their energy into figuring out how to move forward.

And a year later, things were better than he ever could have imagined they would be. Elliot spent a fair amount of time at the house, with and without Kathy, so that the parenting duties didn't all fall on her.

Eli sat at the table, chattering about his day and his teacher and his friends while Elliot got his snack together. Elliot sat down across from him as he ate and peppered him with questions to fill in the blanks, and they discussed options for dinner and their evening together.

….

Elliot scooped all the Legos into the bucket, smiling at the fun they'd had building forts and towers. He wandered into the kitchen to clean up the mess from dinner, and when he was done, he grabbed a beer out of the refrigeration. He always appreciated that Kathy still kept some of his favorites for when he was there.

He started towards the living room, when he saw the white envelope still sitting on the table. He snatched it off the table as he passed and plopped down on the couch. There wasn't much on TV, but he finally landed on Rangers hockey game. The game was just starting, and Elliot focused on the screen as he opened the envelope.

"Damn it." He cursed as the paper sliced into his finger. Elliot pressed his finger against the paper cut, cursing as he slid the white card stock out from the envelope. There was nothing on it and Elliot flipped it over.

 _How are Kathy and the kids? Good I hope._

Elliot furrowed his brows, puzzled by the message. There was no signature…nothing to indicate where the note had originated from. He grabbed the envelope and examined it again. But it was as he remembered…no stamp and no cancellation mark from the post office.

Elliot read the message again. Even though there was no direct threat, the words made him uneasy. He slid his cellphone from his pocket, and dialed Kathy's number.

"Hey." Kathy answered on the second ring. "Is everything okay?"

Elliot could hear the alarm in her voice. "Everything's fine." He said, wanting to reassure her quickly. "Is everything okay there?"

"Yeah…everything is fine." Kathy said.

Elliot could tell she was still wary. "Kath. Everything is fine. I just…I needed to check."

"OK."

One thing they had both learned was not to try to read too much into what the other was saying, and to take things at face value. He could tell she understood that for whatever reason, he just needed to hear her voice. "Having a good time?"

They chatted for a few moments, and when he hung up with her, he called each of his kids in turn. Everyone seemed to be doing just fine, and he felt more at ease just hearing their voices. He focused on the hockey again, writing it off as nothing.

But a few minutes later, he picked it up again.

 _How are Kathy and the kids? Good I hope._

Who in the hell would have sent it? Elliot looked at the envelope. It was addressed to him here at the house, so it was someone that didn't know that he didn't live here any longer. So, that ruled out anyone from the past year and a half.

That ruled out family and neighbors and common friends. Friends of the kids.

That gave the note a more ominous tone. Although, if Elliot was honest with himself, his mind had already gone there. It was the reason he had called Kathy and the kids.

A handwritten, plain white note with no signature wasn't from someone that was genuinely concerned about his family's welfare.

His cell phone rang, and the sound startled him. He hadn't realized how quiet it was in the house with the sound muted on the TV and Eli sound asleep. He snatched the phone off the coffee table, and saw Kathleen's number on caller ID.

He should have expected she would call back. Of all his children, she was the one he was the closest too. Kathleen had helped convince him to go to therapy, and they'd spent hours talking. She knew there was something behind his call to her.

"Hey Kathleen." He answered, trying to push the sound of worry from his voice. He leaned back on the couch, settling in for the conversation. "Tell me what's going on in your life? How're things with what's-his-name?"

"Things with Joe are good. And nice try changing the subject…" Kathleen said. "Tell me what's going on."

Elliot debated about what to share with his daughter, but they'd reached a point in therapy where they'd agreed to leave the bullshit behind them. "I got a strange note with the mail today…"

"And your spidey senses were tingling?" Kathleen said with a small laugh.

"Something like that." Elliot said. "I just needed to check in."

"I understand." Kathleen said.

"You haven't noticed anything strange?" Elliot asked.

"Nope." Kathleen said. "But you know we're all careful Dad. We learned from the best. Don't walk home alone…pay attention to your surroundings…" She started to rattle off, but Elliot cut her off.

"Yeah, yeah." Elliot said with a smile. He had hated that the darkness he had seen on a daily basis had made him overzealous sometimes.

Kathleen's took on a serious tone. "Seriously Dad. We might give you grief about it, but we were paying attention. And we took it seriously. We _take_ it seriously. If we noticed anything, we'd call you."

Elliot nodded, even though Kathleen couldn't see him. "I know sweetheart."

"You good?" Kathleen asked.

"Yeah…I'm good."

"Alright. Gotta go." Kathleen said. "Love you!"

Elliot started to tell her the same, but she was gone. He leaned against the back of the couch and turned back to the hockey game. The Rangers were on a power play, and he tried to focus. But seconds later, he looked back at the note on the coffee table. There had to be some meaning behind it, but he couldn't imagine who it was from or what it was about.

He picked it up and analyzed the words…the writing.

It wasn't handwriting he recognized…and the words were innocuous. It could literally be from anyone.

Anyone from his past.

It made him think about his days in the NYPD…about how often his family had been threatened. About all the rough cases and the impact on him. And on Olivia.

As usual, an image of her came to him instantly. He closed his eyes and let himself indulge in his memories for a moment, but then he forced his eyes open and tried to clear his mind. Thinking about her wasn't something he let himself do with any great frequency. He had let her go…

At least that's what he told himself.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks for your interest in this story and I'm sorry it took me so long to get this update out! Thanks for your reviews!

EOEOEOEO

Olivia jolted awake at the sound of her cell phone ringing. It felt like she had just fallen asleep, and she heard Brian groaning beside her. She didn't even look at the time as she hit the button to answer the call.

"Benson." She said, her voice groggy from sleep.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"Wha…?"

Olivia didn't get the word out of her mouth before the caller interrupted.

"You weren't working late…" The male caller continued, his voice slow and deliberate. "But I suppose…were you up late with that man in your apartment? I can only imagine what the two of you were doing."

Olivia sat up quickly, looking around. She reached out to Brian and grabbed his arm, tugging it as the caller continued.

"Tsk. Tsk. Detective…" The gravelly voice clucked his tongue in disapproval. "Kind of cliché isn't it? Sleeping with another cop?"

"Who is this?" Olivia whispered. She could feel her heart beating rapidly. Someone was watching her…had seen Brian coming into her apartment.

"It's almost like you've forgotten about me."

Olivia was wracking her brain, trying to tie the voice to a face. There was something familiar about it…the tone and the rhythm. But it alluded her. She heard Brian asking who it was on the phone as he pushed himself up so that he was sitting next to her. She ignored him as the caller kept talking.

"I haven't forgotten about you…"

Olivia disconnected the call and tossed the phone on the bed.

"Who was that?" Brian asked.

Olivia shook her head as she looked over at Brian. "I don't know." She slid her legs out from beneath the blankets and grabbed her gun from her nightstand. She walked slowly towards the window and turned sideways so she could peer out through the blinds from the right. There weren't any lights on in the bedroom, so she knew no one outside would be able to see inside. Her eyes darted around, but it was virtually impossible to try to figure out someone could be hiding. There were too many windows and rooftops…parked cars and moving vehicles.

"What's going on?"

Olivia turned from the window and could see Brian's shadow as he climbed out of bed.

"I don't know." Olivia started moving towards the bedroom door, but Brian snagged her arm, forcing her to stop in her tracks.

"Tell me what's going on." He repeated.

Olivia felt her impatience growing, annoyed by his questions. "I don't know." She snapped at him. "There was a man on the phone. He seemed to know me. And he knew that you were here."

"He knew I was here?" Brian asked quickly. "So, it's someone that knows both of us."

Olivia knew that Brian thought it was ridiculous to keep their new relationship under wraps, and she could hear it in his voice. "He didn't mention you by name." The thought was nagging in the back of her mind though…he knew it was another cop. She pulled her arm from Brian's grasp and walked quickly into the living room. She cursed the fact that she hadn't drawn the living room shades and she snuck into the kitchen and turned off the light on the stove.

Brian followed her closely as she checked the lock on the door and pulled down the shades on the large windows in the sitting area.

"What did he say that's got you so spooked?" Brian asked.

Olivia stopped abruptly at the counter separating the living room from the kitchen. Brian was so close behind that he ran right into her. and Olivia's gun made a sound as it hit the counter. She pushed back angrily, and Brian took a few steps back.

"I'm not spooked." She said, even though she knew he wouldn't believe her. She could feel the tension in her muscles…the adrenaline running through her system.

"BS. You're not going to tell me what he said?" Brian asked. There was annoyance in his voice.

Olivia gave him a dirty look, suddenly annoyed by his presence. And his questions. She wondered why she had invited him back into her apartment. Into her life. Into her bed.

Olivia let out a heavy sigh. She was about to speak when she heard her cell phone ring again. Brian trailed her as she rushed into her bedroom and snatched her phone off the bed. She waited a beat, trying to decide if she should answer it or not, but her curiosity was too much, and she answered the call.

"Benson."

"Olivia…" There was tightly controlled anger in the way he said her name. "I can't believe you hung up on me. You know better than that…you know what happens to people that make me angry." He sighed. "I thought you knew me Olivia…"

Olivia shivered at the way he said her name…the way the syllables rolled off his tongue made is seems as if he knew every intimate detail about her.

"I thought I knew you." He continued. "But I guess we never really know people as well as we think we do." He sighed. "Oh well. There's time for that."

Olivia realized she hadn't said a word, and she glanced up at Brian. He was close enough that he could hear every word, and he was mouthing for her to hang up. But she wasn't going to make that mistake again. "What do you want?"

Olivia heard him laugh, and her first thought was that the sound of it could be out of an evil villain's handbook. The sound sent shivers down her spine and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end.

"Patience Olivia."

And then she heard the call disconnect. Olivia sat for a moment longer with the phone to her ear, trying to slow down her heart rate.

Brian snatched the phone from her hand. "That is one messed up motherfucker." He tried redialing the number, but it was blocked. Not that it was any surprise, but he threw the phone down on the bed in frustration. "Fucker."

Olivia glanced over at the clock, and saw it was a little almost 5AM. She knew she wasn't going to get any more sleep tonight. "I'm going to take a shower and head in."

"This early?" Brian challenged. "C'mon. Come back to bed."

Olivia shook her head. "I can't."

Brian sighed heavily. "Alright. But I'll drive you to the station."

Olivia hesitated but then gave him a quick nod. "OK."

"You going to tell Cragen about this?"

Brian knew her well, and he had guessed that she was going to keep this to herself until she knew more about the situation.

"I think you have to." He added.

Olivia didn't need Brian telling her what to do, and her annoyance spiked again. She wondered again about the decision she'd made. She knew it was because Brian was relatively easy-going, and she knew him. They had a history, and he'd been eager to start where they'd left off. It made the whole thing easy. And she'd been lonely.

"It's not up to you." Olivia snapped back at him. She ducked into the bathroom and closed the door before he could say anything else.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia had been in a foul mood since she'd arrived at the precinct. Brian hadn't said another word to her as they'd driven to the station…not even after she had muttered a quick thank you as she exited the car. She felt guilty about the way she was treating him, but still annoyed by him at the same time, which was giving her a headache. She had spent the last two hours pouring over her notes on her current case and couldn't find one thread to pick up and run with. They had no witnesses, little evidence and no suspects.

She didn't relish the thought of having to share that information with the victim that was laid up at Mercy with a broken wrist and a battered body.

"Olivia."

She looked up and saw the Captain walking into the squad room. He said her name like a command, and she knew she was meant to follow him into his office. Olivia pushed her chair from her desk and did as instructed, crossing into his office as he circled around his desk.

"Close the door." Cragen instructed.

Olivia furrowed her brow, wondering what she could have possibly done now to warrant a dressing down. She leaned casually against a bookshelf near the doo and waited for him to speak.

Cragen looked her directly in the eye as he looked down at a sheet of paper he was holding in his hand. "Got a call this morning." He said. "There was an escape from Sing Sing yesterday…some confusion with prisoner transfer and a medical emergency. A few people managed to escape in the confusion"

"OK." Olivia said. "They think they're headed back to the city?" They'd been down this route a few times. Criminals couldn't resist going back to their old stomping grounds and they'd have to keep a watchful eye and try to track them down before they claimed any new victims.

"Don't know for sure. But most likely."

"OK. Well, I'll make sure the bulletin gets posted and everyone's aware." She saw the look on Cragen's face and she knew there was more. "This was an SVU case?"

"Yeah." Cragen said heavily.

He held out the bulletin in his hand, and Olivia reached for it. It took less than 5 seconds for her to register the face and the name.

 _Richard White._

She looked up at the Captain, and then back at the sheet of paper. "That was what?"

"'99" Cragen offered. "Or thereabouts."

Thirteen years ago...maybe more.

Brian was in the squad then.

And Elliot.

The pieces started to fall into place suddenly. The flowers. The note. The phone calls.

"You loo like you've seen a ghost." Cragen said.

"No…I'm just…" Olivia collected her thoughts. "I'm just trying to remember the details about the case." She stalled. She remembered Richard White. He had killed a good friend of hers. He had stalked her. He was a dangerous man.

"I remember the details. And I remembered how he fixated on you." Cragen said.

"He was just messing with us." Olivia said, trying to downplay it. "He said all kind of things to mess with our heads. To make us think he was smarter than us. He…"

Cragen interrupted her. "The flowers."

Olivia paused.

"Those flowers are from him, aren't they?" Cragen asked.

"I don't know." Olivia said. But as soon as she'd seen Richard White's name, she had known.

"I'm going to have Munch and Fin track those down."

"Cap'n. I can…"

"No." Cragen shut her down quickly. "If we think he was angry before…" He shook his head. "He's been stuck in Sing Sing for 13 years. He's had a lot of time to plot a revenge."

Olivia saw Cragen narrow his eyes, and she realized she hadn't been keeping a poker face. And Cragen knew her too well.

"Spill it." Cragen said.

Olivia considered what to tell him. He wasn't going to let her investigate anyway but she wanted to avoid a protective detail. She let out a small sigh; she wasn't going to be able to keep much from him. She started to relay the information on the phone calls, omitting the part about Brian being there and White's mention of him and of her sleeping with a cop.

"You're sure it was him?" Cragen asked.

"I definitely recognized the voice." Olivia said, wrinkling her forehead as she tried to recall the voice. "I just couldn't place it at the time. But as soon as I saw his name, it clicked. I'm fairly certain it was him."

"OK, we're going to dump your phone and trace the numbers…"

Olivia felt a small moment of panic. She and Brian had been trading texts and phone calls. Nothing lewd…but she had wanted to keep it under wraps. "It was from a blocked number." Olivia offered. "I don't think that's going to help. He's too smart for that."

Cragen nodded. "OK."

"I'll get Munch and Fin." Olivia said, hoping to slip out of his office before Cragen restricted her to the squad room and added a protective detail.

"Hold on a second."

Olivia turned, and she saw a weighted expression on the Captain's face. He had something else to tell her, and he was clearly dreading it.

"What? What is it?" She felt a stab of dread that perhaps Richard White had already claimed a new victim.

"I have to ask you…" Cragen's voice trailed off.

It caught Olivia by surprise because he didn't typically shy away from any topic. He was usually fairly direct.

"Have you talked to Elliot lately?"


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Yikes! Sorry for the long delay! Enjoy.

EOEOEOEO

"Have you talked to Elliot lately?"

The words hung there, and Olivia knew by the gentleness in Cragen's voice and the pained expression on his face that he already knew the answer to that question. It made her wonder why he had asked, and if he had been in contact with Elliot.

Olivia pressed her lips together as she shook her head. Cragen didn't look surprised, but she saw something flash across his face. She wasn't sure if it was sadness or pity, but it made her angry. She didn't need either. "Is there some reason I should have?" She asked, trying to sound as if Elliot's absence and lack of communication was something in the past…that she didn't still think about him every single day.

"Well…" Cragen said uncomfortably. "I need to contact him."

"Why?" Olivia asked sharply. She could hear the alarm in her own voice, and she looked away, angry with herself for her reaction.

"White had you in his sights, but he threatened Elliot's family too." Cragen said quietly. "I don't know that White'll go after them, but he's unpredictable. I need to warn him that White is on the lam."

Olivia opened her mouth and closed it again, shaking her head. "Of course." She finally managed to say. "He should know." She pushed herself out of the chair, suddenly afraid that Cragen was going to ask her to call him or suggest they all meet. She didn't think she could handle that. "Is there anything else?" She asked as she shifted from one foot to the other.

"With the calls and the flowers…Liv…" Cragen shook his head. "You're on restricted duty."

"But!" Olivia started to object, but Cragen cut her off.

"It's not negotiable. Amaro can work on your current case with Amanda…"

"Nick is _my_ partner." Olivia argued. She had been hard on Nick at first…still stinging from the loss of Elliot. But he'd been patient with her, and they had worked things out. Things were good between them now, and she didn't want to mess that up.

"It's just temporary until we get White back behind bars." Cragen said pointedly, letting her know that he wasn't going to change his mind. "You need to fill in Amaro and Rollins though. And pull in Fin and Munch. I want everyone to have their eyes and ears open."

Olivia nodded. She turned and headed towards the door.

"And Olivia?"

Olivia turned around.

"I'm sending a protective detail with you when you leave here today."

"Cap'n." Olivia knew she wasn't going to change her mind.

"I'm not going to change my mind, so don't bother arguing." Cragen said, waving a hand at her. Then he softened his tone. "I can't stand the thought of something happening to you."

Olivia gave him a small smile. The bond between them was strong after all these years, and she knew his comment was sincere. "I know." She said softly. She looked down at the floor and then back up at Cragen. "I'll fill in Nick and Amanda."

"Thanks."

Olivia turned back towards the door, anxious to get out of his office. But before she could escape, she heard Cragen's voice again. Soft…tentative.

"Liv…"

She closed her eyes, knowing she wasn't going to want to hear what he said. She placed the palm of her hand on the door and waited…knowing what he was going to ask.

"Do you want to talk to him?"

Olivia parted her lips, unsure of what was going to come out. "I don't…" She whispered, confusion swirling through her head and her body. "I…" She took a deep breath. "I don't know. I mean…" Olivia shook her head. "No." She straightened up and opened her eyes. "No." She grabbed the doorknob and let herself out.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot had agreed to volunteer at Eli's school that morning; they were holding an indoor track and field event and he was there to help the kids and be a spotter during some of the events. He almost laughed when he saw all the thick mats covering the gym floor…a far cry from his days in school. There was no way any of the kids were going to hurt themselves. But he'd had a good time. He was happy he could be involved. He hadn't been able to do that with the other kids as much as he'd like. He had been the one showing up just in time…or late…for school plays, band concerts and baseball games.

When he finally climbed into his truck, he started the engine and pulled his cell phone out of the storage bin in the center console. He had a text from Kathy, reminding him about the event at school this morning. He shook his head, but he knew it only borne out of habit…out of all the years she'd had to remind him to be at this event or that location multiple times. He sent off a quick reply, letting her know that the morning had been a success and that Eli had won recognition for his speed in the 100- meter dash. The next text message was from Kathleen, checking in on him. He smiled, knowing it was her way of letting him know that she was okay. There were a few email alerts…things he didn't need to answer at that moment. He scrolled down and stopped when he saw a missed call.

 _Cragen._

Elliot hadn't deleted the Captain's number from his contact list. He hadn't deleted anyone's.

His sat and stared at the missed call icon on his phone screen. He couldn't imagine why Cragen would be calling him now. They had no unfinished business. He had cut his ties with the NYPD.

Different scenarios started running through his mind, but mostly, he was trying hard not to think about Olivia.

Of course, that would be about the only reason that Cragen would call him.

He was suddenly stricken with a dreadful certainty that something had happened to her. He hadn't been there for her, and now something dreadful had happened.

He opened up the phone app and saw he had a voicemail. He sat and stared at the phone icon and the indicator that said he had 1 message taunted him. It seemed to pulse as he stared at it. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he had this irrational feeling that this one message had the potential to bring everything rushing back. That the mere sound of Cragen's voice was going to unleash a flood of memories that he worked so hard to suppress.

He closed the phone and tossed it on the seat next to him. He stared out the front window of the truck, and he realized he was sweating. He wanted to chalk it up to his chasing the kids around inside the school, but he'd had plenty of time to cool off in the wintery weather as he had walked to the truck. He powered the window down, and the cold winter air rushed into the truck. He took a few deep breathes, trying to slow down his heart rate. He closed his eyes and lay his head back against the seat.

An image of Olivia came to mind and he saw her as clearly as if she had been standing right in front of him. He tried to vanquish the image, but it wasn't until he opened his eyes that she disappeared.

But thoughts of her still lingered.

As much as he tried to purge thoughts of her from his mind, he couldn't. They had too much history…to many memories. His feelings for her…

"Stop it." He mumbled to himself. "You left. You left her." He kept telling himself that he didn't get to think about her anymore.

It never worked.

He thought about her every day.

If something had happened to her, he wouldn't be able to bear it.

"Stop acting like a fucking idiot." He whispered to himself. He scooped up the phone and punched in the security code. He stabbed at the voicemail button angrily, and then the speaker phone button. Two seconds later, he heard Cragen's voice.

" _Elliot. Donald Cragen. Hey. Um. We have a situation here. Something you need to be aware of."_ Cragen hesitated there, almost as if he was trying to figure out how much he should say in a voicemail. _"Just call me back as soon as you pick up this message."_

Elliot listened to the message again, trying to glean something from the tone of Cragen's voice and the message itself. He played it one more time before he closed it. Cragen didn't sound overly alarmed, and he hadn't said anything about Olivia. Or anyone else in the squad.  
Although, if anything serious had happened, he didn't think he'd leave it in a voicemail.

But still…there had definitely been a sense of urgency for Elliot to call him back. He looked up at the dash on his truck; the clock read 11:32AM. The message was left at 9:01AM, and he wondered if Cragen was getting irritated that he hadn't called him back yet.

In the next second, the phone lit up in his hand, and Cragen's number flashed across the screen. Elliot felt his heart rate spike, partly from the surprise timing of the call and partly from the fear of what he was about to hear.

A selfish part of him didn't want to answer.

Elliot hit connect. "Stabler."

"Elliot." Cragen said, the surprise evident in his voice. "I expected to get your voicemail again."

"Yeah. Sorry. I was just…I was at Eli's school all morning. I just picked up your voicemail." The excuses tumbled from his lips. He wondered why he felt guilty when it was all true.

"No problem." Cragen said. "How's the little guy doing?"

Elliot furrowed his brow. Cragen had never been one for small talk, and he wondered why the Captain was stalling. Maybe he felt awkward…like he had to make a personal connection after all this time. Elliot realized that despite having worked for Cragen for all those years, he didn't really know the man.

Maybe you never really know anyone.

"Elliot?"

Elliot realized he hadn't answered the question. "Oh. He's fine. He's good. All the kids are doing great." He smiled then. His kids _were_ doing great, and he was always proud to boast about them.

"Great." Cragen said. "Good to hear." He paused there. "And you? How are you doing?"

Elliot didn't hesitate. "Things are good. Really good."  
He steeled himself…wondering if he'd feel the same in the next few minutes.

"I suppose you're wondering why I called." Cragen said.

"Kind of. Yeah." Elliot said tentatively.

"First of all, everyone here is fine. I should have said that right off the bat." Cragen said apologetically.

Elliot felt a loosening in his chest…a knot of worry he hadn't realized was there.

"I should have said that in my message."

Cragen knew Elliot's mind would have gone to the worst possible places. He also must have known that Elliot wouldn't specifically ask about Olivia.

"There's been an escape. Some mix-up in prisoner transfer at Sing-Sing."

"A case of mine?" Elliot asked, interrupting before Cragen could continue.

"Yes." Cragen said. "Well, yours and Olivia's."

Elliot didn't say a thing…there were 13 years of cases with his and Olivia's names on them.

"It's Richard White." Cragen said. "Do you remember that case?"

"Richard White." Elliot hadn't even realized he had said it out loud until Cragen confirmed it again. His mind was churning through the memories of that case.

"He threatened Kathy and the kids." Cragen said.

"Yeah." Elliot said distractedly. Even though he had taken White seriously…he would be an idiot not too…he knew White was just messing with him. "His real focus was Olivia."

"Yeah." Cragen said with a sigh. "But still…"

"Has White threatened her?" He blurted out. "Has something happened?" He could hear the panic in his voice and he cursed himself. Cragen had told him everyone was fine, but he couldn't keep himself from asking.

"Olivia's fine." Cragen said quickly. "White sent her flowers and a note."

"No hard feelings." Elliot said angrily into the phone. The details of the previous cases were stark in his mind. The flowers…the messages…the stalking.

"Yeah. He also called her a few times last night. But that was before we knew he was out. She's on desk duty now, and I'm assigning a protective detail."

Elliot couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm sure she loves that." He thought of all the times she had declined that in the past…starting with the Richard White case.

"She doesn't have a choice this time." Cragen said pointedly.

"Good." Elliot said.

"Well, I didn't call you to tell you about Olivia's protective detail. I called to warn you that Richard White was out, and to see if he'd done anything to threaten you or your family in the past 24-48 hours."

"Crap." Elliot said, thinking about the envelope he had received at Kathy's. He filled Cragen in on the details. If Cragen was surprised that he didn't live with Kathy anymore, he didn't say anything.

"Do you still have the note?" Cragen asked.

"Yeah…" Elliot knew it was still sitting on the coffee table, right where he'd left it.

"OK." Cragen said. "I'll send a uni to pick it up. We'll want to check for fingerprints and DNA."

"You know he's too careful for that." Elliot said.

"Still…we need to cover all our bases. See if we can get any information from it that may give us a clue as to where he is, or where he's headed."

"He wouldn't be stupid enough to come back to the City." Elliot said. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew that it's exactly what Richard White would do. He could definitely hold a grudge. "We have to assume he will." Cragen said.

"I know." Elliot let out a sigh…knowing what he was going to say even though his mind was screaming at him not to say it. "You don't have to send a uni." Elliot said. "I'll bring it in."


	4. Chapter 4

Cragen walked out into the squad room after his call with Elliot. He saw the squad sitting around, listening to Olivia. She must have dug through the files, because she had a thick folder in front of her, and photos of Richard White tacked to a board. If he had to bet, he would say that she was completely downplaying White's fixation on her and focus on the victims. He wandered over to where the detectives were sitting, and a few looked up at him as he leaned against a desk. Olivia caught his eye briefly and sighed.

"During our investigation, White threatened me and my partner at the time." Olivia caught Cragen's eye, as if to check and see if she'd divulged enough to suit him.

Cragen thought it was interesting that she didn't say Elliot's name…and he wondered if Elliot's role in the investigation had come up in questions from the squad. He doubted it. They all seemed to know that topic was off-limits. Cragen cleared his throat. "Detective Benson is being modest." He said. "White did threaten both of them, but he was more fixated on her. He stalked her." He continued to explain how White had known the details of Olivia's life, and the mind games he had played in interrogation.

"Do you really think he's going to come after her?" Amaro asked.

Olivia could see the concern on her partners face. "No."

"I think it's a possibility." Said Cragen.

"He's the kind of guy that would hold a grudge." Munch added.

"Which is why Detective Benson is restricted to desk duty." Cragen said firmly, knowing Olivia had probably glazed over that particular detail. He nodded at Amanda. "You're with Amaro for now." He avoided looking at Olivia. "Benson will be here, digging into his conduct in prison and any other pertinent info. The DOC and the FBI are on this, and hopefully White will be apprehended soon."

Olivia wanted to object, but she knew it was hopeless.

"Olivia, finish the debriefing, and then give the files on your latest cases to Amanda so she can get caught up, and you call Sing-Sing. Find out about White's activities, friends, enemies. Everything." He raised an eyebrow when Olivia didn't respond. "Clear?"

Olivia nodded. "Clear."

Cragen hated seeing the look on her face, but he'd been sincere when he had told her that he couldn't bear it if anything happened to her. She had been a part of his squad…an extension of his family…for over 14 years now. She was the closest thing to a daughter he would ever have.

Olivia started relaying more details to the team and he watched the faces of the team surrounding her. He knew they felt the same about her…about each other. They would do anything to protect each other from harm.

He thought about Elliot and his relationship with Olivia. He thought has understood what was between them, so it had shocked the hell out of him when Elliot had left her so quickly and completely. Those first months after were rough, and he'd had to practice some tough love. He had worried that she wouldn't be able to adjust, but she had.

Since then, the subject of Elliot never came up. He had hoped that they had been in touch…that they had found a way to reconnect.

He had hoped.

But he should have known better.

There was an innate sadness in Olivia. She tried hard to hide it, but he could see it simmering beneath the surface. He knew some days were better than others, but he felt as if it would always be there.

He understood it.

Whoever said to have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all was a fucking idiot.

"Captain?"

Cragen looked up and saw Olivia looking at him.

"Is something wrong?"

Cragen shook his head. "What? No." He hesitated a second, thinking about the fact that Elliot was, in all likelihood, going to show up here in the next few hours. He wondered if he should say anything to her…warn her.

He didn't know if forcing a meeting was going to be good or bad, or if he had any right to make that decision for her. He knew he didn't…but he also thought that it might be the only way they would ever talk again.

Not that there would be any talking.

Most likely, there would be yelling…or complete silence. He tried to envision it…Elliot walking into the squad room and Olivia's reaction. Cragen let out a heavy sigh.

"Liv…when you're done there…" He nodded towards his office. "Stop in." He turned as she nodded and headed back to his office.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot pulled his truck into the parking lot of the 16, and in many ways, it was as if he had just been there the day before. Or on a few days of vacation at the most. He turned off the engine, but left the keys dangling in the ignition. He sat and stared at the building in front of him, listening to the ticking of the engine as it cooled.

A million memories came rushing back as he sat there. So many cases. So many victims. So many suspects parading in and out. He thought about Cragen and Munch and Jeffries, Fin and Cassidy and Lake, Casey and Alex and Sonia…

And Olivia.

He closed his eyes, and he saw her staring at him from across the squad room…the echo from gunfire still bouncing off the walls…a look of shock and disbelief on her face.

Of all the memories he had of the time spent with Olivia, he hated that this one was always the first. He knew there was a reason for it…post traumatic stress and all that. All the coping methods he'd tried didn't work in times of stress.

And right now, his stress was at an all-time high.

He was nervous as hell about seeing Olivia again. In fact, he couldn't quite imagine it. He had made a decision to leave…to try not to look back.

It was a decision he had struggled with every day since he'd made it.

If he was thinking clearly, he would have told Cragen to send a uniform to pick up the note from White.

He should have.

Elliot leaned over and picked up the note, now sealed tightly in a clear plastic bag.

He still could; it wasn't too late. He could call Cragen's number and tell him to send an officer down to the parking lot and get it. Cragen wouldn't question him…

He held the bag up and looked at…looked at his name scrawled on the front of the envelope. He conjured up an image of Richard White. His attitude…his intensity…the absolute righteousness…the certainty he was above it all. Untouchable. He saw the scenes between he and Olivia in the interrogation room as if he were watching a movie.

He knew that White would come after her. White had a score to settle.

And even though he hadn't been Olivia's protector for the past year and a half…he felt it was his responsibility now. He had been there…he knew White. He knew what he was capable of.

New memories assaulted him now. The smile on her face as he showed up at her apartment…a shared glass of orange juice…stubborn refusals to walk her upstairs…and a request to flick her lights on and off that became a ritual over the years.

The memories made him smile.

Elliot grabbed his keys out of the ignition. There was a reason he had made the impulsive decision to come here today. Maybe it was some kind of divine intervention, or maybe it was just a momentary weakness…a realistic threat to Olivia that he couldn't ignore…but he wasn't going to turn back now.

He didn't know what kind of reaction he was going to get, but he could probably guess. It didn't matter. He would take all of her fury…every angry word spoken…if it meant he could just see her.

And maybe…just maybe…when her anger was spent…they could find a way to talk.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia finished up her debrief with the team and walked back to her desk. Her phone had been buzzing in her pocket, and she slipped it out and looked at the notifications. She saw two text messages from Brian, and she made a mental note to call him back and tell him not to call or text her. They were going to be checking her phone, and even though there was no reason she couldn't be in a relationship with Brian, she didn't want it to be public knowledge. She should probably think about the reasons for that, but she wasn't in the mood to put that much thought into it. If she did, she knew she probably wouldn't be sleeping with Brian Cassidy.

She had a call from an unknown number, and a knot of dread settled in her stomach. She knew it was from White, and she knew that she was going to have to turn her phone over to Cragen. She glanced at the messages from Brian, and deleted them, even though she knew they could retrieve every incoming and outgoing message. When it came to the unknown call, she held her finger over the delete button, considering the consequences.

"Damn it." She muttered.

"Hey Liv."

Olivia looked up and saw Amanda hovering near her desk. "Do you have those files?" Amanda shifted uncomfortably on her feet, and Olivia did her best not to snap at her. She and Amanda hadn't really found common ground, plus she was annoyed at the friendship between her partner and Amanda. Or whatever it was.

And now Cragen had paired them up.

Perfect.

"Yeah, give me a sec." She focused on the paperwork in front of her, but saw Amanda move back towards her own desk. Not two seconds later, Nick sidled up to her, and she sat down hard in her chair with a heavy sigh.

"Everything ok?" He said quietly as he leaned over, bracing his arms on her desk.

"Everything's fine." Olivia said, trying to keep her annoyance out of her voice. She knew he was sincerely concerned about her, but she wasn't fooled into thinking there was a part of him that was reacting to how she was treating Amanda. "I just need a minute."

Luckily, Nick took the hint and backed off. Olivia gathered up the papers on her desk, sorting them as she cleaned them up. She slipped them inside the file folder on her desk and pushed her chair out from her desk. Olivia snagged her phone in one hand and headed towards Cragen's office. "There you go." She said as she dropped the folder on Amanda's desk as she passed by. Olivia knew she sounded like a bitch, but she didn't care. Richard White was disrupting her life, and she was pissed off.

When she reached Cragen's door, she knocked and walked right in, catching a surprised look from her Captain. She closed the door behind her.

"Got everyone up to speed?" he asked.

Olivia nodded. "Yes. John helped to fill in some of the details. I had forgotten that Cassidy was chasing him down with a different name in Canada."

"Ah, yes." Cragen said, apparently having forgotten that little detail himself.

Olivia lifted the hand that was holding her phone. "I have a message from an unknown caller. I'm pretty sure it's White." It was a different number than the calls she had received the previous night, but that wasn't any big surprise. White was careful.

"What did he say?" Cragen asked.

"I haven't listened to it yet." Olivia said, opening up her phone app. "Should I play it?"

Cragen nodded, and Olivia hit speaker before she hit play.

"Olivia." She hated the way he said her voice. There was that air of impatience tinged with barely contained anger. "I think you're trying to avoid me." The message continued. "Are you hiding out in the police station, hoping someone will drag me in there so you can interrogate me?" He chuckled, and an involuntary shiver crawled up Olivia's spine. "That's not going to happen." His voice had an edgy tone now, and a little anger seeped into his tone. "You can't hide in there forever."

The call ended abruptly, and Olivia and Cragen looked from the phone to each other.

"Is this the first call you've gotten since last night?" Cragen asked.

Olivia nodded. "OK. You know the drill. We're going to have to get your phone over to TARU and see what they can find."

"You know it won't be traceable." Olivia objected. "And he may call again."

Cragen nodded. "I don't disagree." He seemed to be debating with himself. "Alright, hold on to it for now. We'll have to see what info we get from the flowers and the note."

Olivia nodded. She started to turn, when she heard Cragen ask her to hold on. When she turned back to face him, she saw the same look of discomfort as she'd seen earlier. "You talked to Elliot." She said preemptively.

Cragen nodded.

"And?"

"He got a letter from White. Hand delivered to his house. Asking about Kathy and the kids."

"Damn." Olivia said. She had sincerely hoped that White would leave Elliot and his family alone. For reasons only he knew, he had left this life…this job. She didn't want him…or his family…dragged back into it. "But they're all okay? White didn't do anything?"

"No. And I'm not sure he will. It doesn't seem like he did his homework on Elliot."

Olivia furrowed her brows in confusion. "Why do you say that?"

Cragen didn't mince words. "White doesn't seem to know that Elliot doesn't live there anymore." The Captain continued. "He may have been confused because Elliot has been staying there the last day or so with Eli, but it means that if he's been watching, it hasn't been for more than a day or so."

Olivia mulled over that new piece of information, wondering what it meant and when things had changed. And then the note popped back to the forefront. "Does the lab have the note?"

Cragen shook his head. "Not yet, but it's on its way."

Olivia nodded. "We're probably not doing to get anything from it, but maybe we'll get lucky." She started to move, anxious to put a call into Sing-Sing to get some background on White.

"Liv. Hold on. There's a small detail I think you should know about." He only hesitated for a second before he continued. "Elliot decided to bring in the note himself."

Olivia stopped in her tracks, shocked into stillness by his comment. A full 30 seconds had passed as Olivia battled with the emotions rocking through her right now. "Elliot's coming here?" She asked, her voice low, with a slight waver. She watched as Cragen nodded, suddenly riddled with uncertainty. The possibility of seeing him sent an ache through her…a desire so strong it threatened to overwhelm her. But then the memories of the tears and the sleepless nights brought her back; she couldn't go through that again. "I can't be here." She said, feeling the need to flee. "I need to get out of here."

"Your protective detail isn't here. They won't be here until 5." Cragen said, coming around his desk as Olivia headed towards his door.

"I don't care." Olivia said as she opened the door and rushed out of his office. The only thing she could focus on was getting out of there…of escape. She couldn't face him…she didn't think she could handle it right now.

But it was too late, because as she emerged from Cragen's office, she saw him. He was standing at the entrance to the squad room, looking around…taking it all in. Olivia froze and seconds later, his eyes met hers.

"Elliot." She said, her voice no more than a whisper. And almost simultaneously, she swore she saw him whisper her name too.


	5. Chapter 5

For a moment, time seemed frozen. Elliot couldn't take his eyes off Olivia. The memories he had didn't do her justice, and he took in every detail. It was almost as if he was really seeing her for the first time.

But then the moment was over.

"Elliot Stabler."

Elliot looked over and saw both Fin and Munch walking over to him. John was the one talking, and he stuck out his hand as he neared.

"I never thought I'd see your sorry face again." John took Elliot's hand and shook it vigorously while he slapped Elliot on the shoulder.

"Hey Stabler." Fin said as walked up to where John was talking to Elliot. "How you doin' man?"

He stopped short of shaking Elliot's hand, but Elliot smiled. He hadn't realized how much he had missed the guys.

"You here because of the White case?" John asked.

"Yeah." Elliot nodded. He looked over to where Olivia had been standing, but she wasn't standing there any longer. He whipped around to see if she had slipped past him, but she wasn't in the room. He looked back at Fin and Munch and see the looks of discomfort on their faces. He wasn't sure what Olivia had told them, or if they knew that the two of them hadn't been in touch.

If they didn't know before, they certainly knew now.

Elliot saw a young man sauntering towards them slowly. He had a skeptical look on his face, and he knew immediately that this young man wasn't a big fan of his. Munch and Fin both stepped aside to make room for him.

"Nick Amaro." He introduced himself, but didn't offer his hand, or a smile.

"Elliot…" Elliot started to introduce himself, but Nick interrupted him.

"Stabler. I got that." Amaro said.

"Nick is Olivia's partner." John offered up.

"Yeah, I got that." Elliot said, matching Amaro's tone. The guy was young and good-looking, and Elliot could tell he worked out. Elliot straightened up a little and pushed his shoulders back slightly. He knew it was stupid and childish, but his career had lasted longer than this kid had been alive. This squad room had been his territory longer than this guy had been on the job. And Olivia had been his…

"Olivia doesn't say much about you." Amaro shot back.

Elliot raised an eyebrow, knowing it was probably true. But he didn't want to hear it, and he didn't appreciate this kid's posturing. He was already anxious, and it was only pissing him off. He broke eye contact with Amaro and looked around the squad room again. Olivia hadn't reappeared, but there was a young blonde woman making her way over towards them. He sighed. He really wasn't in the mood. He wanted to drop off the envelope from White, talk to Cragen about the case and what they'd found so far…and hopefully talk to Olivia.

The woman extended her hand. "I'm Amanda Rollins."

Elliot hard a southern twang and he wondered how she had ended up in New York City. She looked impossibly young…and way too sweet to be a cop. Especially in the NYPD. He wondered briefly about her story, but seconds later, his attention was redirected as Cragen emerged from his office. "Captain."

He smiled as the older man approached. They'd had their ups and downs during his career, but ultimately, he had great memories and he missed him. Cragen shook his hand and when he told Elliot how glad he was to see him, and Elliot believed him. He followed Cragen into his office, and he spent the next several minutes answering Cragen's questions about each of the kids and life post-NYPD. Cragen told him that he thought more and more about retirement, but couldn't seem to pull the plug, and Elliot told him he understood. He knew that if it hadn't been for the death of Jenna Fox, he would probably still be here…dealing with more victims and suspects and sitting across from Olivia.

Sometimes…on those nights where it was impossible to sleep…he imagined himself looking across the desks at her. Watching as she fiddled with her pen or tucked a stray hair behind her ear. Catching a small smile as she looked up at him.

He was overcome with the need to see her now…there had been too many interruptions since the moment he'd seen her standing outside Cragen's office.

He shifted in his chair, feeling his impatience slipping away. He had a sudden fear that she had left the precinct. That he'd lost his opportunity to see her…to talk to her.

"You have the note from White?" Cragen asked.

Elliot pulled the bag from his inside jacket pocket and handed it to his former Captain. Cragen inspected it, and then set it on his desk. He grilled Elliot for the next minute or so on whether or not White had been in contact, or if he'd seen anything else that seemed suspicious in hindsight. Then he filled him in on the flowers and the calls that Olivia had received, and Elliot tensed up. He had known that White's focus would be on Olivia, and everything Cragen was telling him confirmed it. He knew she was on desk duty and had been assigned a protective detail, but he still felt this need to protect her.

Olivia would call it being overprotective…but he could deal with it if he could only hear the words fall from her own lips.

"Did you see her?" Cragen asked, as if he had read his mind.

"No. I mean…yeah. For a second." Elliot said. "But I'm hoping I can talk to her when we're done."

Cragen didn't say anything and Elliot watched him struggle for a second before he spoke. "I'm not sure she wants to see you." He said quietly.

"I know that." Elliot said. "But I have to try."

Cragen nodded. "I'm not sure she knows what she wants." Cragen admitted. "But if she really doesn't want to talk to you…"

"If that's what she wants, I'll leave." Elliot knew he wasn't being completely honest. He knew he'd have to push past some barriers…the protective walls she'd erected because of the pain he had caused. But he wasn't going to give up easily. He owed her an explanation…an apology.

It was long overdue.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia had been shocked when she saw Elliot standing at the entrance to the squad room. Most days, it felt as if she hadn't seen him in years. Yet, seeing him standing there, it was as if he'd only been gone for days.

The familiarity of him washed over her. The bulk of him as he stood in the doorway…the confident stance…the breadth of his shoulders. Her eyes wandered to his face, and she saw surprise there that surely mirrored her own. Surprise…but something else as well. Regret? Pain?

She couldn't name it.

His eyes were trained on her and she was torn between the need to flee and the desire to run towards him and throw herself in his arms. Memories assaulted her…years of long days spent together, late lunches and early breakfasts, stakeouts and stale coffee, and cases solved side-by-side. But there were other, more painful memories. His on again, off again relationship with his wife…the unspoken feelings that always lingered beneath the surface…his abrupt departure.

Her desire to leave was winning, but she was still rooted in place.

But then John and Fin were up, and moving towards him, and John's voice broke her reverie. She saw Elliot's attention diverted, and she took advantage of the distraction and escaped out the side door. Once she was in the hallway she looked around, trying to decide where to go.

She knew she wasn't supposed to leave the precinct without her detail, but she considered it. But she only had her phone. No keys…no money…no coat…no gun. She wouldn't get far.

And she knew Richard White was a real threat. While she didn't think she needed a protective detail, it would be foolish to leave the precinct without her gun and with no means to get anywhere. Olivia turned and headed towards the cribs, then reversed and headed to the elevators. There were multiple floors in this precinct building; she didn't need to stay on this floor.

She faltered at the elevators…her shock at seeing him starting to morph into anger.

Maybe she should stay and confront him. For so many months after he'd left, when sadness had turned into pain, she had dreamed of seeing him again and telling him exactly what she thought of his bullshit decision to just leave without a word. She had spent hours telling him off in her mind…she'd had hundreds of imagined meetings with him…her hands on her hips and face red with anger.

An image of Elliot popped into her mind. His smile…the blue of his eyes.

No. She didn't trust herself to hold on to her anger.

She felt flush…her emotions on overload.

Olivia stabbed at the elevator button, and seconds later, she heard the satisfying ding and the doors opened. She waited impatiently as people exited and startled slightly when she saw Barba. She shrank back slightly, hoping he didn't see her, but of course, he did.

"Hey Liv." Barba said, turning towards her. "I was just coming to talk to you about the Martinez case."

Olivia shook her head. "I'm off the case. Talk to Amaro and Rollins." She said, stepping past him and into the elevator.

Barba looked confused, and she didn't know if it was the news that she was off the case or the way she was blowing him off. It was probably a little bit of both. "What?" he asked, staring at her as she punched the button on the elevator panel. "Why are you off the case?"

"Ask _them_." Olivia said, right before the elevator doors closed.

Olivia knew Barba didn't deserve her cryptic comments, but she just couldn't handle everything that was happening right now. She needed to get away and didn't have time to explain the whole Richard White case with him. Nick would explain it.

Olivia realized she had hit the button to take her to the top floor of the building. She didn't know if the roof was the best place to go right now, but at least she could avoid running into other people, and the questions that would ensue as to why she was on some other floor. SVU detectives didn't typically wander around with the homicide detectives.

Olivia exited when the doors opened and took the short staircase up to the door that led to the roof. She wondered how many hours the members of her squad had spent up here at times of stress…times they just needed to get away. She opened the door and felt the initial chill from the winter day, but once she walked out onto the roof, she found the sun was strong. Wrapping her arms around herself, she found a spot out of the wind, and turned her face towards the sky.

Olivia focused on slowing her breathing and her heartrate. She couldn't keep the jumble of thoughts straight in her mind. She wasn't thinking rationally; she felt so conflicted. Elliot had thrown a hand grenade in her usually cool façade by showing up here today.

All the times she'd imagined him showing up. All the rehearsed speeches…her planned indifference. It seemed so silly now. That she had believed that she would be able to control her emotions…

Anger. Fury. Grief. Anguish. Understanding. Compassion.

She didn't know how she'd react if she saw him face to face.

If…

If had most likely changed to when.

She didn't think Elliot would leave the building without seeking her out today.

Olivia let out a sigh of resignation, but then her mind started going again.

Elliot was the one that had left _her_. He shouldn't be the one in control of the situation. If he wanted to see her, well then too bad. She was going to march into the squad room and grab her things and leave. She would ask Nick to go with her, so that Cragen couldn't complain. If Elliot tried to stop her, she would ignore him.

Olivia pushed herself off the wall and headed back to the door. As she ducked inside, she gave an involuntary shiver. It had been colder outside than she had realized, and she rubbed her hands together. It seemed forever until the elevator came, but once inside, it arrived at SVU quickly. She hesitated, mustering up all her inner reserves to execute her plan. She rushed out of the elevator, with her head held high, and walked briskly into the squad room. But when she got there, she stopped cold.

The squad room was nearly empty, save a few uniformed officers. There was no Nick…no Amanda. No Fin or Munch. Cragen's door was open, and she moved into the squad room so she could see inside. He wasn't there either. And most of all…

No Elliot.

She felt a stab of disappointment, and she sat down hard in her chair. Olivia leaned her elbows on her desk and dropped her head into her hands.

She had been so worried about Elliot seeking her out. So concerned about how she would react to him. So ready with her rejection of his apology and explanations.

But he hadn't wanted to see her. He hadn't sought her out.

What a complete and utter mind fuck.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She actually felt like she might do both.

"There you are."

Olivia's breath caught…the sound of his voice…Elliot's voice…was unmistakable. She lifted her head from her hands and turned slowly until she was facing him. The same feelings washed over her again when she saw him framed in the doorway.

"I've been looking all over for you." Elliot said gently, unable to read the expression on Olivia's face. "I'd like to…" He paused. "Can we…" He swallowed hard. "Can we talk?" He let out a shuddering sigh. "Please?"

Olivia just stared at him for a moment, and as much as she'd like to, she knew she wouldn't deny him.


	6. Chapter 6

Elliot watched the expression on Olivia's face as he waited for her to respond. He was holding his breath. He knew she didn't owe him anything, but he was hoping…praying…that she'd agree to talk to him.

He saw a look of resignation cross her features and he felt a spark of hope. Then he felt a mild panic set in, because he realized that he had no idea what he was going to say to her. When he woke up this morning, he hadn't planned on seeing her today.

Not that he hadn't replayed a similar scenario in his mind dozens of times over. In each of those, Olivia had relented. She had understood. She had forgiven him.

Somehow, he didn't think it was going to be as easy as wanted to believe.

Elliot saw an almost imperceptible nod from Olivia, and then much to his disbelief, she was pushing herself up from her chair and walking slowly towards him. She seemed tentative…unsure…and he knew how hard this must be for her. She stopped when she was about halfway across the room, almost as if she was wary of getting to close. He saw her straighten her shoulders, as if she was steeling herself for a fight, and he reminded himself to prepare for anything. He had no idea how this was going to go.

He cursed himself for not thinking this through a little more before he walked into the precinct. Then again, up until yesterday, he hadn't had any plan to try to reconcile, despite the number of times he had thought about it. He had to tread lightly. He looked around the squad room, and then back at Olivia. "Where?" He asked, looking around. The precinct had been overhauled and he wasn't sure where anything as any more.

Olivia felt her nerves slip up her spine now that she had agreed to talk to him. She had no idea what he was going to say, and seemingly had no control over her emotions right now. She was pretty certain this was going to be a disaster.

But what did he expect when he showed up unexpectantly.

Olivia noticed that Elliot looked as nervous as she did, so obviously, he hadn't planned this out either. She looked around; she wasn't sure where to go. She wanted to have some privacy, but she didn't feel comfortable going into the interrogation rooms or the cribs. She glanced over at Cragen's office, but she wasn't sure where he was or how he'd feel about her hijacking his office. The conference room was about their only option, and even then, people would potentially be able to overhear them.

Elliot could see the indecision on Olivia's face. "Do you want to leave? Go somewhere else to talk?"

Olivia shook her head quickly. "No." There was no way she was leaving here with him. That was…too much.

She nodded in the direction of the conference room. "Let's go…" She stopped when she saw Nick and Amanda come up behind Elliot. Elliot must have seen the change in her expression, because he turned. When he saw them walking towards him, Elliot turned to make room for them to slip past. Nick stopped next to Olivia and turned to look back at Elliot.

"Everything ok Liv?" he asked her, keeping his eyes trained on Elliot.

Elliot saw Amaro's arm bump Olivia's, and his first thought was that it was almost like he was marking his territory. Reminding Elliot that Olivia was _his_ partner now. He should be annoyed, but he was actually glad to see the kid was stepping up. Protecting her. He'd like to think that someone had her back, when he couldn't be there to do it himself.

"Everything's fine Nick." Olivia said, placing her hand on his arm. "We're just going to talk."

"You're not leaving the precinct, are you?" Amaro asked, his voice ready with an objection.

"No." Olivia said.

Elliot watched while Olivia turned and leaned in a little closer and said something to Nick. He couldn't make out what she said, but Nick narrowed his eyes at Elliot as she spoke. Then he turned to face her and nodded. He looked back at Elliot. "Just remember I'm here if you need me." His words were for Olivia, but the message was a warning for Elliot.

Elliot had to admit, he admired the kid's spunk.

Olivia watched Nick as he walked back to his desk. She appreciated that he was trying to watch out for her, but mostly it felt like a little bit of a pissing match between he and Elliot. Although, to his credit, Elliot didn't push back. She glanced back at Elliot, and then turned and headed towards the conference room. She assumed Elliot would follow her, but she didn't look back to check.

When Elliot entered the conference room, he barely took in the surroundings. His attention was focused on Olivia as she turned to face him from the other end of the room. It shouldn't be a surprise that she had put as much distance as possible between them, and a flippant comment was on the tip of his tongue. _I'm not going to bite._ One look at her face though, and he decided to keep it to himself.

Olivia shifted on her feet, watching as Elliot closed the door behind him. He stood at the other end, staring at her, and she knew he was considering if he should get closer or stay put. He must have decided to keep his distance, because he stayed rooted in place. He didn't say anything right away, and she took those moments to look at him again…really look at him.

His hair was slightly thinner, but he wasn't wearing the perpetual look of exhaustion that she'd seen so many times. He was bigger than she remembered, but she didn't know if that was her imagination, or if he really had been working out more.

She decided it wasn't her imagination. He took of his coat, and draped it over the chair, as if to give her a better look. Her eyes flashed to his, but he only stared back at her, expressionless. If he saw her checking him out, he wasn't going to say anything.

Olivia looked away, unable to hold eye contact. She stared down at the long conference table between them and then towards the one-way window between the conference room and Cragen's office. She was happy to see the blinders were closed on this side and the light indicated the intercom was off.

Small favors.

She had a sudden image of the rest of the squad crowded in to Cragen's office, watching the show. They would be disappointed. No show today.

Elliot saw Olivia looking over at the glass. He wanted to ask her if they indeed had privacy here, but he had to assume they did. She wouldn't want to air any dirty laundry in front of the rest of the squad. He saw her glance back up at him and he knew he had to say something. But he was dumbstruck…all the conversations he'd had in his mind in the past year and a half were gone.

He could sense Olivia was losing patience. She glanced towards the door and he knew he had only moments now.

"Your new partner…" Elliot blurted out. "He seems…" Elliot didn't want to say anything she might take negatively. "He seems protective of you. I mean, in a good way."

"He's a good partner." Olivia said. "He has my back." The unspoken words were there. _Like you used to. Like you should have. Like you did before you left._

Elliot nodded. "It's good to see Fin and Munch are still at it. I thought maybe you and Fin would partner up." _After I left_. He had really hoped that would be the case. He trusted Fin to take care of Olivia.

"Well, we didn't." She cut him off before he could say anything else. "Is this what you really wanted to talk about?"

Elliot could hear the impatience in her voice. "No." He said. He came around the table and started walking towards her. "I just…" He let out a sigh. "God Liv…"

"Don't call me that." Olivia said quickly...harshly. Even though everyone called her that now, she couldn't bear to hear him use the nickname he'd given her …especially in that gravelly tone of his voice. The familiarity of it…the tenderness in the way he said it. It was too much.

Elliot stopped. He knew she was going to fight him; that he'd have to be patient if he wanted to break through. "Olivia." He said quietly. "I don't know where to start. It's hard…"

Olivia furrowed her brow. She didn't know what she had expected to hear, but that wasn't it. His words pissed her off. "It's hard?" She walked a few steps towards him. "It's _hard_?" Her voice was louder now. She put a hand out to steady herself on the back of a chair and leaned forward slightly. "You know what's hard? Hard is leaving a million messages for your partner to see if he's ok…to tell him that you're here for him…and getting no response. Hard is not knowing where your partner is or what he's going through and not being able to do a damned thing to help him. Hard is sitting at your desk and staring across at an empty desk…the desk your partner sat at almost every day for over 12 years. Hard is having your _Captain_ tell you that your partner turned in his papers…and not hearing it from him yourself." Olivia took a deep breath as the words poured from her mouth. Her heart was beating rapidly, and she felt tears prick at the back of her eyes. Everything she was saying brought back a rush of memories. In some ways, it seemed like it happened yesterday. She bit down on her lip. She was not going to cry in front of Elliot. "So, excuse me if I don't want to hear how hard it is for you."

"Liv. Olivia." He corrected himself, dropping his voice to almost a whisper. He thought he had been prepared for her anger, but the pain in her voice was his undoing. "I'm so, so sorry." He took a step towards her, but she startled and took a step backwards, as if he'd struck her.

"I don't want to hear it." Olivia said angrily. She thought about all the tears she'd shed, and let her anger take over. Anger was the only way she was going to get through this. "And wipe that look off your face. I don't need your pity."

"It's not pity. I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry for all the pain I caused."

Olivia shook her head. She didn't want his apology. "It's my own fault. I'I thought we were..." She swallowed hard. "I shouldn't have let you in. I shouldn't have let myself rely on you." She took a breath. "I never thought you could leave like that. That I meant more to you than that." She wanted to look away but for some reason, she needed to say these things to his face.

"You did. You do."

"You walked out of my life and never looked back." Olivia said, cutting him off from saying anything else. "So, excuse me if I don't believe you."

"Please. Just listen to me." Elliot started.

Olivia looked at her watch and then at the door. "I don't think there's anything more to say."

"There's a lot more to say. I need you to understand…"

"It doesn't matter anymore. I asked myself why. I tried to make excuses for you. I raged, and I cried, and I mourned." Olivia knew she was revealing more than she should. She hadn't really wanted to let him know just how deeply she had been affected. It gave him too much power. "I've moved on. I figured out that I don't need you."

"Don't say that." Elliot said.

"Why? Is that hard to hear? Well that's too bad." She drew in a deep breath. "At least I'm telling you to your face."

Elliot winced slightly; they'd always knew how to cut deeply. But he couldn't give in…couldn't give up. He had to let her get it out of her system; he felt he deserved her wrath. "If I could change what happened, I would."

"There's a lot of things I'd change." Olivia said softly. She was talking to herself as much as to Elliot. Number one being…she wouldn't have let herself fall in love with her partner. So many of her decisions were made because of that single fact…

Elliot sensed Olivia was talking about more than just the way things had ended with them. "There's a lot of would have changed too." He noticed Olivia looked back at him. She wasn't saying anything, and he took that as an opening. "I messed up so many things. I should have been honest with myself. With Kathy. With you."

"Elliot." Olivia had a warning in her voice. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"I don't want to hear about your regrets. It's in the past. We've both moved on." Olivia was afraid of what Elliot was going to say. He was threatening to rip open old wounds. Wounds she had worked hard to bury deep.

"But that's what I'm trying to tell you. I haven't moved on." Elliot said. "I need to tell you…"

Y stared at him for a moment. "You're only here because of the Richard White case. If Cragen hadn't called you, you wouldn't even be here. So, don't try to tell me that you came here to make amends. To tell me how much you've missed me. Because that's bullshit." She turned and walked back towards the windows.

Elliot struggled with what to say, because in a way, it was true. He had to make her understand. She hadn't turned back around, so he couldn't see her expression, but he forged ahead anyway. "OK." He said evenly. "That may be true. But…there isn't a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about you…wondered how you were doing. It's just that, by the time I got my shit together, so much time had passed. I couldn't figure out how to pick up the pieces. But when Cragen called, something in me said it was time…"

Olivia turned around to face him then, and her anger had resurfaced. "I'm so glad it's a convenient time for you. Did you ever think that maybe I didn't want to see you? Did you ever thing of just how goddamned selfish that was? To just show up here and disrupt my life?"

Elliot was trying to process these new accusations, when Olivia's phone started ringing on the table where she'd set it. It broke the tension in the room momentarily, as they both stared at it. The phone fell silent, but the moment Olivia turned her attention back to Elliot, it started ringing again. Olivia snatched the phone off the table, and saw it was from an unknown number.

Elliot saw the look on her face, and he knew immediately that something was wrong. "What is it?"

Olivia ignored him as she answered the call. "Olivia Benson."

"Olivia…" It was that same voice…the one that gave her the creeps. "You've been hiding from me all day, and it's starting to make me upset."

"I'm working." Olivia said. She noticed Elliot was watching her closely, but he didn't say anything.

"All work and no play Detective…" White said. "When are you going to come out and play?"

Olivia saw Elliot make a beeline for the door, and she knew he was going to see if Cragen was back and let him now White was on the phone.

"What did you have in mind?" Olivia asked.

"Hmmm. Use your imagination." White said. "I bet you and me…we could have a lot of fun together."

"I don't know about that." Olivia said, as she saw Elliot walk back into the room with Cragen trailing behind him. "It seems like everyone that gets involved with you ends up dead."

"It doesn't have to be that way." White said. "Why don't you come out and find out for yourself?"

"I can't right now."

"When?"

"Soon." Olivia said.

"Don't make me wait too long." White said.

Then the call disconnected.

"That was White?" Cragen asked.

Olivia nodded.

"Tell me exactly what he said." Cragen demanded.

Olivia relayed the entire conversation, and Cragen and Elliot listened. Cragen didn't show much of a reaction, but Elliot was getting agitated.

"We don't know where White is?" Elliot asked. "We don't have any idea?"

"No leads yet." said Cragen. "I'll call the Feebs and DOC and give them the latest update, and see if they have anything, but for now, we hold tight." He looked between the two of them. "I'll let you get back to whatever it was the two of you were talking about."

Olivia noticed that Cragen suddenly looked uncomfortable, and she wondered how loud they'd been. She looked over at Elliot, and then back at Cragen. "It's OK. We're done."

Elliot looked surprised by her statement, but she didn't give him a chance to argue with her. She slipped her phone in her pocket and headed back into the squad room.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: OK, I hope this makes sense. I have written different parts at different times over the course of a business trip this week. Let me know your thoughts!

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot started after her, when he heard Cragen utter his name. He stopped and saw Cragen standing in place with his hands in his pockets.

"I'm guessing that didn't go as well as you would have liked." Cragen said.

Elliot sighed. "We didn't really get a chance to finish our conversation. The call from White interrupted us."

Cragen looked out towards the squad room, where Olivia was talking to Nick and Amanda. "Seems like _she_ thinks you're done."

Elliot knew Cragen was trying to tell him something, but he was in no mood to read between the lines. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that now might not be the best time. Olivia is under a lot of stress right now with the threats from White. And don't forget, White threatened you too."

"We both know that White isn't after me." Elliot said. "But if he is, it's all the more reason we should stick together."

"I'm already worried about Olivia and her frame of mind with this White thing. I don't need you adding more stress on top of it."

"Are you telling me to back off?" Elliot asked. He wanted to tell Cragen that he didn't report to him anymore, but he wouldn't. He respected the hell out of the man, and he knew he only had Olivia's best interest at heart.

"I'm not telling you anything." Cragen said.

Elliot knew that Cragen has borne years of frustration with the two of them; that he had probably been more aware of what was going on between them then he and Olivia had. He looked out at the squad room and saw Amaro sitting on the edge of Olivia's desk. He felt a small spark of jealousy but tried to squash it quickly by reminding himself that the only reason Olivia had a new partner was because he had left. Elliot looked back at Cragen. "Captain. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I walked away. Not from the job, but from Olivia. I have to try…"

Cragen sighed and gave Elliot a small, knowing smile. "I know." He said softly. "Just…" He looked out at Olivia and then back at Elliot. "I just want what's best. For you and her. And right now, I'm not sure what that is."

Cragen patted Elliot on the shoulder as he passed him and walked back into the squad room.

Elliot turned around as he left, and his eyes met Olivia's. Amaro wasn't at her desk any longer, and Elliot noticed he and the blonde detective had both left. Fin and Munch were sitting at their desks, and it made Elliot feel as if he could go sit down at the desk across from Olivia and pick up where he left off. But those days were over…

Elliot looked at his watch, knowing he had to be back in Queens to meet Eli's bus by 3:30. That gave him about two hours before he had to leave. He considered asking one of the girls to meet him, but he'd already spent too many years shirking his parental duties. Still…he didn't know when he'd have another chance to make amends with Olivia. He was worried if he left here today, he'd never get another opportunity. And he'd wasted too much time already.

Elliot noticed Olivia wasn't looking at him any longer; she was busying herself with paperwork on her desk. He had to give it one more try. He slowed slightly as he approached her, and he was well aware that Fin and Munch were watching him. When he got closer, he glanced over at them and they looked away quickly. "Liv." Elliot said softly, standing next to her desk. He quickly corrected himself. "Olivia." Habits were hard to break.

"I'm busy." Olivia said. "I don't have time for this."

Elliot noted she kept her voice low as well; she didn't want Fin and Munch in on the conversation either. "C'mon. I know that's not true. You're stuck on desk duty."

"I'm doing background on White."

Elliot didn't know how far he could push her, but she hadn't raised her voice yet. He pressed on. "Please. Just give me an hour." He glanced over at Cragen's office. "Let me take you to lunch." He was hoping that she would agree if they were in a public place. He saw Olivia pause. The refusal was on her lips, but she glanced over at Cragen's office and then back at him.

"Cragen won't let me leave without a detail." Olivia couldn't believe she was entertaining the thought of leaving with him, but she wanted to resolve this once and for all. She knew that if Elliot left now, she'd obsess over everything he'd said, and everything he hadn't. He'd opened up that which she had so carefully tucked away…and she needed to _know_.

Elliot felt a spark of hope. "I think he'll let you leave with me." He hoped Cragen would feel comfortable with it. He had to know that Elliot would die for Olivia.

Olivia leaned back in her chair and looked up at Elliot with a skeptical look on her face. "Because you always have my back?" She couldn't resist the barb. He deserved it. She half expected him to tell her to forget it and part of her was hoping he would. She didn't know why she was agreeing to talk to him again. But she had to give him credit. He didn't react, and he didn't back away. "Let's not complicate things." She said. She didn't know if she was ready to be in a public place with Elliot. She wasn't sure if she'd gotten all her anger out. "We can order something in."

Olivia didn't wait for his opinion. She picked up the phone and called the deli around the corner, ordering the same meals they'd ordered for years. Elliot felt a weird sense of déjà vu, and in that moment, he saw them swapping half of their sandwiches and him swiping her pickle. He shook his head slightly to shake the image, and he saw Olivia looking at him oddly as she hung up the phone.

"I don't know why I'm agreeing to this." Olivia said matter-of-factly.

Elliot didn't dare put a voice to all the reasons he wanted to make peace, so he wasn't about to suggest any. He was just happy that she'd agreed to continuing the conversation. Elliot looked over at the conference room and wished he had just a little bit more time to think through what he wanted to say. He jerked his head in that direction. "I'll wait in there so, whenever you're ready." He didn't wait for Olivia to acknowledge what he said. He just turned and headed into the conference room, moving across the room to the same spot Olivia had been standing in earlier. He decided to sit down, hoping that it wouldn't seem as confrontational. Hoping it would put her at ease, and that they could have a calm discussion.

Elliot was surprised when only a minute later, Olivia walked into the conference room, closing the door behind her.

"Munch said he'd bring in our food when it arrives." Olivia explained. She had hated asking him, as she thought they probably wouldn't want to be interrupted. But she was full of nervous energy and sitting at her desk was not an option anymore. She paused briefly, trying to decide where to sit. Her head was telling her to sit at the opposite end of the table, but she knew Elliot was hoping she'd sit closer. She compromised and pulled out a chair that was a few down from Elliot. Since he was sitting at the end of the table, they could still see each other clearly if she turned her chair.

Elliot didn't know if she wanted to go first or if she wanted him to…but they both just stared at each other for a few moments. He didn't mind. It gave him a good chance to really look at her again. Those dark brown eyes…the long dark hair. "I think it's funny how you can sit across from someone every day…spend at least 12 hours a day together…and yet, the details get fuzzy when you haven't seen someone for a while. But the moment you see them again…it all comes back with extreme clarity. Except you see things you never saw before."

Olivia wanted to ask him what the hell he was rambling about, except that she knew exactly what he meant. She had known his eyes were blue…but she hadn't remembered the details of his face like she thought she had.

Elliot was surprised Olivia didn't respond to his comment…tell him he was being ridiculous. It made him bold. "What I told you before…that I've thought about you every day since I left. That was true."

"Elliot." Olivia said, cutting him off. She didn't like the direction of the conversation. It was making her uncomfortable.

Elliot sighed. "OK." He said. He rubbed his hands down his thighs, trying to figure out how to tell her what he wanted to say. He looked back up at her, sensing her impatience. "I told you that I wish I could change things. I have so many regrets. About our partnership and what we became and where we ended and why…"

Olivia steeled herself.

Elliot continued. "When you walked into the precinct that very first day, I had no idea how my life was about to change…"

Olivia wasn't interested in rehashing the history of their partnership, and she opened her mouth to tell him so, but she could see the plea in his eyes. He needed to tell her in his own way, and she had agreed to listen. She nodded slightly and saw relief wash over him.

"I've always been a practical man. I believe in God, honor, country. I take my responsibilities seriously. I have always done what I had to do…what I was supposed to do. I was dedicated to being a good husband…a good father…a good cop…a good man." Elliot stood up, full of nervous energy. He paced back and forth in front of the windows. "I knew what I stood for. I understood my morality. I worked hard. I supported my family." He turned and looked back at Olivia. "Everything was black and white. I caught the bad guys. I put them away. I went home to my family."

Olivia wanted to say something, but she had no idea what to say to that. And she knew she had to let him continue.

"Then you came into the squad. At first, I thought…I didn't know if you were going to cut it. You seemed so young and too innocent for this kind of work." He saw Olivia raise an eyebrow, but he forged ahead. "But I learned quickly that you had the balls to do the job. And that despite that beautiful face, you weren't naïve…you weren't innocent…that you had a brilliant mind and an empathy that I'd never seen before. But you also had a realistic view of the world."

Elliot smiled. "You remember those early years?"

Olivia nodded. She remembered learning so much from him at the time, but she had felt like she was teaching him some things too. They had their differences, but…

"We complemented each other so well. I looked forward to coming to work, and even though I couldn't admit it then, I looked forward to spending time with _you_." Elliot knew it had happened gradually; he couldn't pick one moment in time. "Suddenly, there was gray…where there'd never been any before."

Olivia was starting to get uncomfortable. She didn't think Elliot would dare talk about things that had been left unspoken until now…but she wasn't sure. Suddenly, she wanted to get up and leave. But there was a part of her that wanted to stay and hear what he had to say. To see how far he'd take this.

Elliot saw Olivia shift uncomfortably, and he knew he was surprising her with his honesty. But he had no reason to hide it anymore…it was now or never. "You know everything that happened in the years that followed. The trouble between Kathy and me…the ups and downs of my relationship with you."

Olivia balked at the word relationship, and what it implied. "Relationship?"

"Don't do that." Elliot said. "I'm being honest with you. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about."

Olivia wanted to object. She wanted to point out all the men she had dated over the course of their partnership…all the men she'd slept with. But she knew there was no point. She knew that Elliot was right. He was being honest with her. For the first time ever. And she had agreed to listen.

Elliot saw Olivia nod slightly. "Those last few years…" Elliot looked away, recalling a better time. "I think we both knew what we were to each other and we were just…in limbo. I was tied to Kathy. With Eli…" Elliot shook his head. "I didn't want to be the absent father like I was with the others. I felt like I owed him more than that. I owed him a family life…an unbroken home." Elliot turned and looked out the window, unable to face Olivia at that moment. "But I was being such a hypocrite because it was all a sham. I wasn't happy at home. I only wanted to be with you."

The truth of those words slammed into her. In the time they were partners, she'd felt it…known it…took strange satisfaction that he'd rather be with her than at home. But his abrupt departure had made her question what she thought she knew. The validation now confused her.

"I really don't need a history lesson." Olivia snapped at Elliot. She had lived through those years with Elliot. She had lived through the back and forth with his family. She had been well aware of the conflict he felt.

"I'm trying to tell you what happened and why."

"I was there Elliot." Olivia's anger was back. "I lived it every day. You don't think I could see how conflicted you were? You don't think I thought about all the what ifs?" She asked. "You don't think that I struggled with the decisions you made?" She remembered with brilliant clarity the day he had told her that Kathy was pregnant. It had been a punch in the gut…delivered at a time when she thought things may be going in the right direction for them. "I knew that you always struggled to do the right thing. Or what you thought was the right thing." Olivia looked down at the table. "I made decisions too." Olivia looked up at Elliot, staring him right in the eye. "I stayed with you because I loved my job and I loved how we worked together and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. And I hoped that some day, you'd pull your head out of your ass and make a decision about what you wanted." Olivia stood up quickly, and the back of her knees connected with the chair, almost toppling it. "My mistake was believing that when you did make a choice, it would be me." She pressed her lips together, angry that tears were pooling on her lower lashes once again. Once again, she found herself revealing more than she had ever intended. But now that she'd started…that they had both started…she couldn't stop it. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her breathing. "But I told you…I've gotten over it."

Olivia saw Elliot stand up and she held up her hand. "Don't. I thought I wanted to hear the reasons you left, but I've realized it doesn't really matter. It's done. We can't go back. We can't change the past."

Elliot was still trying to absorb everything Olivia had said…all the truths she had revealed. Her admissions shocked him. Not because the knowledge was new to him, but because he couldn't believe she was admitting it.

The confession seemed to have pushed her over the edge, and he could see she was ready to leave. That she was done talking.

"Maybe not. But we can change the future." Elliot said quickly.

"And you decided that when? This morning?" Olivia set her jaw, daring him to tell her otherwise. Elliot had made no attempts to contact her until circumstances brought him to the precinct.

"It wasn't because I didn't want to." Elliot said, knowing he was losing her. "But by the time I figured it out, I thought it was too late. I had been gone too long. I didn't know what to say to you. How to tell you that I was sorry and that I'd fucked up and that I'd made one bad decision after another." Elliot voice was tinged with emotion. He took a few steps towards her, and she took an involuntary step back.

Olivia looked into Elliot's eyes, and she thought it was the closest he'd come to crying that she'd ever seen. He was opening up to her in a way she'd never heard before, and for someone that kept everything bottled up all the time, she knew this was difficult for him.

"I made so many wrong decisions for what I thought were the right reasons." He took a tentative step closer and felt a glimmer of hope when she didn't move away from him. He could finally say what he wanted to say. "But when I left after that day…" He knew he didn't need to be more specific. Neither one of them would ever forget it. "Everything came rushing back at me. I hadn't been a good father to my kids because I was gone all the time. I hadn't been a good husband to my wife. I failed to protect those I'd sworn to protect…I'd failed Jenna Fox. Everything I believed in…" Elliot took a deep breath. "And I blamed you."

"What?" Olivia was shocked. She furrowed her brows…her anger fresh. She took a step forward, so they were nearly face to face. "You blamed me? What the…"

"Listen!" Elliot grabbed her by the shoulders. She tried to wrest herself free, but he held her tightly. He needed her to hear him. "I did blame you. I blamed you because ever since the day you had walked into the precinct for the first time, I had fallen in love with you a little more each day."

Olivia struggled against him again, but his fingers dug into her skin and she stopped. "I don't want to hear this." She choked out, her throat thick with emotion.

"Did you hear what I said?"

Olivia shook her head. "I don't…."

"I blamed you for my time away from my family. I blamed you for my inability to commit to my wife. I blamed you for the times I'd failed to do my job…" He swallowed hard. "And I blamed you for Jenna."

Olivia gasped. "You son-of-a -bitch." She lifted her arm and chopped at his arm, forcing him to lose his grip on her. "I didn't make you do _anything_. And for you to stand there and tell me that all of this is my fault…" Olivia was done listening to him, and she turned to walk away. "I never should have agreed to talk to you.

Elliot grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop in her tracks. He heard you gasp, and he dropped her arm immediately. "I'm not saying that!"

Olivia turned around to look at him again. "You clearly just said that this was my fault."

"I said that I blamed you at first. I needed time and space to sort things out. My feelings for Kathy. My feelings for you. The job. My feelings about shooting Jenna and why."

"You shot Jenna because you're training kicked in. That's what you're trained to do." Olivia remembered Elliot looking across the squad room at her, fear clearly showing on his face.

"Did I?" Elliot asked.

Olivia didn't answer because she'd had the same questions herself.

"It took me months…" He let out a deep breath. "Months. I talked to my priest. I went to counseling."

Olivia raised an eyebrow, surprised by that fact. Neither she or Elliot had ever had a love of counseling, but she had learned over time that it can help. "I had to face the things that had happened to me as a child. I had to come to terms with how I saw myself…my roles and responsibilities. I had to take personal responsibility for the decisions I'd made, and the lies I'd told myself. And most of all, I learned that it's ok to take care of yourself. That I deserved to be happy." He took a step forward, closing the gap between them slightly. "And that sometimes…" His voice turned tender. "You can't help who you fall in love with."

Olivia's breath hitched slightly. At Elliot's words, his proximity and the tenderness in his voice.

"I realized that no one was to blame, and all of us had a share in the blame…and that it didn't really matter. What was done was done." Elliot found that he wanted to reach out, but he didn't dare move. By some miracle, she was still listening to him.

"But when you figured that all out, then why didn't you pick up the phone? I was sitting here, wondering just what in the hell I'd done to deserve being shit on like that…"

"All that didn't happen overnight." Elliot said. "And once I got to that point, I had to work out things with Kathy…work on my relationship with my kids."

"So, you just hadn't gotten around to it yet." Olivia said sarcastically.

"I told you…I thought it was too late." Elliot hung his head. "I wanted to…more than anything…but I knew I'd hurt you deeply." He looked back up at her. "But I know you're strong Liv. I knew you'd rally. And part of me didn't think it was fair to disrupt your life again. Like I said, I'd lost my chance."

Olivia was amazed by his hubris once again. The fact that he had decided to make that decision on his own…

"I was afraid."

Elliot's words stopped her cold, and she felt the knot of anger loosen a little. Elliot had shared more emotion that he'd shared with her in the twelve years she'd know him. But to admit to being afraid…

"Afraid of what?" Her voice was tentative, wondering if he'd answer or if he'd think he'd already said too much.

Elliot hesitated, but he realized that at this point, he had nothing to lose. "I was afraid that you really had moved on." He dropped his voice, afraid to voice his deepest fear. "I was afraid to find out that you didn't love me anymore."


	8. Chapter 8

AN: I am blown away my everyone's comments! You are all so wonderful in your appreciation of this story. I have to say that I am blown away by your interest. As many of you know, I try to be true to their characters as much as possible (unless I explicitly say that I'm not), but I know I don't get it right all the time. After all, I'm making this up. But I wanted to give some closure here, so at least it's giving me some peace. Thank you! Here we go.

This is where we left off (just in case anyone forgot).

EOEOEOEOEO

 _Elliot hesitated, but he realized that at this point, he had nothing to lose. "I was afraid that you really had moved on." He dropped his voice, afraid to voice his deepest fear. "I was afraid to find out that you didn't love me anymore."_

Elliot felt a thread of fear snake up his spine as he watched Olivia's reaction to what he'd said. He couldn't remember a time when he'd felt so vulnerable…so exposed. He had laid it all on the line, hoping it would be enough. It was up to her now…she held his heart in her hands.

The fear Elliot had been feeling formed a knot in his stomach.

He realized that maybe this moment was what he had feared the most…the real reason he hadn't reached out to her earlier. As long as he didn't hear Olivia tell him that she didn't love him, he could believe that she did.

Elliot continued to watch her…the emotions playing across her features as she absorbed everything he'd said. He knew her tendency to overthink everything…to try to find hidden meaning…meant she was mulling over every word. He knew it was an inherent part of who she was, but right now, her lack of response was making his heart rate soar.

Olivia could see the panic on Elliot's face, as if he'd said too much and wished he could take it back. But there was no taking it back now. It was out there…this question…begging to be answered. She knew that her delayed response was at least part of the reason for the intense look on his face and the deep blue of his eyes.

Her first instinct was to tell him that she didn't love him…that she had never loved him.

It was her sense of self-preservation kicking in.

But the way he was looking at her…the things he'd said…

She knew she had the power to crush him then and there. That she could tell him that she didn't love him, and he would go away. That she would never see him again. That she could live the lie she'd told herself. That she had moved on. That she was happy.

No matter how angry she was with him, she couldn't lie to him. Not when he'd risked so much.

No matter what happened in the past, and no matter what happened after this moment…it was time for her to be as honest with him as he'd been with her.

Olivia parted her lips, hardly able to believe she was about to utter the words she'd buried deep inside her for so long. She swallowed hard, suddenly gripped with uncertainty. But she pushed it aside; her decision was made. "I love you."

If Olivia hadn't been so intent on everything she wanted to say, she might have smiled at the immediate relief on Elliot's face and in his stance…as if his body was drained of intense pain.

"I've loved you for as long as I remember." She said, and then she looked down briefly. "I loved you when I shouldn't have…and I tried." She looked back up at him. "I tried to tell myself that I didn't. I tried dating other people, sleeping with other men…to try to erase my feelings. I told myself it was just because we were close, because we had bonded over the job. That we cared for each other in such a way because of the things we saw every day." Olivia pressed her lips together. "I even went away. I needed to create some distance." She remembered those lonely nights in Oregon, filled with thoughts of Elliot. "But I knew it was hopeless. I watched you struggle, I watched you try to put your life back together with your family, and at times, I doubted what I thought I knew. But it was always there, and finally, I just accepted what we were to each other. Like I told you before, I just hoped that some day…" Olivia looked past Elliot and out the window, trying to focus on anything but his face. "The past year and a half…" She looked back at Elliot. "My heart was broken when you left." Olivia saw the pained expression on his face. "I can see that hurts to hear, but it's nothing compared to how I felt. I kept thinking that you would realize what you'd done…that you'd reach out to me. I didn't understand how you could do that to me." Olivia shook her head. "I still don't." She said bluntly. Olivia let out a sigh. "So…you want the honest truth?" She waited a half a second before she continued. "Yes. I loved you. Yes, I still love you. I know I always will. It's like a dull ache that will never go away. But like I did during our partnership, I've buried it deep inside of me. I came to terms with the fact that you and me…that was never going to happen. I _have_ moved on. I had a relationship with someone else that showed me what it's like to be desired. It may not have been love, but he made me happy. And now I'm seeing someone else, and I think we have a shot at happiness too."

Now it was Elliot's turn to be shocked. He never quite believed she would tell him that she loved him, so her confession was a surprise to him, and he felt his hope rekindled. But then she had cut him down again, and he realized it was all tied in to the myriad of reasons he hadn't been in touch. He had assumed she had a life without him now. He had told himself he didn't want to disrupt that. But he'd been lying to himself because that's exactly what he had hoped for when he walked into the precinct today. He hoped that by being honest with her, she would be honest with him and they could figure out how to mend what had been torn asunder.

"What did you think Elliot?" Olivia asked, when she saw the crestfallen look on Elliot's face. "Did you think you could sweep in here and finally be honest with me, and that we'd walk out of here hand in hand?"

"I don't know." Elliot said, still trying to take it all in. "I guess…yeah. I mean…" He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I thought that maybe if I started to be honest with you, then maybe you'd be honest with me and we could start over. I didn't expect you to fall into my arms…" Secretly, he had hoped for that very thing, even though he had known it wasn't going to happen. "But I had hoped that we could try to figure it out." Elliot took a step forward. "Olivia…I love you."

Olivia realized in that instant, that Elliot had never said those three words to her. She may have known it, she may have heard it in the truths he had revealed today, but he hadn't said it so directly. It made her heart ache, and she could feel the tears threatening again. "Don't." She said, and she had to turn away from him. She didn't want him to see her crying.

Elliot thought about everything he'd said today…and realized it had been the power of those three little words that gave everything weight and importance. "Olivia." He said her name softly…reverently…and he took a few steps towards her. He lay a hand gently on her shoulder and swipe his thumb back and forth. "I love you." He said again. "I should have told you that the moment I realized it. And I wish you would have told me too." He slid his hand down her shoulder and grasped her arm there, while he slid his other hand on her left shoulder. She wasn't saying anything, but he could feel her trying to hold back tears…her body trembling slightly. He lowered his face towards the back of her head, inhaling the scent of her that always haunted him. He considered his next words…a risk that he wasn't sure his heart could take. "I'm so sorry for how I've hurt you. I know I can never take away that pain. I love you, and I want to be in your life. In whatever way you'll have me. But…I'm leaving that up to you. I owe you that. And if you decide that you can't…" His voice cracked slightly. "I'll just have to live with that." He pressed a kiss to the side of her head, inhaling deeply one last time. Elliot released her then, even though it took all his strength to do so and slipped around her towards the door. When he reached for the door, he turned and looked at her. She had lifted her head, and he could see tears streaking down her face. He resisted the urge to go to her…to wipe the tears away…but he didn't. Everything that happened now had to be up to her. He had to give her the time and space to decide what she wanted.

He only hoped her future plans included him.

Olivia watched as Elliot left the room, closing the door behind him. There was a part of her that wanted to chase after him…to do exactly what she had mocked him with. She wanted to feel his strong arms enfold her. She wanted to lay her head on his chest and feel his heart beat. He wanted to hear him tell her that everything was going to be okay.

She wanted to hear him tell her that he loved her over and over again.

She leaned over, bracing her hands on her knees. She felt like she couldn't breathe, and she wondered if this was what a panic attack felt like. She had to calm down…she had to come to her senses. If she didn't, she knew she would do something irrational.

There was a light knock on the door, and Olivia startled, sending her already soaring heart rate even higher. She straightened up just as the door opened, and she saw Nick poke his head inside the door.

"You alright?"

Olivia turned her back to him, swiping at the tears on her face. "I'm fine." She needed him to give her a few minutes, but she didn't trust her voice not to shake if she said anything else. The past hour, or however long it had been, had been intensely emotional, and she felt completely drained. She wasn't equipped to talk to Nick…or to anyone for that matter.

"You don't seem fine." Nick said.

Olivia heard the door close and she turned to see Nick walked up to her cautiously.

"What happened?" He asked. "I mean, you don't have to tell me but…"

Olivia knew Nick wasn't prying…that he was only concerned about her well-being. And if she thought maybe Nick didn't like Elliot, it was confirmed in everything he wasn't saying now.  
God help her…surrounded by all these men that wanted to protect her.

"We just had a lot to hash out." Olivia said, downplaying the conversation. She looked towards the door. "Did he leave?"

"Yeah. He grabbed his jacket, kind of nodded at Fin and Munch, and left. He didn't say a word."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nick asked.

Olivia smiled at her young partner. The look on his face told her that he hoped to God she wouldn't. But she knew he would listen if she asked him to, just like she'd done for him. "I'm just tired." She swiped her hands across her cheeks. "I think I just need a little time alone." She walked up to Nick and lay her hands on his shoulders. "I know I've told you this before, but you're a good partner." She released his shoulders and headed towards the door. At this moment, she just wanted to lay down in the cribs and fall into a blissful sleep. Where she didn't have to think about Richard White, Elliot Stabler or the three little words that made her heart ache.


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia saw the Styrofoam take-out boxes stacked on her desk as she walked out of the conference room.

"They dropped off lunch, but we didn't want to interrupt you." Munch offered.

Olivia didn't say a word. Didn't look at the guys. Didn't slow down. She grabbed the boxes and dumped them in the trash with one hand and snatched her phone off her desk with the other, never breaking her stride as headed towards the cribs as planned.

She could feel eyes boring into her back, and she felt a moment of guilt. The team hadn't done anything wrong, and yet, she was treating them badly.

 _Goddamn Elliot_. She was pissed off that she'd agreed to talk to him, and that she let Elliot upset her again. She had a new routine now… a new reality. She had been moving forward. She wasn't interested in going backwards.

Olivia pushed open the door to the cribs. She tried to slam the door behind her, but even that wouldn't cooperate. Damn it! She strode into the room and sat down on the edge of one of the bunks. It wasn't lost on her that she always seemed to pick the one that Elliot had chosen most of the time.

Olivia got up purposefully and chose another bed, sitting on the bed as she checked her messages. She saw three missed calls and a text message from Brian, and it was like a lightening rod to her already frayed nerves. The last thing she wanted to do was call him, but if she didn't get back to him, he would just keep calling and texting her.

So much for keeping messages from him to a minimum. There would be no hiding their relationship now if (when) her phone records were downloaded and scoured. Olivia let out a sigh as she called him back, but was relieved when, by some stroke of luck, the call went to voicemail.

"Hey Bri. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. It's kind of nuts here. Please don't call me back on this number. I'll call you when I can. I'll explain then."

She disconnected the call and tossed the bed down on the bed, swinging her legs up as she lay down. She let out a heavy sigh as she lay her arm over her eyes, took out a deep breath, and let it out slowly. The only thing she wanted to do was sleep. But her thoughts wouldn't be quieted.

Thoughts of Brian lingered in her mind, and she wondered why she had let herself get involved with him again. It was probably because it was easy…something from her past that was comfortable…uncomplicated. They had met again by chance and had fallen in bed much like they had the first time. A little alcohol and a much-needed release made it easy.

 _Richard White._

An image of his face popped into her mind…the cold eyes and even more chilling smile. She shuddered involuntarily, knowing what he was capable of. As she thought about the case, she remembered that Brian had been with the squad then. He had been working a different angle, along with Munch. But he would remember.

That was just weeks before she had slept with him the first time.

Olivia let out another sigh, and suddenly it was Elliot that crowded her thoughts.

She replayed everything Elliot had said, tried to recall everything she'd said, and thought of a few things she _wished_ she would have said.

It was a continuous stream of thoughts and images…one after the other. The words spoken. The emotion on his face. The pain. The tears. As her mind swirled, new memories surfaced. Fragments of their days spent as partners started to weave into her consciousness. The small moments they shared and the spectacular blowouts…and everything in between. Olivia pressed her hand to her temples, willing her mind to stop.

When she couldn't stand it any longer, she rolled over and buried her face in the pillow, muffling a primal scream that came from deep inside of her.

EOEOEOEO

Elliot looked at his phone to see if he had possibly missed any calls or texts, even though he knew he hadn't. He couldn't seem to keep himself from checking…like a drug addict waiting for his next fix.

Three days has passed since he had left Olivia at the precinct, and they'd been three of the longest days of his life. Especially today, since he'd come back to his apartment in Manhattan after dropping Eli at school. The little boy had helped to distract him, but Kathy was coming home this afternoon, and he didn't need to stay in Queens any longer.

Cragen had checked in with him every day to give him an update. It was mostly pointless, since they hadn't heard another word from Richard White nor had there been any sightings. Elliot wondered if Cragen was just using White as an excuse to check in with him, even though Cragen never mentioned Olivia or asked about how it was going between the two of them.

He picked up his phone again…knowing it was pointless…but checking for a message anyway.

If he really allowed himself to think about it, he would realize how crazy he was acting. Four days ago, when he had woken up in the morning, he'd had no intention of seeing or talking to Olivia. Now…not hearing from her was killing him.

He wondered if this was payback on her part. He knew there had been days…weeks...probably months…when she'd waited for a return call or message from him.

Now that he was experiencing the pain of that first hand, he realized he hadn't apologized nearly enough.

He wondered, not for the first time, what she was doing right now, and how she felt about their conversation. He could picture her, thinking through everything that had happened, reliving every part of their conversation, and weighing all the pros and cons of resuming some kind of relationship with him. Elliot hated that he had left it up to her, but he knew that it was how it had to be.

If he could only have a few more minutes though…if he had one more opportunity to say the things he hadn't said. To please his case. Because he was getting nervous now.

Elliot picked up his phone and checked it again.

He let out a sigh. He couldn't help but feel that the more time that slipped away, the less likely it was that she was going to call him.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia was going out of her mind.

Brian had been checking on her incessantly and pushing to see her ever since she had revealed that Richard White was on the loose.

Her private detail…two burly guys straight out of a muscle magazine…followed her around like she was the Queen of England. She hated the lack of privacy and the restrictions on her activities.

Amaro kept asking if she was okay…

As did Munch and Cragen.

Even Fin asked if she needed to talk.

That's when she knew that she must be more on edge than even _she_ realized.

Being chained to her desk had never been easy for her. She felt so useless, no matter how hard she was working. And it gave her too much time to think.

Time seemed to be dragging on…

Today was even worse, now that it was Saturday. Her detail wouldn't let her go to the gym or shop for groceries, and she felt like a prisoner in her own home. All this, despite the fact that they hadn't seen or heard from Richard White in three days. She had tried to argue with Cragen about needing her own private bodyguards, but he'd been adamant that this thing with White wasn't over. He had the feeling that White was playing a cat and mouse game, waiting for them to drop their guard. Olivia wasn't so certain.

Maybe she just didn't want to deal with Richard White right now, so that's what she wanted to believe.

Olivia tried to focus on the book in her lap, but she kept looking at her phone that was lying on the coffee table. He had left the ball in her court, but there was a part of her that had expected him to call. The fact that he hadn't left her feeling unsettled. Part of her was glad that he was living up to what he'd said…but she didn't like the pressure of having to make a decision that would impact both of them for the rest of their lives.

Of course, he had made a similar decision for them in the not so distant past, so she supposed it was only fair.

Olivia picked up the book on her lap and started reading again. She was pretty sure she'd read the same page at least four times, but the words were swimming on the page. She tossed the book on the couch with a frustrated sigh and pushed herself up.

The officer sitting at the table looked up at her, a question in his eyes.

"I have to get out of here for a little while." Olivia said. "I want to go to the gym." She wanted to work off some of the energy coiled inside of her…and get thoughts of Elliot and Richard White out of her mind.

The bodyguard shook his head. "I'm sorry ma'am, but my orders are…"

Olivia cut him off. "Don't ma'am me." She snapped, hating that term.

He didn't seem deterred. "I'm sorry, but I'm under orders that you're not to leave this apartment."

"That's ridiculous. You can't keep me prisoner here."

"Captain Cragen was very clear…"

"Forget it." She didn't care that she had interrupted him again. She headed towards her bedroom, and then paused at the doorway. Olivia placed her hand on the doorframe and dropped her head. She took a deep breath and turned back to face him. "I know this isn't your fault. I'm sorry I snapped at you." Then she turned and went into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot opened his eyes, narrowing them at the sun streaming into the room. He had tossed and turned until finally falling asleep in the early morning hours, so he must have slept later than usual. A groan escaped as he rolled over to look at the clock on his nightstand, but his attention was diverted as he saw his phone laying there. He snatched it off the small table and saw he had some text messages. He opened them eagerly, but only saw messages from Kathy and Maureen.

He felt a surge of disappointment, and he knew he wasn't going to be able to last another day wondering and waiting. As long as he didn't have an answer, he could still hope. But it was killing him. He needed to know, even if she told him that she never wanted to see him again.

He hoped it didn't come to that.

Elliot thought about his parting comments to Olivia. _It's up to you. If you decide you can't, I'll have to live with that._

He had to keep his word. He had to be patient.

He had told her that he loved her.

She had told him that she loved him too.

He had to have faith in that.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia stood in the shower, hot water streaming down her body. She hadn't slept much the night before and she was spent…physically and emotionally exhausted. Tears were running down her cheeks, mixing in with the water from the shower head, and instead of wiping them away, she let them stream freely. She was frustrated and angry and sad and confused and the tears provided an outlet for all her emotions. Olivia covered her mouth as a sob escaped, and then she slid down until she was sitting on the bottom of the tub. She wrapped her arms around her legs and lowered her head until she didn't have any more tears left and the water turned cold.

As she toweled off and started to get dressed, she felt like her mind was clear.

She had told Elliot that she had moved on…and she had.

She had proven that she could still do her job without him…that she could work with a new partner and still take perps off the street.

She had proven that she could be in a relationship…that she could feel something for someone other than him.

She had proven that she could envision a future without him…even though it hadn't been what she had wanted to do.

Olivia looked in the mirror and brushed her hair back from her face.

She was a strong, independent woman. She knew how to take care of herself…she'd been doing it all her life.

She didn't need Elliot Stabler in her life.

Olivia grabbed her cell phone and opened the messaging screen, intent on telling him that very thing. Her fingers hovered over the keys, but she couldn't seem to make herself type the words. After a few minutes of staring at the keyboard, she tossed the phone down on the top of the bureau in frustration.

She couldn't make herself send the message that would sever her relationship with Elliot forever.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Sorry for the last transition chapter, but I need you to feel their conflict and understand their state of mind. Hopefully that will make this chapter better! Thanks for all the love!

EOEOEOEO

Olivia pulled a heavy, cream-colored sweater over her head and watched as it fell on her jean clad hips. She decided the color looked good against the dark wash of her jeans, and she brushed her hair back from her face as she leaned in to look in the mirror. She had taken some time doing her makeup, but now she finished it off with a coat of clear gloss. As she straightened, she smoothed the sweater back down her torso and looked head on in the mirror.

"You can do this." She said to her reflection.

Olivia's phone rang, and she saw Brian's name flash on the screen. "Benson."

"Hey." Brian said.

"Hey." Olivia walked out of her bedroom and into the living room.

"Everything okay on your end?" Brian asked. "No sign of White?"

"I haven't heard from him." Olivia said.

"You still got your detail?"

"Yeah." Olivia said, glancing over at the man sitting at her table. She had almost forgotten he was there. She turned and walked back into the bedroom; she didn't need him eavesdropping on her conversation.

"I'm anxious to see you." Brian said. "But…um…so how's this going to work? Is this guy in your apartment 24/7?"

Olivia rolled her eyes, even though Brian couldn't see her. The man had only one thing on his mind. Typically, she didn't mind, but today…things felt different. "He can be _outside_ the apartment." Olivia said. "But maybe we can just have dinner and watch a movie."

"Oh. Yeah. That would be good too." Brian said quickly. "I just want to see you."

Olivia couldn't help but smile at his attempt to recover. He was like a little boy sometimes…so eager to please. She thought that was one of the things she liked about him. Brian was easy going…uncomplicated. What you saw is what you got with Brian. It was easy. "I'll see you soon." Olivia hung up and walked into the living room. Her bodyguard, Ben, stood up.

"Ready to go?" He asked.

Olivia pressed her lips together and nodded, and then followed him out of her apartment.

EOEOEOEOE

Olivia was annoyed by Ben's presence as she walked down the apartment hallway. She knew it wasn't his fault, but tomorrow, when she was back in the precinct, she was going to demand Cragen call off the protective detail. White had obviously fled town, and even if he hadn't, she could defend herself. She glanced back at him, trailing 20 feet behind her. "You stay outside, ok?" She saw him nod and she continued down the hall.

She had to knock two times before the door swung open, and she saw the shock on Elliot's face as he realized Olivia was standing in his doorway. She was certain it matched her own, as she had argued with herself about the wisdom of coming over here all afternoon and even during the cab ride itself. She had tried to adopt of look of calm before she knocked, but her stomach was churning, and she was pretty certain she hadn't pulled it off.

"Olivia." Elliot heard the disbelief in his tone. His eyes swept over her, and then over her shoulder at the big guy standing behind her. "What…" He stopped immediately. He was about to ask her what she was doing there, but he didn't care. She was here and that was all the mattered. Even if she intended to tell him to go fuck himself, he had another chance to talk to her, apologize, beg for a second chance...or just to see her. He felt a small glimmer of hope.

Especially because he knew that showing up here had probably been amazingly difficult for her.

"So, are you going to let me in?" Olivia said, somewhat sarcastically, and that comment alone made her feel a little bit more like herself…a little bolder. Elliot's smirk eased the tension a hair bit more.

"Some things never change." He teased as he stepped back to let her in. She saw him look over her shoulder again.

"Ben's staying outside."

Elliot nodded, but he felt awkward closing the door before Ben entered. He glanced over at Olivia. "Just a second." He said. Elliot grabbed a chair from the table that was to his left and pulled open the door. "Here you go." He said as he slid the chair out into the hallway.

The distraction gave Olivia a few seconds to take in Elliot's apartment. Ever since she'd found out that he and Kathy were separated, she had wondered where he was living. She had called Cragen today to get his address, thankful that he hadn't asked any questions, and was very surprised to find that Elliot lived less than a mile from her. She would have assumed he would have a place in Queens, to be close to his kids. Of course, she had no idea where his kids were living now…so maybe he did pick a spot close to them.

 _Or maybe he had picked it to be close to her_. She shut down that idea right away.

Her eyes scanned the apartment. A small galley kitchen was off to her left and the placement of it reminded her of her own. But the layout differed from there. To the right was a small dining area and she could see a hallway leading away from that. The living room was directly in front of her, and from what she could see, it looked comfortable and completely male. A dark leather couch and shades of navy blue and brown throughout.

"Come on in." Elliot said, motioning towards the living room. "Do you want something to drink?"

Olivia knew it was only 3 in the afternoon, but she felt like she could really use something to take the edge off. Plus, it would give her something to do with her hands. "Do you have any wine?"

"Sure. Make yourself at home." Elliot said as he walked into the kitchen. He heard her walking across the wood floor and he braced his arms against the counter as he tried to slow down his heart. _Olivia had come to see him._ Over the past four days, he hadn't been able to focus on anything except will she or won't she. Contact from her had been all that he wished for. He had replayed all the things he would say to her if he had another chance…and now…his mind was blank. "Pull your shit together Stabler." He whispered to himself.

"Did you say something?" Olivia asked as she walked into the living room. She saw a large stone fireplace to the left, with a beautiful wooden mantle. Framed photos were lined up, fighting for space, and she walked over to take a closer look. She saw one of all five kids that looked recent, and then several different groupings, some with and some without Elliot. She smiled as she gazed at the kids…they were always Elliot's pride and joy. But then her heart skipped a beat. There, amidst all the other photos, was one of she and Elliot. It was a moment captured during a happier time…and Olivia could feel tears prickling at the back of her eyes. Had he kept this photo here among his most prized possessions this entire time?

"Here you go."

Olivia whirled around when she heard Elliot's voice. "Eli's gotten so big." She said, hoping he didn't hear the emotion in her voice. She turned her attention back to a photo that she assumed was taken on Eli's first day of school. The kid was standing there beaming, with a backpack at his feet and a lunchbox in his hand.

"He started Kindergarten this year." Elliot said with a smile. "He was pretty excited." He knew Eli held a special place in Olivia's heart, and he had never forgotten her role in his birth. "Hard to believe…doesn't seem that long ago that he was born. He still asks about that day sometimes, and the woman that saved him."

Olivia blushed slightly, unsure of what to do with that comment. So, she didn't say anything. As Elliot got closer, he offered the wineglass and she took it from him. Her nerves had blossomed again, so she averted her eyes and changed the conversation back to something safe. "This is a nice place." She said, glancing back around the room.

"Yeah, I like it. I have two bedrooms, and even though one of them is fairly small, it's fine for Eli. He's the only one that ever stays here. At least with any regularity." He watched as Olivia walked around the room, touching things lightly…trailing her fingers along the back of the couch. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off her. The cream-colored sweater was striking against her dark skin, and the denim of her jeans hugged her body. He loved the length of her hair, and there was no other word to describe her except stunning. He had to tear his eyes away before she caught him staring.

"It suits you." Olivia said from her spot across the room. She took a sip of wine and stared back at Elliot. There was an awkwardness between them…but she didn't know how to break it. How to tell him what she'd come here to say.  
"The girls might have helped a little, but yeah, I think it's kind of my style. Elliot knew Olivia was stalling; his apartment wasn't that interesting.

Maybe he should break the ice. It would give him a chance to say what he wanted to say…just in case he didn't get a chance.

"I'm happy that you're here." He said, hoping she knew exactly just how much. "I was really surprised to see you at my door."

"Not as surprised as I was." Olivia said. She leaned forward and grabbed her wine glass, staring at it as she held it in her hands. "I…" She rotated her wrist and watched the red liquid swirl around the glass. She looked up at Elliot and saw he was watching her. "I don't know why I'm here." She said.

"I think you do." Elliot said softly. "Or you wouldn't be here."

Olivia furrowed her brow slightly, and Elliot could tell he had surprised her with his comment. But she didn't argue with him. Silence stretched between them…

Elliot leaned forward, bracing his arms on his knees. "Just talk to me Olivia. Please."

Olivia saw the earnest look on his face, and she wanted to be honest with him. "I never intended to come over here…to see you." She sighed heavily. "I've spent the last four days thinking about everything that's happened…about our conversation at the precinct." Olivia brushed her hair back from her face and tucked it behind her right ear. She stared down at her hands. It was almost too painful to look at Elliot. "I've spent the last four days telling myself all the reasons I don't need you in my life." Olivia said as she set the glass back on the table. "I picked up my phone a hundred times to send you a message and tell you…" She looked back at Elliot and could see the hard set of his jaw…as if he was waiting for the blow to come. Olivia pushed herself off the couch and walked around the back of it, putting a little more distance between them. She stared down at her fingers as they dug into the back of the couch. "But for some reason, I couldn't send the message. So, I thought…" Olivia pressed her lips together. "I thought maybe I should tell you in person…" She lifted her eyes and saw him staring at her intently.

Elliot could feel the conflict in her. She was trying to tell him it was over, but her body language was telling him that there was still doubt. "Tell me what?" He challenged.

"That I don't need this…" Olivia started.

"If you believed that, you would have sent that message." Elliot said.

Olivia drew in a sharp breath at his words. "I have a new partner." She said. "I have a boyfriend."

"Then why didn't you just call me and tell me that there's no room for me in your life?" Elliot asked.

"I thought…I wanted…" She was so confused. When she'd left her apartment, she had been determined to face him in person and tell him that very thing.

 _Or had she?_

Elliot stood up. She ws faltering, and he thought maybe…just maybe…this was his chance. "Olivia. I'm not asking you for anything you're not ready to give." He said evenly, taking a few steps in her direction. He stopped when he saw the wary expression on her face. "I'm not asking you to give up anything…" He swallowed. "I'm just asking…don't shut me out completely. I'll take whatever little piece of your life you're willing to give me." He wanted more than a little piece, but somehow, he had to convince her to give them a chance to work on things between them. If she cut him off completely…that would be it.

He watched as she pulled her bottom lip under her front teeth…a sign that she was listening and thinking about what he'd said. "Or…at the very least…just don't make a decision right now."

Olivia let out a groan of frustration as she turned away from him and leaned against the back of the couch. Her defenses were weakening, and she couldn't look at him anymore…the plea in those baby blues and the raw look on his face. "I'm still angry with you."

Elliot took a few steps towards the couch, walking slowly. Olivia still had her back to him, but she wasn't moving. "I know, and you have every right to be. I can't change the past, but I'll make it up to you. I swear."

"I don't know if I can ever trust you again." Olivia said. She knew that was where the deepest pain came from. After a lifetime of independence…of relying only on herself…she had put her trust in him. And he had wrecked her. It was the reason she could barely believe she was standing here, considering a future with Elliot in it.

"I know…but I'm going to work damned hard to show you that you can." Elliot rounded the couch now, and he was only a couple of feet away from her. Olivia looked up at him, and he saw vulnerability in her eyes that shook him to his core. "Olivia." He whispered her name, as he moved closer to her. "I promise." He reached out his right hand and brushed her hair back from her face. "I'll never hurt you again."

Olivia reached up and placed her hand over his as he brushed his fingers down her cheek. She turned her head into his hand, her body filled with an ache so deep that she shivered. "I want to believe you." She said. "But I'm afraid."

Elliot was struck by her words…the very words he had said to her. He realized he wasn't afraid anymore. He loved Olivia…and she had told him that she loved him too. She was here…which meant she believed there was some kind of future for them. What that was, he didn't know. But right now, he had to be brave for the both of them. Before he could even think about it, he pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her hair. "You don't need to be afraid. I'll be brave for both of us…and I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I'm here to stay." He wrapped his arms tightly around here, relishing the feel of her in his arms. "Just tell me you'll give me a chance."

Olivia wanted to resist…but she also wanted to believe.

She needed so badly to believe…because she had missed him.

More than she had even realized.

She stopped fighting it, and she relaxed into him as she slid her hands around his waist.

Elliot held her more tightly, and even though she didn't say another word…he knew he'd been granted a second chance.


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia had imagined several different scenarios as she had walked down the hallway to Elliot's apartment just a short time ago, but she hadn't envisioned an ending like this. She felt completely cocooned by Elliot's body, her cheek was still pressed against his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat was calming. Elliot had buried his face in her hair, and she could feel his warm breath on her skin. He was holding her tightly against him, as if he'd never let her go. They'd been standing like this…in silence…for minutes now. So long that they were swaying slightly in place, as if there was a soundtrack playing somewhere.

She felt safe…and it occurred to her that she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt that way.

She didn't ever want to leave.

She bit back a fresh wave of tears at the thought…because that's exactly what she had to do.

Less than 30 minutes in Elliot's apartment and she was wrapped in his arms. A few fervent promises…some soulful pleas…and she'd let herself fall completely. Despite her best intentions to keep him at arms-length while they figured this out.

While _she_ figured this out.

She should have known it would be nearly impossible to keep some distance between them. Their lives had been too intertwined before…she should have known it would be nearly impossible to keep her distance.

Elliot could feel Olivia's breath quicken, and he knew she was going to pull away any second now. He wished there was something he could say to make her stay; he felt as if he could stand here and hold her forever. He'd never been allowed to be this close. To enjoy the way her body molded perfectly to his…to feel the warmth of her body and the feel of her heartbeat…to inhale the full scent of her.

He didn't want to let her go because he didn't know if he'd ever get another chance to have her like this.

And yet, he knew he had to. He had to, or she would push him away and leave. It's what she did when she felt out of control. She left…she ran.

Elliot slowly loosened his grasp on her; he wasn't pushing her away but wasn't keeping her in place either. He felt her arms loosen around his waist, and he knew he had only seconds left. He took those moments to press a kiss to her temple, and then dropped his mouth closer to her ear. "Thank you." He whispered…and he knew she understood that he was thanking her for talking to him…for listening to him…for letting him hold her…for giving him a second chance.

The parting was as he imagined…slow and painful. He felt the loss of her as if something had been severed, and it really hit him then...how much he loved her…how much he needed her.

During the time he'd been allowed to hold her, he'd felt complete.

Olivia had taken a few steps away from him, and he saw her part her lips, ready to say something. Before she could speak, he reached out and grasped her hand lightly. "Stay." He said quietly. "Just for a little while."

Olivia felt Elliot's fingers tangle with hers, and she couldn't bring herself to pull away. When she heard him ask her to stay, her heart skipped a beat. She wanted desperately to stay, but there was a part of her that knew it wouldn't be a good idea. "I need to be somewhere…"

Elliot pressed his lips together, biting back a plea. He wasn't going to push her. He still needed her to drive this…to feel in control. "I understand." He said resignedly as he dropped her hand.

Olivia saw the look of disappointment on his face; she felt torn herself. She didn't know exactly what time it was, but it couldn't have been long. She had hours before meeting up with Brian. "I suppose I could stay…for a little while."

Elliot smiled. _Someone was looking out for him_. "Good."

There was an awkward pause…as if they didn't know what to do next.

"How about…" Elliot started. "Are you hungry? Did you eat?"

Olivia shrugged slightly. It was the middle of the afternoon…too late for lunch and too early for dinner. "I could eat something." It would give them something to do.

They spent the next few minutes looking at the takeout menus that Elliot had fished out of the kitchen drawer. The activity put them at ease. It was something safe and comfortable…something they had done hundreds of times in the past. They finally landed on soup and sandwiches from the deli around the corner, making sure they included an order for Ben.

Elliot grabbed a couple of bottles of water and motioned for Olivia to go back into the living room. He followed her and let her get settled on the couch before taking a seat in the chair across from her. He didn't want talk about them or where things went from here. They'd both had enough of that for one day.

He leaned back in his chair. "Tell me about this Amaro guy. He's a good partner?"

Olivia cocked her head, trying to figure out if Elliot was being sincere, or if he was poking fun at Nick. But she didn't get that sense, so she proceeded to tell him about Nick's arrival, her horrible treatment of him and Rollins, and how they eventually built some trust between them.

"He's protective of you." Elliot said.

Olivia nodded. Amanda and Nick knew about Elliot; his reputation preceded him. It must have been Fin and Munch, because she hadn't said a word. Their version of the story must not have been a very positive one, despite 12 wonderful years together, because Nick disliked Elliot without ever meeting him. "Partners get that way." She said by way of explanation and sighed in relief when she saw Elliot smile.

"They do." Elliot said. "And I'm guessing he doesn't like me very much."

Olivia shrugged. "He doesn't know you."

"Yeah." Elliot said. He wasn't going to push it. He really just wanted to hear about the people that Olivia worked with now. "What about Amanda? What's her story?"

They talked about Amanda…about what Fin and Munch had been up to…Cragen…the new ADA…only interrupted by the delivery of their order from the deli.

Before they knew it, a few hours had passed. Olivia wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't looked at her phone. And the only reason she had looked at her phone was because it was buzzing in her pocket. She saw a few messages from Brian and realized she had agreed to be at his place a half an hour ago. She opened the latest message…and realized Brian was worried that something had happened to her. She felt horrible, since Brian knew about White. "I'm sorry." She said. "I have to answer this."

Elliot nodded, and watched as she typed a message into her phone. He assumed it was the guy she was seeing. He wanted desperately to ask her about him, but it was too much. And part of him didn't want to know. He didn't even want to think about her kissing someone else…sleeping with someone else. His eyes traced over her features…the way her long hair fell over her face as she leaned over her phone…the curves of her body.

Olivia was gorgeous. Of course men wanted her…

He wondered how many men she had dated that he'd never known about…or if their relationship had kept her from finding happiness. He would never know.

"El?"

Elliot looked up. He realized Olivia had been talking to him. "Yeah?"

"I have to go." Olivia stood up and held up her phone, as if it offered an excuse. "I'm late."

Elliot stood up quickly. "Oh. Sure." They heard a knock at the door that startled them both, and Elliot quickly crossed to where Olivia was standing. "Stay here." He said, and then he walked to the door. He looked through the peephole and saw a very surprised Kathleen standing next to Ben. There was another man standing a few feet away, and Elliot opened the door quickly.

"Kathleen!" He reached for her and pulled her into the apartment as Kathleen asked him what the hell was going on. Kathleen stopped cold before she was all the way inside, and Elliot turned to see her staring at Olivia.

"Olivia?" Kathleen asked incredulously. She looked at Elliot and then back at Olivia. Her jaw hung open slightly, and then she broke into a grin. She walked over to Olivia with her arms wide open and pulled Olivia into a hug.

Olivia looked up at him as she embraced his daughter, and he smiled at the picture they made. Olivia had always loved his kids, but Olivia had really helped him with Kathleen. More than once.

Kathleen released Olivia and looked back towards her father. "I didn't know…" She stopped, and Elliot knew she didn't know what to say.

"We just got back in touch recently." Elliot said.

"Very recently." Olivia added.

Kathleen obviously knew enough not to ask any questions, but before she could say anything, Ben cleared his throat.

They all turned their attention back towards him, and Olivia saw the other bodyguard, Andy something, standing nearby. "It's our shift change." Ben said.

Olivia saw the small pile of garbage next to the chair, and she felt horrible for making him sit outside the door for the last several hours.

"What's going on?" Kathleen asked, looking at the two cops standing in the hallway.

"I'll explain later." Elliot said. He could tell that Olivia was annoyed by the protective detail, and he wanted to offer to protect her. But Kathleen was here. He had completely forgotten she was coming over when Olivia had shown up, and he felt bad about that. He wasn't going to abandon her. Plus, he knew there was no way Olivia was going to let him be her bodyguard.

"I have to go." Olivia repeated.

"But…I just got here!" Kathleen complained. "I want to catch up." She looked between Elliot and Olivia. "Don't leave."

Olivia was torn. The last few hours had been good, and she would have loved to catch up with Kathleen. But then she felt her phone vibrate in her hand again. "I'm sorry, but I have to go." She gave Kathleen a quick hug, and then brushed by her on her way to the door. She stopped by Elliot, unsure about how to say goodbye.

Elliot sensed her hesitancy. He didn't know if it was because Kathleen and the cops were watching, or if she genuinely didn't know what to do, so he made the decision for her. He leaned in slightly, brushing his hand down her arm, and kissed her gently on the cheek. "Thanks for today." He said quietly so that no one could hear him. He straightened up. "We'll talk soon." He said.

Olivia could feel a little blush on her cheeks. She didn't know what to say, so she nodded, and then headed out the door.

EOEOEOEOEO

On the way over to Brian's, Olivia called Cragen. She argued about the protective detail, all while looking at Andy. She smiled apologetically, but she knew he wasn't enjoying this either. He pretended he wasn't listening, but being stuck in the car, he wouldn't be able to help it.

Cragen was telling her all the reasons why he wasn't going to relent, but she was only half listening as she waged an internal debate.

"Captain." She sighed slightly. "I'm on my way over to Brian Cassidy's." She heard Cragen pause. "You remember Brian?"

"Yeah."

Olivia knew that Cragen was aware he was still on the NYPD payroll, and that he would be armed. "I'm going to be staying there." She hoped she didn't need to spell it out for him, and he didn't disappoint her.

"He can drop you at the precinct in the morning?" Cragen asked.

"Yes." Olivia said. She could hear his hesitation. "I'm armed. Brian's armed. Nothing's going to happen." Olivia pressed. She was rewarded with a sigh, and she knew he had relented.

"OK. Let me talk to the officer on duty."

Olivia handed her phone to Andy, and seconds later, he handed it back. "You're off duty?" She asked.

"As soon as I get you to your next location." Andy said.

Olivia could hear the relief in his voice, and she felt the same.

It was only minutes later when they arrived at Brian's apartment. Andy walked her to the door and waited until Brian answered before he took off.

Olivia walked into his apartment as Brian watched Andy leave. "He's leaving?"

"Yeah. I told Cragen that you would protect me." Olivia said. She heard Brian close the door behind them, and then she heard the click of the deadbolt.

"Always babe."

Brian came in for a kiss, but Olivia turned her head at the last second. Brian's lips grazed her cheek, and she realized it was the very spot that Elliot had kissed her less than an hour ago.

Brian didn't make a big deal of it. He just followed her into the apartment. "Wait a minute. You told Cragen about us?"

Olivia didn't miss his grin. She hadn't wanted to tell anyone, and she had insisted they keep it under wraps when he pushed her on it. But her need to get out from under her protective detail had won out. "More or less."

Olivia continued into the small room. She couldn't help comparing his small living room and somewhat shabby furnishings. Brian never really had grown up; his furnishings were those you might find in a college apartment. And there were no personal touches…none of the small details that gave the place character.

"What've you been doing all day? I was worried 'bout you."

Olivia saw a bottle of wine was open on the coffee table, and there were two wine glasses sitting next to it. She walked past it and sat down on the end of the couch. She curled up her legs beneath her, keeping her body positioned in the corner at an angle. "I was busy. I just lost track of time."

Brian was clueless when it came to body language, and he plopped down on the couch next to her. "Busy huh? Doing what?"

Olivia was annoyed. She didn't know why he was grilling her. But when she looked at him, she realized he wasn't prying…it was just Brian being Brian. "How about some wine?"

Brian didn't seem to mind the subject change. He sat up and poured them each some wine. He leaned in and stole a kiss as he handed her his wine, and Olivia didn't push him away. Brian prattled on about a case he'd been working on the past few days…giving her all the details. Olivia didn't mind…it kept her from talking and it kept him from asking questions. Her mind wandered as she sipped her wine, but she paid enough attention to add the appropriate nod or murmur yes or no to the somewhat rhetorical questions he asked. She was really thinking about Elliot…and she wondered what he was doing right now. She knew he was probably talking to Kathleen…and that she had a million questions for him.

He got her full attention when he took the glass out of her hand. She watched as he placed it on the table next to his. "I missed you babe." Brian placed his hand on her jaw, cupping her face, and leaned in to kiss her. He kissed her hard and pried her mouth open with his. Olivia tried to lose herself in the moment…and she wrapped her arm around his neck and gave in to the kiss. Moments later, Brian was tugging her legs out from beneath her, and pushing her down on the couch.

Brian dropped his mouth to her jaw and placed small kisses until he reached the tender skin beneath her ear. He was sucking and teasing the skin there, and Olivia was worried he was going to leave a mark. She bucked up her hips to try to move him off her, but Brian misinterpreted her intentions, and ground himself against her and moaned against her mouth as he started kissing her again. Olivia felt his hand slip beneath her sweater, and she reached down to stop him. She wrenched her mouth free from his. "Bri…"

Brian groaned and dropped his head to her shoulder. "Christ Liv…"

"I can't…" She pushed at his shoulder.

Brian lifted his head and stared at her. "You're killing me."

"Get off." Olivia said, trying to shift beneath him. "I said get off!" Olivia said roughly. Brian wasn't moving fast enough, and she rolled, knocking him off her and into the coffee table. The wine bottle toppled over, along with the glasses, and Olivia heard the shattering of glass.

"What the hell?" Brian asked, holding the back of his head as he stared up at her incredulously. "What is your problem?"

Olivia scrambled off the couch. "I told you to stop."

"I was…I did…Christ." Brian pulled his hand from his head, and looked at it, checking to see if he was bleeding.

Olivia realized she had overreacted, and she felt horrible. "I'm sorry." She said. "I just…"

Brian climbed up slowly, looking between her and the mess on the floor. "You just what?" He shook his head. "What's going on?" He furrowed his brow. "Did something happen today? Did White get to you?" He took a step closer. "Did he threaten you again?"

Olivia shook he head vehemently. "No! Nothing like that."

"Then what is it? You've been acting strange since you walked in the door." Brian said.

Olivia was getting angry now. "I don't want to have sex with you so there's something wrong with _me_?" She stabbed her finger at him. "I hadn't been in your apartment more than 15 minutes before you were sticking your tongue down my throat."

"That's never been a problem before. In fact, it seems to me that every time I see you, _you're_ the one pushing _me_ into the bedroom." There was a challenge in his tone. "Sometimes I think that's all you want from me."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "That's not true and you know it." Their voices were getting louder.

"Isn't it?" Brian asked. "You don't want to go out in public with me. You don't want to tell anyone about us." He took another step closer. "Why is that Liv?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now." Olivia said. She was so confused. She had really thought that she could have a decent relationship with Brian. He was fun…fun-loving. He didn't have a wide variety of interests and wasn't excited about trying new things, but he was a nice guy. And she was treating him like shit.

This thing with Elliot was really messing with head.

She let out a sigh and quieted her voice. "Listen…it's just been a long day. I probably shouldn't have come over here in the first place."

Brian pressed his lips together, and she could tell that he was trying to calm down.

"I'm just going to help you clean up this mess and then I'm going to go."

"Just take a minute. I'll take a minute. We'll be fine." Brian said. "Don't go." He hustled into the kitchen and came back with the garbage can and some towels. He leaned over and started picking up glass. Olivia tried to help, but he shooed her away. "I got this." He said.

Olivia looked on, feeling guilty about the course of events this evening. "I'm sorry." She said. Brian didn't answer her…and he didn't look at her. He finished cleaning up the glass and started mopping up the wine. "I'm sorry."

Brian looked up at her. "We had to have our first fight sometime." He grinned at her, and she knew it was over. He didn't hold a grudge, and she knew he was trying to salvage the night.

She just didn't know if she had it in her.

Brian walked back into the kitchen with the garbage can and the wine-soaked rags. Olivia felt her phone buzz, and she pulled it out of her pocket. She saw the message was from Elliot. She hesitated…her finger hovering over the message button. She lost the fight with herself and opened the message.

"Thank you for today. And thank you for the gift of tomorrow."

Olivia felt tears well up, and she wondered when in the hell Elliot Stabler had gotten in touch with his emotions. AND when he'd learned to put them into words.

Brian walked back into the room. "Everything okay?" He asked.

Olivia knew he had to see the glaze in her eyes. She pressed her lips together and stared at him as he looked at her. "I'm sorry Bri…I have to go."

She didn't give him a chance to reply…she barely registered the look on his face. She moved past him, touching his arm as she passed, and let herself out the door.


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia hesitated for a moment when she reached the doors that led outside Brian's apartment. She hadn't really thought through the implications of leaving…now that she didn't have any backup. She dug into her purse, feeling for the reassurance that came with the cold, hard surface of her gun. With her hand wrapped around it, she looked out the glass doorway. It was still early, and there were plenty of people on the street. Olivia pushed through the door and out onto the sidewalk and saw two cabs pass by. She stepped off the curb and raised an arm, somewhat relieved when another cab slowed down and eventually stopped.

The ride to her apartment took less than 20 minutes in early Sunday evening traffic, but Brian had called three times during the ride. Olivia had muted his call each time and ignored the voicemails. As she paid the driver, Olivia looked around. She knew that if White was lurking, he wasn't going to be in plain sight, but she had to be as diligent as she could. She exited quickly, keys in hand, and darted to the door of her building. As luck would have it, a man she recognized from her building was unlocking the door, and she said hi and smiled as she slipped inside the building behind him.

Olivia followed him up the stairs, until he exited on the third floor. She climbed to the fourth floor, and her phone started ringing as she got close to her apartment door. She stuck the key in the lock and answered the call angrily. "Christ Brian…" She snapped.

"Why didn't you answer the goddamned phone?" He yelled, interrupting her. "Where the hell are you?" He didn't even give her a chance to answer. "I chased after you when I realized you were leaving alone, but you were already gone. What were you thinking?"

"Stop yelling at me!" Olivia said forcefully as she closed the door behind her and bolted it. "I'm in my apartment…" She dumped her bag and her keys on the kitchen counter. She came out of the kitchen and turned to go into the living room, intent on pulling the blinds against the setting sun. "I'm perfectly…" Olivia stopped cold…frozen in place.

"What?" Brian asked. "What's going on? Liv?"

Olivia's breath rushed out of her body as she saw the vase of flowers sitting on her coffee table. She couldn't take her eyes off it. It's very existence defied logic. But there it was.

The bouquet was large…expensive…and she found herself hoping it was from Brian. Or maybe even or Elliot…

But she knew better.

Olivia's mouth was dry, and her heart rate soared as she tore her eyes from the arrangement and scanned the rest of the room. She backed up, never taking her eyes off the room. She looked over at her bedroom door, trying to remember if she had closed it before she left…because it was closed now.

"Olivia! Say something!" Brian was yelling into the phone now.

"White." Olivia whispered into the phone as she fumbled in her purse for her gun.

"Get out of your apartment. Now!" Brian said. "I'm calling 911!"

Olivia wrapped her hand around her gun and slid her phone into her pocket. She remained quiet, listening for the smallest of sounds. But she knew Brian was right…she had to get out of the apartment…she had to make her way downstairs…outside…where there were other people. At least until backup arrived.

She'd seen White's handiwork. She wasn't going to be brave…and stupid.

Olivia unlocked the door and bolted out of the apartment, taking the steps two at a time. By the time she reached the lobby, two squad cars were already roaring up, lights flashing and sirens blaring. Four officers came rushing out, guns drawn, and Olivia let them in. She gave them her apartment number, and one of the uniforms stayed with her while the others went upstairs.

Five minutes later, the officer standing next to her received an all clear on his radio, and he escorted Olivia upstairs. The flowers were still there, and Olivia reached for the card. But she stopped, knowing they'd want to dust for fingerprints.

She found herself wanting to examine her apartment. She wanted to make sure White hadn't left any surprises, but she had to hold on until Cragen arrived. She was losing patience, even though it had only been a few minutes, when she got another call from Brian. Olivia knew she had to answer it.

"I'm fine." She said right away. "The cops are here. They said Cragen is on his way."

"God Liv. You scared the living shit out of me." Brian said. "Why did you go storming out of here like that? I know we were fighting, but what were you thinking?"

Olivia turned away from the officers and lowered her voice so that hopefully they couldn't hear. "I don't need this right now." She said. "My apartment has been broken into it, and I have a crazy man tracking me down…"

"That's exactly my point. You shouldn't have left…"

Olivia had heard enough. She was well aware of the stupidity of leaving Brian's, and she didn't need a lecture from him. She hung up the phone.

Minutes later, Cragen and Amaro came charging into her apartment. Before they closed the door, Olivia could see a few curious onlookers outside her door, and a uniformed officer was pushing them back.

Cragen asked her if she was okay, and even after she said she was, Nick kept looking at her as if he didn't believe her.

"I thought you told me you were staying put tonight." Cragen said.

Olivia saw the look of disapproval on his face.

"I told you that I didn't want to dismiss your detail…"

"I know." Olivia rushed to answer. "I intended to stay, but…" She pressed her lips together, trying to think of what to say. She gave up. "I should have stayed or called with the change in plans, but it was still early and there were lots of people out and I had my gun…"

"This guy is dangerous Liv." Nick started in.

Olivia wanted to tell Nick that she understood that. That he didn't know one thing about Richard White. Elliot and Brian had been there then…but Nick hadn't. But she stayed quiet. He was just being protective, and she knew his lecture came from a place of concern.

"He could have been here. In the apartment…" Nick continued.

Luckily, Cragen intervened. "Enough." He said. He turned his attention back to Olivia. "Did you touch anything?"

Olivia shook her head and told him she hadn't. Then she heard Cragen barking orders at the techs that had entered the apartment. One of the techs plucked the note that was nestled in the bouquet with his gloved hand and opened it up. Olivia felt a moment of panic that maybe it _was_ a note from Elliot, and some deep, dark secret was about to be revealed.

"What does it say?" Cragen asked.

" _Do you think you could hide from me forever_?" The tech repeated what was written on the card. He looked up at Olivia. "And then it says _Soon_."

"What the fuck?"

Olivia recognized the gravelly voice. She turned quickly and saw Brian in the doorway.

"That sick bastard is still coming after you. Why can't we track this guy down?" He ranted as he walked into the room.

"Cassidy?" Nick asked, and Olivia could see his confusion.

"Brian…" Olivia said, reaching out and putting her hand on his arm in an attempt to stop his raging as he neared her.

"You know him?" Nick asked, furrowing his brows.

"Yeah, we know each other." Olivia answered. She realized Nick must know Brian from his stint in Narcotics, and she could tell already that there was no love lost between them. This was making a complicated situation even more difficult than it needed to be.

"Brian used to work in SVU." Cragen offered.

Olivia could see that Nick was still confused but she tried to deflect the conversation. "Can we please focus on the note and White?"

"He was here? In your apartment?" Brian asked. "You shouldn't have left my apartment by yourself…"

Olivia's attention had been directed at Brian, but now she looked quickly at Nick. He was a detective, and it wasn't going to be hard for him to put the pieces together. She didn't know why she cared; truthfully, she didn't care what he thought. She just didn't need the conflict at this moment.

"You two are dating?" Nick asked. "You're sleeping with _Cassidy_?"

"Let's focus." Cragen said to Nick. He turned to Brian. "And I think she knows she shouldn't have gone off by herself. But it doesn't matter. White wasn't tailing her. He was here."

Olivia appreciated Cragen's deflection, because she knew he was probably most angry of all. There was no doubt she'd get an earful later.

She gave Nick a look that told him to drop it. She could see the argument on his lips as he looked between her and Brian, but then he gritted his jaw, and she knew he would also save it for later.

"We don't know he was the one that broke in." Nick said. "He could have had someone else do it while he was stalking her."

"Would you guys quit talking about me like I'm not in the room?" Olivia said in a frustrated tone. This entire scene was surreal.

Brian ignored her comment. "White is definitely stalking her. So, now what?" Brian asked. "Is she going to some kind of safe house? This guy is nuts."

"White's right. I can't hide forever." Olivia said forcefully, talking over the din of Nick's and Brian's voices. "I'm _not_ going to a safe house. We have to force his hand. Force him to make his move."

"With you as the bait?"

All four of them turned towards the door, and Olivia saw Elliot standing in the doorway. She almost groaned out loud…this was absolutely the last thing she needed.

"Right?" Elliot asked as he walked into the apartment towards them. All of his attention was focused on Olivia. "You're going to dangle yourself as bait?"

"Stabler?" Brian asked, looking at Elliot and then back at Olivia. "What the hell is he doing here?" He stared at Olivia. "I thought you weren't in touch with this asshole."

"Who are you calling an asshole?" Elliot couldn't believe Brian Cassidy was standing next to Olivia. He hadn't noticed him at first as all his attention had been on Olivia…making sure she was in one piece. When Cragen had called him to warn him about a new threat, he hadn't been able to get out of his apartment fast enough. He had to make sure she was ok…he had to see her for himself. He saw Brian take a step closer to her. It dawned on him then as he saw the possessive move. His eyes darted from Cassidy's to Olivia's. " _This_ is who you're dating?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, we're dating." Cassidy said. "And it's none of your business."

Elliot ignored Cassidy, and kept his attention focused on Olivia. "I thought you'd been there…done that. Didn't you kick him to the curb years ago?"

"Fuck off Stabler." Cassidy said, taking a step closer to Elliot. "At least I didn't lead her on for years and then leave her."

Olivia tensed up…knowing Elliot wouldn't take shit from Cassidy…wouldn't back down. She knew she needed to say something, but she was frozen as the insults flew between them.

"You're both assholes." Amaro said, trying to insert himself between them.

Olivia was horrified as the scene played out in front of her…with all the techs and uniforms in the room. She grabbed Brian's arm and pulled him backwards. Then she slid in front of him and placed a hand on Elliot's chest. "Stop it!" She glared at Nick, and he took a few steps backwards.

Cragen's voice boomed out. "Can we please focus on Richard White and how he broke into this apartment?" He looked at the lead tech and pointed a finger at him. "I want you to explore every inch of this apartment…find every camera in the area…examine every image…until you figure how the hell Richard White got into a secure building and a locked apartment."

Olivia saw people hurrying to comply, now that the drama was over. She was so thankful that he had taken charge once again…that he was focused on the situation at hand and wasn't going to let things escalate.

Cragen focused his attention on her. "You…" He nodded his head towards her. "are going to a hotel tonight. And I don't want an argument."

Olivia wasn't about to argue; she knew there was no point. She nodded.

"When the crew is done with the initial sweep, you need to pack a few things. Plan on being away for at least a few days."

"Captain. She can stay with me." Brian said. "I've got some time coming. I can cover it."

"Yeah, that worked out well. Weren't you supposed to stay with her tonight?" Nick said. "And you managed to fuck that up." He looked at Cragen. "If anyone's got her back, it should be me. I'm her partner."

Elliot tried to keep his mouth shut, but he hated seeing these two clowns trying to pretend like they could protect her. "I know White. I know what he's capable of." Elliot said. He looked over at Amaro. "And I was watching her back before you even hit puberty." He knew that wasn't true…but he needed to put this kid in his place.

"Knock it off. All of you." Cragen said. He looked from Nick to Elliot to Brian, and then his eyes landed on Olivia. "I'm going to take her myself." He jerked his head towards the bedroom. "Go. Pack."

Olivia hesitated. She wasn't sure if she felt comfortable leaving the room with the three of them still there. She could feel the tension rolling off all of them…so much goddamned testosterone.

"Go." Cragen repeated.

Olivia let out a huff as she walked towards her room. There was a part of her that was happy she hadn't been forced to choose. Either way, it was going to be an ugly situation…an impossible choice.

Who would she choose?

Her partner?

Her lover?

Or…or…

Elliot?

She didn't even know how to categorize him.

At one time, she would have called him her partner and her friend…and in the deepest recesses of her heart…the love of her life.

Now…she didn't know.

Olivia got the okay to pack a few things. She was angry as she shoved things into her bag. Angry at White for disrupting her life so completely. Angry about the situation she found herself in tonight…and angry about her role in it.

When she was packed, she sat down hard on the edge of the bed.

Somehow, this had to end. She had to get White to make a move.

And when he did, she would end him.

Olivia stood up and grabbed her black duffle bag. As she walked to the door, she saw Nick, Brian and Elliot all standing in nearly the same spot she had left them. They were all standing with some ridiculous swagger…chests puffed out…spines straightened as they tried to stare each other down.

They were all trying to protect her. She knew that. And she knew that each of the men standing in that room would certainly die to protect her. Just as she would for them.

It was for those reasons that White wasn't going to make a move with these three around, or with a protective detail following her 24/7.

She had to come up with a plan.

And then, when this ordeal was over, and White was locked back in his cell, she could sort out her feelings and figure out what the future held.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: For the guest that left a review and said it was their birthday, and they'd like nothing more than an update, here you go! I hope you enjoy! I really appreciate all the reviews, but just know that if you leave a guest review, I can't comment or answer your questions. So, sign in if you want an answer on something! Thanks- EOROCKS

EOEOEOEOEO

When Olivia walked back into the living room of her apartment, it was clear that the three men had continued arguing while she had been packing. They were quiet now, but they had that guilty look on their faces…as if they had been caught doing something wrong.

Olivia's eyes flicked over to Cragen. He was near the door to the apartment, deep in conversation with a man she didn't recognize, so the guys must have been talking in muted tones or Cragen would be referring. Most likely with a really annoyed look on his face.

She wanted to avoid all three of them, but Elliot broke away from the crowd and grabbed her bag from her. She almost resented the chivalrous gesture; they're relationship had never been like that. But he had her bag in hand and headed towards the door without a word. He was clearly trying to establish himself as the alpha male, and she glanced over to see how Nick and Brian were handling it. Neither one of them was looking at her…they were just glaring at Elliot.

Cragen turned as Elliot approached and he said something Olivia couldn't hear. Elliot looked back at her, and then dropped her bag on the floor at Cragen's feet. She could see the set of his jaw…and she could tell that he was angry, but that he was trying to contain it. She watched as he leaned in and said something to Cragen, and then he walked out the door.

"Liv." Brian walked over to where she was standing. "You okay?"

"No. I'm not okay." There was nothing about this entire situation that was okay. She just wanted to do her job, and all of _this_ was getting in the way.

"Yeah, well." Brian looked towards the door, where Elliot had disappeared just seconds before. "Maybe you shouldn't be hanging around with Stabler again. He's a hothead, just like I …"

Olivia interrupted him. "I don't need this…" She said as she tried to push her way past him. She couldn't believe he was bringing this up right now.

Brian wrapped his hand around her arm to stop her in her tracks. "Is that why…" He leaned in slightly. "Earlier…on the couch…" He glanced towards the door again and dropped his voice. "Are you sleeping with _Stabler_?"

Olivia wrenched her arm from his grasp. "I don't _believe_ you right now." She said angrily. "I'm leaving." Brian's kid-like charm was great sometimes, but it was times like this that it became a problem. The sad thing was, he didn't even seem to understand that this was neither the time or the place to have this discussion. The accusation was another thing altogether. " _Don't_ follow me."

Olivia left him quickly before he could say anything else and walked past Cragen. "I'll meet you out in the hallway." She threw the comment at him without stopping. She knew there were uniforms out in the hallway and Cragen didn't have to tell her not to take off. She glanced back one more time and saw Brian looking dejected. _Good. Maybe he knows what an ass he's being._ Her eyes darted over to Nick. He was standing there staring at her with a look that said he didn't know what to do with this situation. She almost felt bad for him. He didn't have the benefit of history here: Elliot, Brian or White. She knew he just wanted to help and she made a mental note to call him later, when she got settled, and talk to him.

"Liv."

Olivia looked up and saw Elliot standing out in the hallway. With the angry look on his face as he'd left the apartment, she had assumed Cragen had told him to take off. She signed inwardly…wishing he had. Her eyes swept the hallway, happy so see the hallway had been cleared.

"What was all that?" She waved in the general direction of her apartment.

"You and Cassidy?" Elliot asked, completely ignoring her question. He could barely believe it when he had walked in to her apartment and saw him there. The way he stood just a little too close…had his hand on her arm. She had slept with him once, early in her career, and had clearly not wanted to get involved with him. So, what happened that brought them back together? "That's the great relationship you're in?"

"Oh my God." Olivia said in disbelief. "I'm not going to talk to you about this." She turned away from him, looking for an escape.

"He doesn't deserve you."

Elliot watched as Olivia stopped in her tracks. He knew he was throwing her off with the things he was saying. Their history dictated that they didn't share any real feelings…anything close to the truth. But he had been honest with her during their conversation at the precinct, and she had said things he hadn't expected to hear from her. He had hoped this ws their new reality, but he guess old habits were hard to break. She wasn't expecting to hear these types of things from him.

Olivia turned back towards him. She narrowed her eyes slightly, and he knew some acerbic comment was coming.

"You jealous?" Olivia asked in a deep voice. She cocked her head to the side and stared at him. There was a challenge in her eyes.

Elliot wanted to smile. Olivia didn't disappoint, and he knew she didn't expect him to answer. "As of matter of fact…yes." He watched Olivia's face as the small smirk on her face morphed into something else. He had surprised her, and she didn't know what to do with it.

Elliot swore under his breath as Cragen walked out into the hallway.

"Let's go." Cragen said as he walked up to where Olivia was standing. His tone indicated that it wasn't really a question. Elliot saw the look he threw his way…wondering why Elliot was still here when he had clearly directed him to leave.

He didn't work for Cragen anymore…so he hadn't felt the need to comply. He was about to ask Cragen to give them a minute, when Amaro walked out of the apartment. Elliot knew his conversation with Olivia was over.

"Cap'n." Amaro said. "There's something in here you need to see." He turned around and walked back into the apartment.

Olivia started towards the apartment door, but Cragen held up a hand. "Stay here."

Elliot had heard the concern in Amaro's voice, and he wondered what they had found. He was on Cragen's heels…a feeling of dread forming in his stomach. They trailed through the apartment and into Olivia's bedroom…and he heard people talking in what must be the bathroom.

When Elliot entered the small room, Cragen, Cassidy and Amaro were already there. The bathtub was full, two candles were lit on the side of the tub and the room smelled of lavender. It looked like an almost idyllic scene, except for the bloody knife lying on the side of the tub and the blood speckled bubbles dissipating in the tub.

"Fuck." Elliot swore under his breath. Less than a minute assessing the scene before them, and they all understood the implication. White couldn't have left much before Olivia arrived home. The bubbles would have been long gone, and the candles would have been burned down farther if there had been more of a gap in time.

"Don't let Olivia see this." Cragen said, but it was too late. Olivia had just rounded the corner, and Elliot heard the gasp of surprise as she saw the scene. He watched as her eyes landed on the knife.

"Is there…" Her voiced was ragged. "Someone in there?"

Elliot realized she couldn't see in the tub very well from where she was standing, the half-drawn shower curtain also created a barrier. "No!" he said quickly, moving towards her. He placed his hands on her shoulder, trying to gently push her out of the room. But she wasn't having any of it.

"Whose blood…?" She twisted out of his grasp and moved around him. Her eyes moved from the knife to Cragen's.

Olivia was mortified…worried that the blood in her bathroom was human. She couldn't bear the thought that someone else might have suffered…or died…as part of White's sick game.

"We don't know." Cragen said as Olivia stood with a stricken look on her face. "For all we know, it could be his blood."

"For all we know, it could be someone else's." Olivia said angrily. She turned suddenly…feeling a need to get out of this room…out of this apartment…and to find White. "This has to end." She said darkly as she pushed past Elliot. She tore out of her apartment and charged down the stairs, her heart pumping with adrenaline. She raced across the foyer and towards the door, but she stopped as she braced her hands against the metal bar that ran the width of the door. Uniformed cops were milling around on the sidewalk, and squad cars were parked haphazardly in the street.

Olivia heard footsteps pounding down the stairs and she wondered if it was Elliot, Brian or Nick.

"Cragen was worried you'd taken off."

 _Nick._

"There's an army of cops out here. Where am I supposed to go?"

"Liv." Nick said. "We're going to get this guy." He touched her elbow lightly, but she still didn't turn to look at him.

Olivia pictured White's face…his leer…that smug look on his face. She felt rage boil up inside of her. "No." Olivia said sharply. "He wants _me_." She couldn't bear the thought that anyone else would get hurt trying to protect her. " _I'm_ going to take this guy down."

"Cragen's not going to let you take this guy on yourself." Nick said. "And neither am I."

Olivia heard the elevator chime, and she knew that she only had moments before Cragen and the others poured out in the foyer.

"I know White…you don't."

She pushed on the bar hard, releasing the lock on the door, and rushed out onto the sidewalk. She turned the corner quickly, and ran into two big, burly guys in suits. She literally bounced off one of them, and stumbled backwards, regaining her footing just seconds before Cragen, Elliot and the others walked up behind her.

"Detective Benson?" The taller man addressed her. "Special Agent Fuller." He flashed his FBI badge quickly before sliding it back in his pocket.

"I'm Captain Cragen." He extended his hand, but the FBI agent ignored it.

"We just received a report that White has been spotted in the area."

None of them was surprised to hear there had been a sighting. White's mug shot had been plastered on the news off and on for the past several days.

"How long ago?" Cragen asked.

"Within the last hour."

Elliot took a few steps closer to Olivia without even thinking about, and he could see the others looking around. Of course, it was idiotic to think that White would possibly attack Olivia when she was completely surrounded by police…and now the FBI. Which is probably why Olivia's attention was focused on the man standing in front of her.

Cragen stepped up and told Agent Fuller everything they had found in Olivia's apartment, and Fuller sent a few agents upstairs to assist the NYPD techs. It was pretty clear that the FBI didn't trust the NYPD not to fuck things up. Cragen didn't object, but he clearly wanted to keep things in the hands of the NYPD. "We're headed back to the precinct now. We need to figure out next steps." He motioned to the sedan off to their right. "Olivia. Let's go." He looked at Amaro. "You guys…meet us at the station."

Olivia ducked into the back seat of the sedan, and Cragen slid in next to her. Olivia's mind was going, trying to think of a good way to lure White and capture him with minimal collateral damage. She needed to get away from Cragen and Nick…hell…all the guys.

"I know what you're thinking right now." Cragen started in. "And I need you to stop."

Olivia didn't answer him.

"You're not taking this guy down on your own."

Olivia cursed under her breath; Cragen knew her too well. "I'm not hiding out." Olivia said vehemently. "This has to end. And it's not going to work if he can't get to me."

Cragen's jaw was clenched, and Olivia knew he was angry because what she said was true.

"You're the one that told me we don't get to pick the vic." She remembered repeating those very words back to him the first time he had tried to pull her off the White case. "If we're going to catch him, you're going to need to use me as bait."

"I don't like it." Cragen said.

"You know it's the only way." Olivia pressed on.

Cragen sighed heavily. "Let's get back to the station, regroup and figure this out." He looked back over at Olivia. "But for the record, I don't like it."

EOEOEOEO

Elliot, Cassidy and Amaro all stood on the sidewalk as the unmarked sedan pulled away from the curb.

"Olivia wants to take this guy on herself." Amaro said. "I'm worried that she's going to do something stupid."

"She knows better than that." Cassidy said.

Elliot let out a huff. "You're basing that on what?" he said with disdain. "You don't know her like I do."

"In Olivia's mind, White is after her…so it's her problem." Nick said, agreeing with Elliot. "She's a good cop, but…"

"Cragen won't let her take off by herself." Cassidy said.

Elliot shook his head. "You're not listening to us." He wanted to smack the smug look of Cassidy's face. One, for thinking he could possibly know Olivia better than he did, and two, because the bastard had something he desperately wanted. He clenched his jaw and looked away from Cassidy, and over to Amaro. "It means that all three of us have to work together to keep an eye on Olivia…to make sure she doesn't put herself at risk."

They all nodded in agreement.

"Cragen's expecting us back at the precinct." Amaro said. "Hopefully we can figure something out that will make everyone happy."

They all separated then, and Elliot headed down the block. By the time he had arrived, the cops had been all over the place, and he'd had to park down a few blocks and around the corner. He had been in such a hurry, the location had barely registered, and he kept looking down the street with each block he passed. He finally saw a white panel van, remembering it as the vehicle he had parked next to. It had the name of some party place on the side…he remembered the artwork of a cake and balloons as he had climbed out.

Elliot pulled his keys out of his pocket, but as he rounded the end of the van, he saw a flash of color out of the corner of his eye, and then a something was swinging towards him. He let out an oomph as it connected with his mid-section, and he belatedly realized it was a wooden baseball bat as he fell to the ground. He fell backwards, banging his head on the bumper of the van as he went down, and he hit the pavement hard. He gasped for breath as his hands went to his ribs…and then his stomach. But seconds later, a face he'd never forget loomed in front of him.

His voice was deep…filled with rage. "You think you can keep her away from me, but you can't." He spat out at Elliot. "She and I…we have some unfinished business." He sneered at Elliot. "And I'm not going to let you get in the way of that."

White stood up halfway, and the next thing Elliot saw was White's arm, thrusting towards him with a knife. Elliot raised his arm in defense and felt the hot white heat of the blade as it sliced into his forearm.

"Hey!"

Elliot heard someone yelling, and then footsteps on the pavement. White was distracted, and Elliot lifted his leg and tried to kick White in the balls. But he miscalculated and ended up kicking him ineffectually in the leg.

"Tell her…she owes me." White spit out.

And then he was gone.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Things are starting to get real now. I know that some people that read my stories may have had traumatic incidents themselves. So, I want to give a warning that in the last part of this story, there is some violence. I try not to go too far, but everyone has different tolerances. Please take care and don't read that part if it's going to be too difficult for you. Always take care. Thanks.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia shifted in her seat, barely listening as Cragen, the DOC and Agent Fuller argued about jurisdiction and tactics for capturing White. The suit from Corrections was arguing that the longer White was out, the more likely he was going to disappear. Cragen was trying to point out the fact that White showed no sign of leaving town, as evidenced by his recent visit to Olivia's apartment. The FBI was just trying to throw their weight around, trying to take over the search efforts…confident in their ability to get White back in prison where he belonged before he fled the state and wreaked more havoc.

Olivia saw Brian and Amaro exchanging looks between themselves and stealing surreptitious looks at her. She idly wondered where Elliot was; she had expected him to show up at the precinct, but they had been there for almost an hour now and there was no sign of him. Her cellphone was in her pocket, and she hadn't felt it vibrate to indicate a message, but she had also been distracted. She slipped it out of her pocket and looked at it.

No messages.

Olivia couldn't imagine where he'd gone.

She let out a small sigh, frustrated with herself. Elliot had been back in her life for just a few days, and now she was counting on him to be there. _Damn it_.

"Are we boring you Detective?"

Olivia turned towards Agent Fuller, realizing her sigh must have been louder than realized. But frankly, she was tired of all these men thinking they could solve this issue. "What makes you think you're going to find White if you haven't found him by now?" She asked. She pushed her chair out and stood up. "White has a grudge against _me_. He wants to confront _me_." She walked towards the window and looked out at the city below. "He's out there…waiting for his opportunity." She turned back to the group settled around the table. "As long as you keep me under lock and key, he's going to bide his time." Olivia saw Brian was about to say something, but she cut him off. "He's not an idiot. But he is driven by his need to control…his need to get what he wants." She pressed her lips together. "And right now, he thinks he has unfinished business with me."

Olivia didn't wait for a reply. She walked towards the door of the conference room and let herself out before anyone could stop her. She was tired of all the hiding and the constant shadow of her protective detail. She wanted…needed…this to end.

As she walked into the squad room, she found herself looking for Elliot, and it pissed her off even more.

"Everything okay?" Fin asked.

"No." Olivia said. She was tired of people asking her that, and she was tired of answering. She headed towards the doorway, leading out to the elevators, when she heard Cragen's voice.

"Olivia."

She almost didn't stop…had fleeting thoughts of escaping…actually wondering who Cragen would send to chase her down. But something in his voice made her stop and turn.

"What? What's happened?" There was a softness in his voice that scared the shit out of her.

"Just got a call from the 2-2…"

Cragen winced slightly, and Olivia prepared for the blow she knew was coming. "Elliot…" She whispered as the pieces of the puzzle clicked into place. "Is he…?"

The question lingered there, and Olivia felt herself starting to tremble involuntarily. She felt hot and clammy and her legs felt weak, and she wondered if she was going to pass out. But then Cragen was shaking his head "no" and Munch was at her side, wrapping his arm around hers.

"He's conscious…stable. They took him to Mercy. The Detectives are there, taking his statement."

As Cragen walked towards her, Olivia noticed that the other people in the conference room were pouring out behind him, standing in a loose group as Cragen spoke.

"Was it White?" Olivia asked, already knowing the answer. She looked at Munch. "I have to get to the hospital."

Brian stepped forward. "I'll take you."

The Deputy Commissioner from the DOC and Agent Fuller separated from the crowd as they walked towards her.

Agent Fuller spoke first. "We need to talk to this Stabler guy. We'll give her a ride."

Olivia looked over at Cragen and he gave her a slight nod. "John…you go with them." He turned to Cassidy. "You stay here."

Olivia wondered if Brian was going to argue, seeing as he didn't report to Cragen. But she saw the resigned look on his face, and she knew he would stay put. Which was good. She didn't want him or Nick there. It was just too much.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia was quiet on the ride to the hospital, and she was thankful that everyone else in the SUV was as well. She wondered how badly Elliot was hurt, and she felt a tremendous amount of guilt about the entire thing. Even though both she and Elliot had been a part of the White investigation, it was pretty evident that right now, Elliot wasn't his main focus. He was collateral damage…a means to get back at her. To show her what he was capable of.

Unfortunately, she was more that aware of what he was capable of. He had raped and murdered the women in his life that had crossed him, and she assumed that was his main goal. He wanted to humiliate her…to show her who was in control…and then, in a final act of revenge for perceived wrongs, he would kill her.

The thought of confronting him terrified her to some degree. She was older and wiser than she was 13 years ago, and she knew that sometimes, she had been careless and overconfident in the past. The incident with Harris was evident of that.

But she also knew that at her core, that's who she was. She took on dangerous men to protect others…to avenge her mother's rapist…and for many other reasons that she'd come to terms with during hours of therapy.

She hadn't been offering false bravado when she had told everyone on the conference room that they had to bring this to a head, and that she had to be at the center of it. The bait.

She reached down and placed her hand on her gun, holstered reassuringly on her hip. She wondered… if she came in contact with White, would she be content with arresting him and letting due process take its course? Or would her anger win out? Would she put a bullet in his heart?

She couldn't answer that question, and it bothered the detective part of her brain, the part that had sworn to uphold the law.

But the part that imagined Elliot, hurt and bleeding in the hospital…the part that imagined her friend crawling through the park on her hands and knees, begging for her life…that part of her wanted him dead.

The car had pulled up in the emergency area of the hospital, and they all exited the car and rushed into the building. Olivia spoke to the duty nurse, and she agreed to let one of them back to see Elliot, noting there were already people with them.

They all agreed Olivia should go and send the detectives back out to talk to Fuller and the DOC guy, Schuster. Olivia followed the nurse until she stopped and pointed to a curtained off area.

Olivia paused, taking a deep breath to prepare herself for whatever lie ahead. It only took about ten more steps before she reached the curtain, and she hesitated for a moment. Then she pulled it back slightly to slip inside. She stopped before she could even close it behind her…shocked to see Kathy standing on the other side of the bed with her hand on Elliot's arm.

Her eyes darted over to Elliot, and she felt the tension coiled inside of her loosen as he looked at her. He was sitting propped up in bed, and he wasn't wearing a shirt. White bandages were wrapped tightly around the middle of his torso. He was holding his right arm awkwardly, and bandages were covering the lower portion.

"Olivia."

Olivia's eyes shot back to Kathy, wondering why she was so surprised to see her there. Of course, she would be there. Even if she and Elliot were divorced, she had been his wife for more than two decades. She was probably still his emergency contact.

Olivia found she didn't know what to say. She wanted to ask Elliot what had happened, and find out about his injuries, but having Kathy there had thrown her off. She felt as if she was being intrusive. Which was immediately confirmed by the look of confusion on Kathy's face.

"I didn't think you and Elliot…" Kathy started as she looked at Olivia and then back at Elliot. "I didn't know you were in contact." She said, obviously feeling awkward as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

"We're not…I mean…" Olivia didn't know what she meant. Suddenly, she was thrust back into the role of being the partner of a married man. The feelings of guilt…the whispers of a rumored affair…the suspicions of his wife.

Elliot looked directly into Olivia's eyes, as if he knew exactly what she was feeling. "We've been in touch recently." He said quickly, and he looked back at Kathy. "After Cragen called me about White."

Olivia saw a small "oh" form in her mouth, but she didn't vocalize it. She just nodded and then gave Olivia a small, strained smile.

"I'm fine." Elliot offered up, and he saw Olivia turn her attention back to him. He knew she must be wondering what in the hell happened, because he knew he'd want to know the same thing.

"You don't look fine."

Elliot explained how White had broken a couple of ribs with a baseball bat and sliced his arm with a knife as he put his arm up in defense. "Ten stitches." He lifted his arm slightly, as if to show her, even though it was covered in bandages.

"Thank goodness someone saw what was going on and this White guy took off." Kathy said. "He could have killed you."

"I don't think he wanted to kill me." Elliot said, his eyes never leaving Olivia's. He remembered White's warning…his words for Olivia. "He's a dangerous man."

"We already knew that." Olivia said. Elliot's gaze was burning into her…and it was as if they were the only two in the room.

"He wants to hurt you." Elliot said in a hoarse voice. The thought of White attacking her was more than he could bear. He'd seen the crime scenes of his other victims. "And he's losing patience."

Olivia only nodded. A man like that…when he got impatient or cornered…would be more reckless. "He's going to make a move soon."

"Why did he go after you if he's after Olivia?" Kathy asked. "You two don't even talk anymore. There's no reason…"

"We have history." Elliot said, cutting her off. "We both worked the case." He knew Kathy didn't remember everything about every case he had worked, but she had remembered it vaguely when he had spoken to her after receiving the note at their house in Queens. At the time, she'd had to take the kids and go to her sisters…

"I didn't mean…I mean I don't want to him to go after you Olivia."

"I know that." Olivia said quickly. She knew that she didn't wish her any ill well, but she knew Kathy was angry that Elliot had gotten caught up in all of this. Probably because Elliot had hung up his shield, and she had thought she didn't need to worry about Eli growing up without a father ever again. Olivia thought Kathy was probably also upset because Olivia had come back into the picture…and in a way…it was her fault Elliot was dragged back into this.

Even though Elliot and Kathy were divorced, Olivia always thought that Kathy probably blamed at least a part of that on her…and probably always wondered about the two of them…despite the fact that they'd never had an affair.

At least…not in a physical sense.

"I should go." Olivia said, starting to back away from the bed.

"You don't have to…" Elliot started.

"No. I really should. I…" Olivia made a vague gesture outside towards the hallway, as if she had some pressing business.

"Are you here by yourself?" Elliot asked. He knew it was a stupid question because Cragen would never allow that.

Olivia shook her head as she took a few steps backwards.

"Don't go." Elliot said. "I want to talk about this. About White." He didn't feel comfortable with her leaving. He wanted to talk about where she was going and who was on the case. He wanted to hear what the plans were, and if she had convinced them to use her as some kind of bait. He wanted to be there…be the one to protect her…to keep White the hell way from her.

If something happened to Olivia…

Olivia looked over at Kathy, and she couldn't help but notice the way Kathy kept her hand on Elliot's left arm. The small, possessive gesture made her wonder what the hell she'd been thinking about.

She had been right to keep Elliot at arm's length…to tell herself she had moved on.

He clearly hadn't. And despite his declaration of love…he was still attached to his wife.

Kathy would never be his ex. They had too much history. Five kids. Over twenty years together…maybe even closer to thirty.

"I can take care of myself Elliot." Olivia said.

Elliot heard the words…but the look in her eyes and the way she said it, was chilling. There was so much in those seven words. A lifetime of taking care of herself…of loss…of relying on no one but herself.

It sounded like a goodbye.

In the next two seconds, she was gone. He tried to propel himself out of bed, but he got tangled in his IV and the sheets, and Kathy anchored him to the bed. "Olivia!" He yelled.

But she was gone.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia could feel tears brimming in her lower lashes and she berated herself as she walked back out into the lobby. She swallowed hard, successfully fighting them off, before she met up with the group of men waiting for her in the lobby. She saw John first, and then saw that Fuller and Schuster were talking to two other men. She assumed they were the detectives from the 2-2. It was good that they were distracted and engrossed in conversation; John was the only one that noticed her arrival.

"How's Elliot?" Munch asked.

"He's okay." Olivia said. "I think he's going to be okay." She nodded slightly, as if reassuring herself.

"Good. It could have been a lot worse."

Olivia realized that John was already well aware of Elliot's condition, and she appreciated the fact that he had asked. But she also realized he was trying to see how she was handling the whole thing. He had witnessed to all the dynamics between them over the years. "You're a good friend John." She rested a hand lightly on his arm, and John placed his hand over hers.

"I'm always here for you Liv." He said quietly, in that unassuming manner that he had.

Olivia felt strangely comforted, but then again, John, Fin and Cragen had always seemed like family to her. "I know. And I appreciate it." She glanced over at the others. "They going over all the details I presume?"

John nodded.

"OK." Olivia let out a sigh. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face and get myself together." She didn't give John a chance to reply. She had been to the emergency room enough times in her career…she knew right where the bathrooms were. She was going to take a few minutes and get her shit together. And then she was going to force everyone back to the precinct, so they could put a plan together to get White…once and for all.

Olivia walked down the hallway, and took a quick left, but she stopped short when she saw the _Closed for Cleaning_ sign blocking the entrance to the women's restroom. She debated going into the men's, but thought it probably wasn't a good idea. She sighed and headed down the hallway, taking a right as she headed towards the other set of public restrooms on the opposite end of the floor.

She pushed the door open and walked over to the sinks. She ran the water but was too impatient to wait for it to turn warm. Olivia leaned over, resting her elbows on the counter as she ran her hands beneath the stream of water. She gasped lightly as she splashed the cold water on her face, but it was kind of refreshing. Just what she needed. Olivia stretched her neck to the right, and then to the left, trying to release the tension that had built up there.

She was going to need a massage when this was all over.

In fact, the way things were going…she was going to need an entire day at the spa.

Olivia straightened up, thinking that maybe she needed a full-blown vacation…when she froze.

There…directly behind her…was Richard White.

Her heart stopped as she stared at his reflection in the mirror…and she swallowed hard at the cold sneer on his face.

"You're a hard person to get to Detective."

His voice was cold…flat.

Olivia considered her options…discarding each one as it entered her mind. Her eyes dropped to his hand when she saw something flash in the light.

A knife.

Her adrenaline was kicking in now, but there was a small pit of fear in her stomach. "The FBI, the DOC and the NYPD are all here." She said, trying to stall and give herself sometime to think.

"And none of them know where you are right now." White said with smug satisfaction.

Olivia knew that wasn't exactly true. John knew where she was, but she also knew he would give her some time to collect herself. Just how long, she didn't know. And then, if he did search for her…

She didn't have that much time.

Olivia remembered the gun on her hip, and she debated if she could get to it quickly enough to turn and get a shot off before White buried his knife in her back.

"I see your mind working right now Olivia." White said, in that annoyingly condescending voice she remembered so well. "You're wondering if you can get your gun and shoot me." He came up behind her quickly then, and Olivia cursed her indecision as he grabbed her gun and jerked it hard out of its holster. She would have stumbled backwards, except White's body was hard up against hers now.

White shifted his knife to his left hand and kept her gun in his right. He pushed her up against the counter, so she was pinned between the bathroom counter and his body. Olivia's eyes were locked with his in the mirror, and she watched as trailed the muzzle of her gun up her arm. He held it loosely at her shoulder, and she saw his eyes drop to her breasts. In the next second, he ground himself against her, and she tried to keep her body from trembling as flashbacks of Harris and the basement assaulted her. She felt frozen…almost incapable of moving…and she tried to calm herself…to clear her mind.

"Olivia…" White said slowly, almost whispering it as a lover would do, as he dragged the gun down over her breasts. He lodged it between them, slipping the muzzle beneath the skin of her blouse. He dragged it down violently, ripping the buttons open and exposing her skin.

Olivia acted then as the reality of what was happening tore into her. She lifted her foot and stomped the heel of her boot into White's foot. White howled as she did it again, and he pulled away from her slightly as she ground her heel into his damaged foot. She took the opportunity to swing her elbow backwards, and although it was an awkward angle, she had caught him off-guard. He took a step backwards and brought the hand with the knife up. But Olivia was faster than he was, and she lunged towards the door.

Olivia had almost reached the handle, when she heard White let out a roar. She felt, rather than saw, him coming after her, and two seconds later, she felt his hand wrap around her ankle. He dragged her down to the ground, and Olivia was momentarily stunned as her head connected with the doorframe. But she twisted on her back and her leg shot out, connecting with White's nose. She heard a satisfying crunch, and a howl erupted from White's lips.

"You're going to pay for that you bitch!"

Olivia felt pain slice into her as White brought the knife down. It tore into her thigh, and she screamed from the hot, searing pain of it. She saw White scrambling to his feet, and she knew he was going to be on top of her in seconds. She couldn't reach the door handle…she couldn't escape…

Olivia tried to focus on White…and ignore the pain in her leg…and the blood from the wound. Her eyes stayed locked on him…and on the hand holding the knife. She realized then that the gun wasn't in his other hand, but she didn't dare look away to see where it had gone. She reached out her right hand, searching for it, but she only felt the cold, hard tile.

White was on his feet, and she watched as he straddled her ankles. His eyes traveled the length of her body. "I'm going to enjoy every second of this." he said coldly. "And so are you."

Olivia saw the opportunity then…White's need to gloat was going to be his downfall. In one swift move, she lifted her left leg and kicked White hard between the legs. She hadn't made a direct hit, but it caught him off guard, and gave her an opportunity kick him again. White howled, clutching his injured crotch, but his anger still fueled him forward. He swung at her with the knife, but Olivia was able to roll. She was able to kick out his leg from beneath him, and that, along with the forward motion as he lunged towards her, made his head connect with the wall.

White was down on the ground, and Olivia scrambled up on her feet. She almost fell again as she clutched at her damaged leg, and she could feel the blood flowing freely through her hand. Olivia didn't wait to see if White was conscious or not. She grabbed the handle of the door and ran out of the bathroom as best as she could, yelling for help. As she made her way towards the emergency unit, she heard footsteps. She didn't slow down…she didn't even look behind her. She was moving slowly because of her injury, and she couldn't afford the time.

"Help!" She yelled. The next thing she saw was a woman in scrubs come reeling around the corner, and then another woman behind her. Olivia fell to the ground, still clutching her leg, as the pain caught up with her. One of the woman was pushing her to lay down, and the last thing Olivia remembered was seeing Munch running down the hall towards her.


	15. Chapter 15

Olivia woke up slowly, feeling as if she were fighting her way through a thick fog. She felt pain, but it was muted, and it took her conscious mind several seconds to awake fully. As the fog dissipated, she realized she was in a hospital bed, and her heart started beating faster. She tried to sit up and the alarm on the monitor next to her bed started to go off.

"Whoa…whoa."

Olivia looked to her left and saw Elliot pushing himself slowly out of a lounge chair next to the bed. She cringed at his movements, knowing he must be in a lot of pain.

"You need to stay put." Elliot said, laying a reassuring hand on her arm.

A nurse came rushing into the room and Elliot turned towards her. "Everything's alright." He said.

The nurse promptly ignored him and starting checking Olivia's vital signs. Olivia watched as Elliot moved away from her, staying on his feet as he watched. When the nurse was done, she tapped some information into the keyboard mounted on a stand in the corner of the room. She looked at Olivia. "What's your pain level, on a scale of 1 to 10?"

Olivia looked back at the nurse. "I don't know." She shook her head. "A 2?" She could feel a dull ache, but she really wouldn't call it painful.

"The doctor will be in shortly to talk to you." She looked over at Elliot and then back at Olivia. "In the meantime, stay in bed and rest. If you need anything, push the red nurse call button." The woman was short and sturdy, and she gave Elliot a look that said _don't mess with me_ as she lifted the controller laying on top of the sheets on Olivia's bed to show her the button. She looked pointedly at Olivia. "Understood?"

Olivia nodded, wondering why she and Elliot were being given such a stern warning. She watched as the woman left the room, and then she looked over at Elliot. "What's going on?" It felt like she had just visited Elliot in a hospital bed, and now she was lying here. She pushed the button to raise the head of the bed a little, wincing at a twinge in her thigh. "Wait…" Suddenly, the images of her run-in with White flooded her memory…the sound of his voice…the sneer…the way he pressed up against her. The way he whispered in her ear and the tone of his voice. Then it was Harris' face she saw, and she felt the panic start to swell. The images continued to assault her, one after another, until she couldn't distinguish between White and Harris.

Olivia heard someone saying her name, and an insistent, beeping sound, but it was all muted…distant. She felt someone's hands on her and she lashed out, hearing a loud grunt as she made contact. She saw the nurse rush in, and she tried to focus on the purple scrubs…the design…tried to slow her breathing but she couldn't quell the panic or erase the images or the feeling of being held down.

Then…everything went gray.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia woke up slowly, feeling worn out and shaky. She tried to lick her lips, but her mouth was dry as a desert. She looked to her right, wincing at a headache low in the base of her skull.

She was in the hospital.

The memories from before popped into her head, but this time, it was the memory of the hospital room, the nurse, of Elliot and of her panic attack. She remembered trying to pull herself out of it, and then consciousness slipping away.

They must have sedated her.

She wondered how long she'd been out.

Olivia looked towards out the window, and saw it was nighttime. The city lights were bright against the dark sky, and it was nearly impossible to tell what time it was. Her eyes scanned the room. Her door was slightly ajar, and the light from the hallway let in enough ambient light to let her see inside her room. Olivia looked to the left and saw a familiar shape. It was Elliot…sprawled out on a lounge chair that was adjacent to her bed. He was slack jawed and breathing slowly, and she knew he was really out. She saw the way his arm lay by his side, the thick white wrapped bandage still covering what she knew was stitches. He was wearing a t-shirt, but she could tell by the way it lay against his body, that his ribs were still wrapped as well.

She shifted in bed, letting out a small cry as pain tore through her right thigh.

"What?" Elliot sat up like a shot, and then he let out a gasp as he grabbed his ribs. He ignored the pain as he climbed out of the chair, shaking his head slightly to clear away the remnants of sleep. "Are you OK?" He got a little closer to her, but he made sure he didn't touch her. He didn't want to startle her like he had before.

"I'm in the hospital." Olivia said. "White…he stabbed me." She remembered it now, and she pushed the blankets off to the side. Her hospital gown was tangled high up on her thighs, and she saw a large white bandage covering a wide are on her upper right thigh. The edges of the bandage, and the skin around it was stained, and she couldn't tell if it was blood or something else.

"Antiseptic." Elliot said. "From surgery."

"I had surgery?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah. The cut was…deep." Elliot said. "They had to repair some of the muscle and he hit some small arteries." He'd been stuck in his own hospital bed when the alarms had sounded, and the hospital had gone on lock down. He had known it was White and panic and dread had taken root as he had climbed out of his own bed with Kathy protesting the entire time. He had made it out to the hallway…nurses and doctors running one direction and security and police running in the other. He'd seen a gurney rush past him and recognized Olivia right away.

There had been so much blood…

"I signed and gave permission." Elliot offered up. "Even though they would have done it anyway." Cragen had been there by then, along with Fin, Cassidy and Amaro. They must have arrived just moments before the shit had hit the fan.

Olivia seemed embarrassed at his comment. "I guess I never changed that in my records." She had completely forgotten Elliot was listed as her emergency contact; it had never come up before.

"That's okay." Elliot said. "I was glad that I was here."

Olivia saw Elliot's eyes stray down to the bandage, and suddenly she felt exposed. She pulled the blankets back over her lap.

Elliot's eyes wandered back up to Olivia's. "They say you'll need a little physical therapy but there probably won't be any permanent damage." He said, trying to reassure her. "You'll probably still be able to kick my ass in a foot race." He said, giving her a big grin.

"I'm not as fast as I used to be." Olivia said. She thought about her indecision in the bathroom. "I should have gone for my gun." She said, not really realizing she had spoken out loud.

"The police want to get your statement, but Cragen told them to come back tomorrow." Elliot said, and he saw Olivia nod.

Olivia sighed. "So, is there a guard on duty outside my room or…?"

Elliot furrowed his brow slightly, confused by her question. "What?" Then he realized his mistake. "White's dead Olivia."

Olivia's breath caught in her throat. "He's dead? Why didn't you tell me that right away?"

"I'm sorry…I just…it's been a crazy couple of hours." Elliot said. "I forgot that you didn't know."

"What happened?"

"Well, the police are waiting for you to fill in the missing pieces, but a nurse heard you screaming for help and she found you on the floor and then another nurse and Munch came onto the scene. Apparently, the FBI guy and someone else were right behind them. They saw the trail of blood from the bathroom and figured it out. White hadn't made it out in time…he was trapped." Elliot paused a second. "He shot himself."

Olivia thought about the scene in the bathroom. "With my gun."

"No one thinks you shot him Olivia." Elliot reassured her. "There were several people that heard the gunshots. The wound was obviously self-inflicted."

"He was going to kill me El." Olivia whispered. "He was going to hurt me…badly…and then he was going to kill me." She felt a shiver run through her body as she envisioned his cold, dead eyes staring at her.

"He can't hurt you now." Elliot said, placing a hand on her arm. "He's gone."

"I won't be able to get that image out of my mind. It's just like Harris. That cold, hard look…their horrible voices…" She stopped then, realizing she had never told Elliot anything about Harris. She looked away then, leaning back against the bed and closing her eyes. "I'm tired."

Elliot didn't press her. "Get some rest." His hand slid from her body and he moved back over towards the chair.

Olivia's eyes popped open. "You don't have to stay here." She said quickly. "You should be home…or wherever." The house in Queens popped into her head. "You need to rest. Kathy must be worried about you."

Elliot shook his head. "Kathy was only here because the hospital called her as my next of kin." Elliot said. "I guess I forgot to change my forms too." He eased himself down onto the chair. "I'm not going anywhere Liv."

"But…" She wasn't sure if she was buying the line about Kathy. She remembered the way Kathy had held on to him, and the downright annoyance in her voice when she found out the two of them had reconnected.

"Just go to sleep Liv." He said firmly. "We're walking out of here together." Elliot lay back and closed his eyes, signaling it was clearly the end of the conversation.

Olivia let out a sigh, realizing how easily they'd fallen back into each other's lives. She'd been happy to see him there when she'd woken up. She had reverted to his nickname, and he had called her Liv despite her insistence that he didn't.

She hadn't corrected him.

Olivia watched as he shifted slightly to get more comfortable. She couldn't imagine waking up to find Brian or Nick asleep in that chair.

She didn't know what to do with that.

She didn't want to feel this way. She didn't want to need Elliot. She didn't want to take comfort in his presence there.

But goddamnit, that was exactly how she felt right now.

She was too tired to fight it.

Olivia closed her eyes and fell into a restless sleep.

EOEOEOEOEO

Morning came quickly, and Olivia was tired. The hospital was the worst place to get any rest, and she just wanted to get home to her apartment and climb into bed. But Brian had been there first in the morning, gushing with concern and shooting dirty looks at Elliot as he stood against the far wall. Olivia didn't even want to ask how conversations between them had gone the night before that had led to Brian leaving and Elliot staying. Nick was next, followed by Cragen and then Munch. She felt like maybe there was some kind of bad news about her prognosis that she didn't now about it, and she finally joked about it as Fin entered the room.

In a rare show of affection, Fin leaned in and kissed her forehead. "You're the heart of our family Liv."

Olivia felt herself tear up, because she knew there was so much wrapped up in that statement. And to have it come from Fin…it was too much.

"Everyone just needed to see you with their own eyes." Cragen said. "Now, everyone that works for me…back to work." His gaze landed on Olivia. "You're on paid administrative leave until you're ready to come back to work." He jerked his head towards the hallway. "The two detectives from the 2-2 need to take your statement."

Elliot took that as his cue to leave; he knew Cragen wasn't going to let he or Brian stay, no matter how much they protested. He watched as Cragen walked out into the hallway, and he motioned for Cassidy to follow him out. Elliot brought up the rear, but he looked back at Olivia before he cleared the doorway. "I'll be right out here."

Olivia didn't have time to think about the presumption in that statement, as the other detectives came in the room and closed the door.

She'd have to sort that out later…

EOEOEOEO

Cragen lingered a moment to speak to the nurse that was waiting outside, and Elliot and Cassidy walked into a small family lounge down the hall from Olivia's room. Cassidy plopped down in a chair, still sulking, and Elliot knew he was still pissed off that Elliot had been the one to stay by her bedside.

Cragen walked into the small room. "Doc says she's going to get release this afternoon." Cragen said. "She's most likely going to be on crutches for a few days, even though they want her to walk as much as possible on that leg." He sighed. "With that concussion, she's going to need to rest, but we're going to have to keep an eye on her."

"I took a few days off. I'll be staying with her." Cassidy said quickly, shooting a pointed look at Elliot.

"You're the dumbass that let her wander off when some lunatic was trying to kill her." Elliot said. "Why should we think you're going to take care of her?"

"If you knew Olivia half as well as you think you do, you'd know that she doesn't want anyone to take care of her." Cassidy spewed out, standing up to face Elliot. "She doesn't want a babysitter."

"You're a fucking idiot. That's all she's ever wanted. Someone to care about her…"

"I do care about her. More than you do, you self-righteous son-of-a-bitch." Cassidy was in Elliot's face now.

Elliot heard Cragen yelling at them to knock it off, but he was furious right now, and he ignored him. "You just want to get laid." Elliot said, pushing his fingers into Cassidy's chest. "That's all you've ever wanted from her."

"I'm pretty sure that you've spent a fair amount of time thinking about the same goddamned thing." Cassidy shot back. "Except you couldn't close the deal."

Elliot hated the fact that Cassidy had slept with Olivia…then and now. He loved her, and to think this pathetic piece of crap had had what he desired…it was too much. "Maybe I respected her enough to know that she needed more than a warm body in her bed at night…" He was done with Cassidy. "She needs someone that loves her…worships her…gives her the love and care she deserves."

"You think that's you? Then why did you just leave her without a second thought?"

Elliot had heard enough. He planted a left hook on Cassidy's cheek, wincing at the pain in his ribs as his fist connected with Cassidy's face.

Cassidy hadn't been expecting the blow, and he fell backward, crashing into a small table and upsetting a pile of newspapers and magazines piled there.

Cragen was standing in front of Elliot now, pushing a hand against his chest, as Cassidy scrambled to his feet. Brian clearly wanted his shot, but Elliot knew Cragen wasn't going to let this go any farther.

Cragen turned to Elliot. "Go cool off!" He demanded, and he pushed Elliot towards the door. Elliot wanted to argue, but he knew there was no point. He pushed past a nurse that was rushing into the room, and stalked off down the hall, in the opposite direction of Olivia's room.

He was muttering and cursing under his breath all the way down the hall. Even though he had jarred his ribs, and now his hand was stinging from the bones in Cassidy's face, he still felt like hitting something else. He was filled with anger about this entire situation…about the havoc he had wreaked when he left the squad…about finding Olivia with a new partner and a new lover…about White and his vendetta that put Olivia in the hospital.

Elliot reached the ground floor of the hospital and moving as quickly as he could, he burst outside. The winter air was cold…biting…at every breath he took stung his lungs. The weak winter sun was no match for the bitter cold, and the wind was nipping at his ears and his nose. He breathed in deeply, as if the cold air could numb him and take away all his anger and pain.

He had to figure out how to make all this right. He had tried talking to Olivia, and she kept pushing him away. It was her only defense mechanism; he understood. When he had stayed in her room last night, she hadn't put up much of a protest. But he didn't want to claim that as any sort of small victory. She had been in pain…drugged…confused.

And scared.

He thought about the panic attack she'd had…about the things she had said about White and Harris. The pain of that incident obviously still lingered, and he regretted never pushing her on telling him more…to talk to him about it.

Elliot sighed as he paced back and forth in front of the hospital entrance.

Olivia had known a lot of pain and disappointment in her life. He had been the one thing she could count on and he had ripped that away from her. It was going to take more than a few apologies to get her to trust him again, no matter how she felt about him.

For a moment, he wondered if he should just walk away. The damage had been done, and up until a few days ago, he hadn't had any intention of reaching out to her, no matter how many times he'd thought about it.

She had worked through it…moved past it as best she could.

Was he doing more harm than good?

Elliot stopped, feeling the chill settling in his bones. He saw her face in his mind…thought about the things that had been said in the past few days…and he knew he wasn't going to leave her again. There was a part of him that knew she wanted him to fight for them.

He just had some work to do to overcome the barriers of protection she had erected.

It might take some time, but right now, he had all the time in the world. He would learn patience…as best he could. And every time she pushed him away, he'd tell her that he wasn't giving up.

Until one day, she'd believe him.


	16. Chapter 16

Cragen walked into Olivia's room soon after the detectives from the 2-2 left. Olivia saw the concern on his face, permanently etched there from years of taking care of the people on his squad and the people of the city. For the first time, she wondered about the toll it had taken on him, and if he thought about retirement. She knew that she had given him her share of trouble over the years.

"Hey." He said softly as he approached the bed. "How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine Captain. Really." Olivia really wanted to reassure him.

"That was a close one."

Olivia nodded. She knew things could have gone much differently in that bathroom; she could be dead now. She watched as Cragen pressed his lips together, as if keeping himself from saying something else. "I'm okay." She reached out and placed her hand lightly on his arm, thankful for having a Captain that cared so much. SVU really was like family, and he was the patriarch.

"They're going to spring you today?" Cragen asked.

Olivia nodded again. "I think so."

"OK…well…like I said before…you're on paid leave while they sort this out. And then medical leave until you're ready to come back. I want you to take as much time as you need. Talk to somebody."

"I will." She had never believed in the power of counseling until she had finally succumbed after Harris. It had helped her in so many ways.

Cragen looked back towards the door and Olivia could tell he was holding something back. She waited a moment; she knew he'd get to it eventually. He had never shied away from delivering bad news…he just had to figure out how to say it.

"Cassidy and Elliot…" He started. "There's obviously some…tension between them."

Olivia heard the implied _over you_.

"I'm not quite sure how you want to handle it or if you just want me to send both of them away for now."

Olivia appreciated his attempt to protect her from the testosterone-laden posturing between the two of them, but she was a big girl. "I'll work it out." She said. It certainly wasn't his issue.

"Well…"

Olivia noticed how uncomfortable he was. "Did something happen?"

"I'm sure they're both just worried about you and they're not thinking clearly…" Cragen started. Before he could finish his thought, Brian came in to the room. Olivia saw his bruised face and the start of a black eye and her jaw dropped open.

"Brian!"

"Hey babe." He walked over to the bed and leaned in, planting a kiss on her forehead as if everything was normal.

Olivia put her hand on his arm and pushed him back slightly. "What the hell happened?"

"I told you…Stabler is seriously whacked. He just hit me…"

Olivia had witnessed Elliot's famous temper before, but he never escalated to physical violence unless he was provoked. Brian wasn't telling her the entire story here. "What did you say to him?"

"Me?" Brian brought his hands to his chest with an incredulous look on his face. "What did _I_ say? How about asking what _he_ said? He started the whole thing and then went off and popped me."

"I can't believe that he'd hit you for no reason." Olivia said, looking over at Cragen. He was shifting uncomfortably, and she knew he wasn't going to intervene unless she asked him to.

"Seriously Liv? You're taking Stabler's side?" He shook his head.

"I'm not taking anyone's side." Olivia said.

"I should have known." Brian said, ignoring what she'd said. "What _is_ it with the two of you?"

"I said I'm not taking anyone's side." Olivia repeated.

"I don't know how you can stand up for him after the way he treated you…" Brian said.

"I'm not standing up for him. I'm just trying to figure out what really happened." Olivia said vehemently, getting frustrated with Brian.

"I _told_ you what happened."

"Brian." Cragen finally interrupted. "Maybe this isn't the time or place to be having this conversation."

Brian looked back and forth between Cragen and Olivia, as if trying to decide if he was done. He obviously decided he was. "Yeah…" He said, his voice still laced with anger. He looked back at Olivia. "I'm going to get some fresh air. I'll be back later to take you home." He leaned in quickly and placed another half-hearted kiss on her forehead. "Just let me know what time."

Then he was gone.

"I'm sorry about that…" Olivia started, looking sheepishly at Cragen.

"Don't worry about it.

"What happened?" She gestured towards the door. "Did you see what happened?"

"I'm going to just let you sort that out with Elliot and Brian." Cragen said. "But like I said, maybe you just need some time to yourself. Rest. Heal." He headed towards the door. "Call me if you need anything, and I'll check in on you periodically."

Olivia just nodded as he walked out the door. Her headache was getting worse, and she didn't know if it was the concussion or just tension from her argument with Brian and the whole Brian/Elliot mess. Most likely it was the latter. She lay her head back on her pillow and closed her eyes.

She hadn't realized she had fallen asleep until she heard movement in the room. Her senses must have been on alert, because she opened her eyes quickly. She saw Elliot leaning against the wall, just watching her.

"Don't stare at me like that." She snapped. "It's creepy."

Elliot didn't say anything. He averted his eyes for a moment and then brought them back to her. "What am I supposed to look at?"

Olivia let out a sigh as she lay her head back on the pillow. "What are you doing here?" She said, hearing the harshness in her own voice.

"I wanted to check in on you. I told you I wasn't leaving."

Olivia lifted her head. "Maybe you should have. Then you wouldn't have beat up my boyfriend." She emphasized the word _boyfriend_ because she knew it was drive Elliot crazy. He deserved it after pulling a stunt like that.

Elliot rankled at her choice of words, but he let it go. "I didn't beat him up."

"I saw his black eye and the bruise on his face Elliot. You're really going to stand there and tell me you didn't do that?"

"No, I did that. But he deserved it." Elliot said.

"I can't believe this." She lay her head back and looked at the ceiling. "It's like dealing with children."

"You don't know what he was saying."

"I don't care what he was saying." She lifted her head, because her curiosity was piqued. What could Brian say that would cause Elliot to hit him? Still…she would never ask. And she didn't condone violence over some heated debate. "You shouldn't have hit him."

"I should have known you'd take his side." Elliot pushed himself off the wall and walked closer to the bed. "I don't know what he told you…"

"I'm not on anyone's side!" Olivia raised her voice and the sound was deafening in the small room. "Why do I have to be on anyone's side?" she slammed a fist down on the bed. "You are both so goddamned frustrating."

Elliot was surprised by her outburst, and he felt like a shit for agitating her. He reached out and touched her arm lightly. "I'm sorry." He said quietly.

Olivia pulled her arm away quickly. "Just go Elliot." She said with a sigh. She lay her head back on the pillow and turned her face away from him.

Elliot debated fighting her on it. He wanted to apologize again and ask if he could stay. But she was upset, and he didn't want to push her anymore right now.

Patience.

It was his new mantra.

He leaned over slowly, and in a move that shocked even him, he kissed her gently on her temple. "I'm sorry Liv." He whispered near her ear, and then he left her in peace.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia winced as she hobbled from her bedroom to the kitchen to get something to drink. The stitches pulled her skin, and while the painkillers they'd given her took off the edge, it was still uncomfortable. She knew it was probably time to take another one, but she hated that they made her groggy, and she didn't really like the idea of not being 100% in control of her mental faculties. She never did.

The bottle of water from the refrigerator was just lukewarm, but she screwed off the top and took a long drink anyway. She had appreciated Fin stopping at the bodega to pick up a few groceries after he had driven her home from the hospital. It was those little things that she never expected from him that endeared him to her.

She had been surprised when he had shown up at the hospital, just as she was wondering what to do about getting home. She would never know whether Cragen had sent him, or if Fin had taken it upon himself to show it. But she had gladly accepted his offer. Just minutes before his arrival, she had been considering a call to a car service to avoid having to call Brian.

Or Elliot.

She needed some space to think…to figure things out.

Olivia looked at the clock hanging on the wall. 7PM.

Honestly, she was surprised she hadn't heard from either one of them. Brian would have been pissed off to show up at the hospital and find out that she had already checked out.

And Elliot…he would just want to see how she was doing.

Her eyes landed on her phone. It had been dead when she'd left the hospital, and it was charging on the counter. She didn't remember plugging it in, but she had been given a painkiller right before she left so the entire ride and arrival in her apartment was kind of fuzzy.

In fact, thinking about it now, it must have been Fin that helped her into bed. That felt strange but wasn't a big deal. It wasn't like she had undressed or anything. Maybe it was just Fin's need for personal space that made it amusing. He must have loved playing nursemaid. She made a mental note to thank him again, just in case she hadn't in her drug-induced haze.

She focused on the phone again, making bets with herself that she had messages from both Brian and Elliot. Probably Cragen and others as well. But she was just too tired to deal with any of it right now. Olivia walked slowly back into her bedroom, turned on the small TV, and let herself drift off to sleep.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia hadn't looked at her phone until she had climbed out of bed earlier that morning. She had seen two missed calls and four texts from Brian, one missed call and two texts from Elliot, one call from Nick, and one from Cragen. She hadn't returned any of them except Cragen's and told him to relay a message to Nick. So far, the rest of the day had been quiet, except for a call from Barba, and she had answered that one.

She knew she was being somewhat childish in refusing to call Brian and Elliot. Their messages were about the same. Asking how she was doing…asking if she needed anything…asking her to call. But she was still a little angry at their behavior in the hospital, and she wasn't certain she wouldn't just blow up at them.

It didn't help that she was trying not to take her painkillers, and her leg was killing her.

Olivia had just gotten herself situated on the couch, when the buzzer rang. She debated ignoring it, but she assumed it had to be Brian or Elliot. They would just keep buzzing until she answered. She pushed herself up off the couch slowly and made her way to the intercom. "Hello."

"Benson?"

It was a voice she didn't recognize, and fear snaked up her spine. She didn't answer right away, not wanting to confirm her name.

"Delivery from Changs."

Olivia relaxed slightly. The restaurant was around the corner and she ordered from them frequently. "You must have made a mistake." She said. "I didn't order anything."

"Order was placed by someone named Stabler. Already paid for."

Olivia let her head fall forward until her forehead was resting on the wall. _Damn Elliot_. She buzzed the delivery guy in and tipped him as he handed her the food. Her stomach grumbled as she hobbled back into the living room and she ate her fill while she watched a movie.

She knew Elliot was waiting for her to text or call him to thank him.

But if he thought having dinner delivered for her was going to make her forgive him for all that had happened, he had another thing coming.

The next night…Elliot had a deli deliver soup and a sandwich. Olivia felt a little guilty as she dug in, but she was hungry, and it smelled wonderful. When she was full, she leaned back on the couch, eyeing her phone. She finally let out a heavy sign, and picked up the phone, looking for Elliot's latest messages.

Olivia debated what to say, but finally, she just kept it simple. "Thanks for dinner."

She was surprised when he didn't respond, but it was probably presumptuous to think he was sitting there waiting for her reply. She waited another few minutes, and then opened Brian's texts. She hit reply. "I'm fine. Sleeping a lot." She knew she should probably say something more personal, but nothing came to mind. "Fuck it." She hit SEND.

She tossed her phone down on the couch next to her, and then heard it ping. She expected it to be a reply from Brian but was surprised to see it was from Elliot.

 _Anytime. Just say the word_.

Olivia debated how to answer, but she left it.

She got another incoming text from Brian, asking her to call, but she ignored it.

The next night…Olivia anticipated a delivery…and her buzzer went off right at 7, just like the previous nights deliveries. She opened the door and was shocked to see Elliot standing at the door. He had a pizza box in one hand and a six pack of beer in the other.

"Delivery." He said, flashing a grin.

Elliot saw Olivia cock her head slightly and put her hand on her hip, trying to act annoyed. But she couldn't quite hold it, and he saw her bite back a small smile. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any cash for a tip." She said.

"How about a slice of pizza?"

Olivia pretended to think about it, but he knew she was going to let him in. He watched as she stepped backwards, favoring her right leg. "One slice, and then you're out."

Elliot nodded as he kicked the door closed behind him. He knew he had to keep things light…despite the long list of things he'd rehearsed in his mind. He followed her into the living room and set the pizza down on the coffee table. "How's the leg?" He asked as he watched her sit down gingerly.

"Getting better. How're the ribs?" Olivia asked as Elliot sat down slowly on the other end of the couch.

Elliot pressed his lips together, reminded that they only reason they were both sitting here injured was because of White. So much for keeping it light. "Better." He said.

He noticed Olivia had a movie on, with the sound muted. "I bet your sick to death of watching TV." He said, changing the subject to something more light-hearted. He saw Olivia shrug, and he picked up the remote. "I think the Rangers game is on."

"I don't like hockey Elliot." Olivia said as she snatched the remote from his hand. "And besides, you're not staying."

"I haven't had my slice of pizza yet." Elliot said, flipping open the box. He handed her a slice and then took one for himself. He leaned back in the chair. "So, if we're not watching hockey, then what are we watching?"

" _We're_ not watching anything. _I'm_ watching one of the Mission Impossible movies."

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "You're a Tom Cruise fan?"

"It's just what was on." Olivia said, hearing the tease in his voice.

"Hmmm. I never got it…why women go gaga over him."

"Gaga? Who says that?" Olivia asked. "Besides, I didn't say I liked him."

Elliot smiled, enjoying the banter between them. It reminded him of a better time. "Then why are you watching it?" He smirked at her and earned an eye roll from her.

"Are you done with that pizza yet?" Olivia said.

Elliot shook his head. "Not even close." He said, taking the tiniest bite possible. He saw Olivia bite back another smile, and he was happy that he'd taken a chance and shown up here tonight.


	17. Chapter 17

AN: I know I can't keep apologizing for the delays, but I AM sorry. Here you go.

EOEOEOEO

Olivia had spent the entire morning getting to and from her physical therapy; traffic had been particularly snarled with an overnight snowstorm. The time she'd spent in actual PT was ridiculously short, and she wondered if she had really needed it. But then her therapist pointed out how she was favoring her leg, and how she gritted her teeth during the workout, and she knew she was there for a reason. She was exhausted by the time she had walked through the front door of her apartment, and she crawled right into bed. She couldn't remember the last time she had napped an afternoon away unless she'd worked 48 hours straight. It felt indulgent, but she knew it was her bodies way of dealing with the stress and injury.

She needed the rest.

She had been awake just a little over an hour now and her stomach was starting to make small noises, reminding her that it was almost time for dinner. She thought about the night before, when Elliot had shown up. She had been surprised to see him, and even more surprised when he had left right after finishing his slice of pizza.

 _I don't want to wear out my welcome._

And then that disarming grin.

Olivia hadn't asked him to stay, and she didn't really think he would have if she had asked. When he'd gone, she had found herself turning his visit over and over in her mind. He had said that he wanted to make sure she was eating, but she wondered if he had really just wanted to make sure she was okay.

She could understand that. It had been good to see him moving more easily; his ribs must be healing. And there was just a small bandage over the stitches on his arm.

She knew she should be angry with his decision to just show up like that. They hadn't done that often before…and they certainly didn't have that kind of relationship now. But she wasn't…and that sent her mind into another spiral.

It occurred to her that she was accepting Elliot back into her life too easily. After what he'd done…she should be fighting it…protecting herself. She should be pushing him away… just to see how hard he was willing to work to have her back in her life.

But…

It took so much energy to be upset…to try to keep reminding herself of all the reasons why she shouldn't let him back into her life.

Maybe…just maybe…she and Elliot could find a way to be friends.

Maybe she could live with having Elliot in her life without any thoughts of romance…or love. She could see where things with Brian went, especially since Elliot seemed to still be tied to Kathy in some way. It could work.

Maybe it didn't have to be all or nothing.

Maybe she could forgive…forget.

The ringing of her cell phone jarred her from her thoughts. She looked at the lock screen and saw it was Brian. Olivia let out a sigh, knowing she had to answer it. She hadn't seen him since he had shown up by her bedside at the hospital, and her responses to his texts since then had been monosyllabic…when she answered them at all.

"Hey Bri." Olivia said, softening her voice. She could hear the relief in his voice, and she felt badly about how she'd been treating him. She listened as he asked how she was feeling and what she'd been doing, and she filled him in on her recuperation and her physical therapy. Olivia waited for the inevitable question, and he didn't disappoint her.

"Are you up for some company?"

Olivia knew she should say yes, but she heard herself telling him that she was tired…and maybe tomorrow would be better. "I'm sorry." She added when he said he understood, because she could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Liv?"

Olivia could hear the hesitation in how he said her name, as if he thought he wanted to ask her something, but he wasn't sure.

"Never mind." He said with a sigh.

"OK." In that moment, she was glad he had decided to drop whatever he had been about to say. She wasn't in the mood for any deep discussion, and she had a feeling that things were headed that way.

"It's just…"

Olivia braced herself, realizing she hadn't dodged his question yet. She forced herself to tamp down her irritation. She wished she hadn't answered the phone.

"I don't know…" Briand said. "It's kind of like you don't want me around…and I'm just wondering…"

"Brian…" Olivia said, interrupting him. "It's not that I don't want to see you." Olivia let out a small sigh. "There's just been a lot going on and…"

"Cuz I thought…well. You know…with Stabler back."

"Brian." Olivia said, adopting a soothing tone. "Elliot showed up because of White, and now that White is dead…" She stopped because she realized she didn't know what to say. It was highly unlikely he was going away. "Elliot has nothing to do with us."

Olivia heard silence on the other end of the line, and she knew Brian was trying to decide if he should push her. She realized she was holding her breath…waiting to see if he'd accept her lie.

"OK Liv. If you say so." Brian said. He waited a beat before continuing. "I'll call you tomorrow."

Olivia noticed his last statement sounded more like a question. "Yes. Let's make plans tomorrow." She needed to make that happen…to make that effort.

Brian hung up without saying anything in response, and she wondered if he'd even heard what she'd said. Olivia tossed her phone down on the couch and lay her head back, as she closed her eyes and let out a huge breath between her pursed lips.

She had no idea what she was doing.

Thinking about it was driving her crazy. She pushed herself up, wincing slightly, and she snagged her phone off the couch. Dinner was next on the list, and she headed towards the kitchen. As she stared into the nearly empty refrigerator, she heard her buzzer go off. She felt a slight flutter in her stomach, and she realized that in the back of her mind, she'd been hoping Elliot would show up again tonight.

She moved over to the intercom, telling herself it could be anyone…just a delivery. But when she heard his voice, she couldn't hold back a small smile.

Elliot was at her door five minutes later with a takeout bag from a deli and a smirk on his face.

"You know, you don't need to feed me." Olivia said as leaned against the doorframe. "I can take care of myself."

Elliot raised one brown and pursed his lips together. "I'll bet you $100 that you don't have any food in your refrigerator."

Olivia pressed her lips together, but she didn't say anything. She rolled her eyes at him and backed up to let him in.

Elliot laughed as he walked in and closed the door. "Some things never change."

Olivia rolled her eyes, wanting to point out to him that a lot of things change. Really big things. But she didn't want to start down that road. "Well, I'm not tipping you." She said as she watched him toe off his shoes and walk into her living room.

Olivia grabbed some plates and followed him into the room, settling into an oversized chair that was next to the couch. Elliot unloaded sandwiches and soups from the bag, and automatically split them in half. The move surprised Olivia, even though it was something he had done at least a hundred times before. The familiarity of it caused a pang in her chest and awakened an aching desire to have things back to the way they were before.

She swallowed hard and looked away, focusing on the bottles of water on the coffee table.

Elliot saw a look of pain on Olivia's face. "Are you okay?" He asked. He wondered if she overdid it today; the deep wound in her thigh was still healing. He saw her look up at him and then back down at the meal in front of them, and he realized right away what was bothering her.

It struck him then just how deeply he'd hurt her.

Of course, he'd known it. But he didn't really think about how every small detail…how even the smallest reminder of how things used to be…would be a trigger for her.

Elliot lifted her half sandwich off his plate, and then paused, unsure if he should switch them back.

"Just leave it." Olivia said quietly, annoyed that she'd given herself away.

Elliot sighed heavily and dropped the sandwich. He leaned back on the couch and looked directly into Olivia's eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing." Elliot said.

Olivia noticed an undertone of despair in the way he said it. She didn't say anything, but she held eye contact.

"I don't know what I was thinking." Elliot said, shaking his head slightly. "I show up here with food, just hoping you'll let me in. I just wanted to see you…to talk to you…" He sat up again and shoved the plate across the small table. "Like I could show up with your favorites and you'd just forget everything that happened." He dropped his head between his shoulders. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

Olivia wasn't certain if he was talking to her or to himself; it seemed that maybe it was a little of both. She assumed this is where she was supposed to jump in…to absolve him of any wrongdoing and assuage his guilt. But he was right…a few meals and a flash of the baby blues wasn't going to make everything ok.

Still…

"I didn't have to let you in." Olivia said softly.

Elliot lifted his head to look at her. He recognized it for what it was…Olivia was throwing him a bone.

"Honestly…I don't know why I did." Olivia confessed.

Elliot appreciated her honesty. He straightened up and nodded. "Me either." He waited for her next move, and then he saw her eyes drift away from him. Olivia was looking out the window, but winter darkness had settled in, and he knew she wouldn't be able to see anything except the city lights. He didn't know if she was searching for something to say, or just trying to escape his gaze. "I guess I just thought that we could talk…pick up…" He saw Olivia's eyes snap back to his, and he stopped talking.

"I told you that I don't know why I let you in." Olivia said slowly. "But that's not entirely true." She paused, unsure of what she wanted to reveal.

Elliot waited for her to tell him, and he found he was holding his breath.

Olivia looked down at her hands; they were clasped in her lap. "I let you in because…" She lifted her head to look at him. "You showed up." She couldn't say anymore than that, but she could tell that he understood exactly what she was saying.

"I told you before Liv. Olivia." He corrected himself, even though he knew he kept slipping up on the use of her nickname. "I'm going to take whatever I can get." He smiled. "Even if it means I have to bring you dinner every night."

Olivia raised an eyebrow, wanting to break the tension in the room. "Just because I let you in tonight, doesn't mean I'm going to let you in every time you show up at my door."

Elliot heard the tease in her voice, and he appreciated it. "Does the kind of food I bring have anything to do with your decision?"

Olivia pressed her lips together and smirked at him. "It can't hurt." She lifted up her plate and settled back in her chair to dig in and she watched Elliot do the same. "And El…" She saw him look up at her. "It's OK if you call me Liv sometimes."

EOEOEOEO

Olivia lay in bed and thought about the discussion with Elliot. He had stayed a little longer after dinner, but not more than an hour. They had steered clear of any real meaningful conversation, choosing to focus on their medical recoveries, the snowfall that morning and how it had fouled up traffic, and other random events. She was happy about it, because she didn't want to delve into any deeper conversations; she was still trying to adjust to her acceptance of just having him around.

Now…she was trying not to overanalyze every comment…every decision she'd made. Brian obviously wasn't happy that Elliot was hanging around, and he'd have a field day if he knew she'd blown him off in hopes that Elliot showed up. Nick wouldn't be happy; he didn't like Elliot because he'd been the one that'd had to pick up the pieces.

It added a lot of stress to an already stressful situation.

Olivia rolled over on her side, looking out her bedroom window. She could see that snow had started falling again, and she made the decision that she was going to skip PT in the morning.

She tried to imagine telling Elliot that she didn't want to see him again. That he could go back to where he came from…and to leave her alone.

It's what she _should_ do.

But then an image of Elliot popped into her mind.

 _She had thanked him for dinner as they walked to the door. He had brushed by her…on purpose or accidentally she didn't know…as he moved towards the door. In the moment before he passed over the threshold, he had turned to face her. He was close…very close. He had hesitated for a second, but then leaned in and pressed the barest whisper of a kiss on her forehead. "Night Liv." He had whispered, and then turned and left._

Olivia had watched him walk down the hallway…a confused mass of emotion swarming her body. She still felt it…even though it had been hours since he'd gone.

She knew she wouldn't tell Elliot that she didn't want to see him again.

Olivia snuggled down into her pillow and closed her eyes.

"Night El."


	18. Chapter 18

Olivia pasted a smile on her face as she opened the door to Brian. "Where's lunch?" Her smile faded when she noticed that he didn't have any bags in his hands. "You said you were going to pick up something."

"Hello to you too." Brian gave her a smile as he walked through the doorway, forcing her to take a few steps back quickly to avoid his running into her. She winced as she inadvertently put too much weight on her leg.

"You OK babe?" Brian asked, resting his hands on her upper arms.

"It's fine." Olivia said, shifting her weight to her other leg.

Brian leaned in and gave her a kiss. He rested his hands on her hips, pulling himself closer to her body. He gave her another smile. "I missed you." He said quietly as he leaned in for another kiss.

Olivia placed her hands on his shoulders and kissed him back. She closed her eyes and tried to lose herself in the moment, but Brian must have sensed her hesitancy.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he pulled away from her.

"Nothing." Olivia said. "I'm just…" She motioned towards her leg. "I'm still hurting and …" She shrugged her shoulders, letting him fill in the blanks.

"Got it." He said, flashing her another smile. He snagged her hand and tangled his fingers with hers. "You could lay down on the couch…" He wiggled his eyebrows and gave her what she assumed was supposed to be a disarming grin. "You know…to take the weight off your leg…"

Olivia didn't know if he was joking or not, but for his sake, she hoped he was. She pulled her hand from his and walked into the kitchen. She pulled a pile of take-out menus from the drawer and starting sorting through them. Brian came up behind her, placing his hands on the counter next to her hips, effectively caging her body. He leaned in, whispering in her ear.

"Sorry about lunch, but I was in such a rush to get over here, I didn't want to stop." He pushed her hair back from her face and placed a few kisses on the back of her neck, before resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Is sex the only thing you think about?" Olivia asked in an annoyed voice, pushing him backwards with her hips and shoulders simultaneously. She dropped the menus and turned around, seeing a look of confusion on Brian's face.

"What are you talking about?" He asked incredulously. " _You're_ the one that's usually jumping _me_ the minute I walk in the door."

Olivia knew it was true. When she and Brian had reconnected, it had been easy to fall back in bed with him. She didn't want to have deep, meaningful conversations. She didn't want to talk about her day…or his. She just wanted to lose herself…to feel something.

Brian was a willing…and eager…participant. He wasn't a deep thinker, or much of a conversationalist.

" _You're_ the one that said we should keep things casual." Brian said, raising his voice as he spoke.

"I know." Olivia said, nodding her head as she averted her eyes. "I said that." She turned away from him, feeling annoyed with him, and even more annoyed with herself for feeling that way. "I'm sorry." She said quietly, and she meant it. Brian had no idea what was going on in her head right now; it wasn't his fault.

Brian came up behind her and lay his hand gently in the small of her back. "Hey…I really wasn't trying to…you know…get you into bed." He rubbed her back lightly. "I know you just got out of the hospital. I'm not that much of an ass."

Olivia noticed that he waited a bit, waiting for her to say something. But she didn't.

Brian didn't give up that easily…or he was clueless to her agitation. "I just really missed you."

Olivia turned her head to the left, and saw Brian looking at her with his puppy dog eyes. She let out a breath, releasing the tension in her shoulders. "Let's just order something to eat." She said, picking up the menus. "I'm hungry."

"Sounds good babe." Brian said, cracking a smile. "I'm buying."

The food was delivered in less than half an hour, and Brian surfed TV channels while they ate. "Daytime TV sucks." He commented as he tossed the remote on the coffee table. "So…" He looked around the apartment. "What have you been doing the past few days?"

Olivia filled him in her physical therapy and the book she was reading…but she omitted the time Elliot had spent with her. "I have just been trying to get some rest." She shifted slightly in place. "As a matter of fact, I'm kind of tired."

"Take a nap." Brian said. "I don't mind." He picked up the remote and continued to scan the channels.

Olivia had hoped he would take the hint that she wanted him to leave, but he hadn't picked up on her non-verbal cues. "Bri…" She saw him look up at her.

"You want me to leave?" He asked. "I just got here."

"I know, and I'm sorry…"

"Christ Liv. What's going on…"

Brian stopped short when they heard a knock at the door.

Olivia's heart skipped a beat as she wondered who had shown up. But Brian was up and moving to the door before she could even get up.

"Amaro." Olivia heard Brian say his name before she saw Nick walk into her apartment. She didn't know if Nick showing up was better or worse. There was certainly no love lost between the two of them.

"What're you doing here?" Brian asked, and Olivia shot him a dirty look.

"Don't be rude." Olivia said as she joined them in the foyer.

Amaro ignored Brian and gave Olivia a smile. "I thought I'd check in on you." He handed her one of those disposable plastic dishes. "My mom made you cookies."

Olivia accepted the gift with a small laugh. "Thanks Nick." She waved him into the apartment. "Come in."

"Thought you were so tired." Brian said flippantly, and Olivia shot him another pointed look.

"Looks like you're able to put some weight on that leg." Nick said. "PT must be helping." He made himself comfortable on one end of the couch, and Olivia sat on the opposite end. She was thankful for the distraction, and she filled him in on her struggle to get to the clinic with all the snow.

"Maybe your boyfriend could help you out by giving you a ride." Nick said snidely, looking over at Cassidy who was leaning against the wall just inside the room.

"You're an asshole." Brian said, escalating the situation quickly. "You don't think I offered?"

Olivia was surprised by his comment, because she honestly didn't remember him offering. But she also knew she had mostly skipped over the content of his dozens of texts and voicemails, so he could have. She wouldn't have taken it up on him anyway.

"Yeah, that's what I think." Amaro shot back. "You don't think I know you, but I got friends in Narcotics…"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Brian asked, pushing himself off the wall and getting in Amaro's face.

"It means that I've heard things…" Nick stood up and pushed Brian backwards, and for a moment, Olivia was worried that this fight was actually going to come to blows. She pushed herself up off the couch and rushed over to where they were facing off.

"Knock it off!" She yelled as she pushed at both of their shoulders. The action forced her to put more weight on her injured leg, and she cried out in pain. She tried to shift her weight, but she lost her balance and felt herself falling backwards. She saw both men reaching for her, but it was Nick that caught her arm. She still fell, but his quick grab slowed her momentum, and she was able to keep from hitting her head on the coffee table. She landed on her ass with a thud, and Nick fell beside her as she pulled him down with her.

Olivia heard Brian yell out her name, but she was more focused on the pain in her leg. "Help me up." She rasped, and Brian and Nick each grabbed an arm and braced her shoulders and helped her stand up. She sat down quickly, holding her hand against her thigh.

"You OK?" Brian asked.

Olivia lifted her head and snapped at him. "No. I'm not OK." Her leg felt as if it were bleeding, and she was pissed off at both of them for their behavior.

"Hey, everything was fine until he showed up." Brian said, pointing at Nick.

Olivia had heard enough. "I think you should leave."

"Me?" Brian asked in surprise, bringing his hand up to his chest.

"Yes." Olivia could see that Brian wanted to argue with her, but he was thinking about it. He was giving Nick dirty looks, and she knew he wanted to ask if Nick was leaving too. Honestly, she considered it, but she needed some help.

One of them had to go.

And Brian had been on her nerves since he'd shown up at her door empty-handed. She felt a stab of guilt because she knew she was being extraordinarily hard on him, but his beef with Nick and Elliot was ridiculous. She softened her voice slightly. "Please Bri. I just need to get my leg cleaned up and I need some rest."

Brian let out a huff of impatience…his eyes narrowed to slits…but he didn't argue. His shoulders sagged slightly, as if the fight had left him. "OK Liv." He walked over and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Sorry 'bout all that…" He said, but Olivia thought it sounded like he was telling her what he thought she wanted to hear; there wasn't a lot of sincerity in his tone.

"I'll call you later." Olivia said quietly, and she saw Brian nod as he walked towards the door.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Nick shook his head. "That guys a hothead…"

"Don't start." Olivia said sharply. "I know you don't like Brian but…"

"Liv. I wasn't lying when I said I knew guys in narcotics. Some of the things I've heard. It's not all above board."

Olivia appreciated the fact that Nick was trying to protect her, but she was old enough to take care of herself. She'd been doing it her whole life. "Please Nick. Don't." She said, holding up her hand. "I can manage my personal life."

Nick waited a beat and raised an eyebrow. "You sure about that?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Olivia asked.

Nick pressed his lips together and cocked his head. "I dunno." He shrugged slightly. "Cassidy just doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would be good for you. And now Stabler's hanging around…"

Olivia looked at him sharply. "Who said he's hanging around?" She asked, ignoring the comment about Cassidy. She pressed the palm of her hand against her thigh, clenching her teeth.

Nick shrugged again. "It was just a guess."

Olivia groaned inwardly at her rookie mistake. She had given Nick the answer he was looking for with her question and her tone. She sighed heavily. "You know what Nick? I really wrenched my leg when I fell and I'm really tired. I appreciate you checking in on me…and the cookies…but I think I'm going to lay down for a while."

Nick nodded. "I'm sorry about that. Are you sure you're OK?" He asked, his face full of concern.

"I'm fine." She reassured him. "I've just been overdoing it a bit. If I lay down and take the weight off it for a while, I'll be good."

Nick moved to the door, looking back as he opened the door. "Keep in touch." He said. "Let me know how you're doing. And if you need anything…"

"I'll call you." Olivia said.

She watched as Nick closed the door behind him. As soon as he was gone, she lifted he hand. She was wearing a loose pair of gray sweatpants, to avoid fabric catching on her wound. But when she lifted her hand, she saw the blood she had known was there. It was soaking through the material, and her hand was damp with her own blood.

Olivia swore under her breath, wondering if she had ripped out some stitches. She moved gingerly into the bedroom, and then into her bathroom. She loosened the drawstring of her sweatpants and let them drop to the floor, but she avoided looking at her wound. She'd seen dozens, if not hundreds, of dead people and horrified wounds, so it wasn't the sight of blood that bothered her. It was the stark reality that she had let White get to her…that she hadn't been smart enough to avoid him.

It pissed her off.

If she would have been smarter, then she wouldn't be dealing with this. Olivia opened the door to the medicine cabinet and rooted around until she found a large bandage. She ran water over a washcloth, and pressed it against the wound, gritting her teeth as she dabbed at the wound. Before she looked at it, she placed the bandage over it, pressing down the edges until it was secured.

Olivia braced her arms against the counter and bowed her head. She was so tired; she was going to take that nap she had been talking about all day.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot was starting to worry, even though he knew he shouldn't. It wasn't as if Olivia had been returning his text messages with any regularity. In fact, she was doing a good job of keeping him on his toes. Even though she'd let him in the past two nights, he wasn't sure where he stood with her. The visits had been brief, and they hadn't talked about anything meaningful.

But he had meant what he said.

He would take what he could get.

But still…he felt like she was opening up. That he had some chance of being a part of her life. He thought she was most likely expecting him to show up tonight, and even though he couldn't reach her, he was going to be there.

Elliot reached her apartment building, and he juggled the Thai food in his hands as he used his key to open the security door. He jogged up the four flights of stairs to her apartment. He lifted his hand to knock, when he heard what he thought was a scream. He hesitated a second…and then he heard another scream.

It was Olivia. He swore it was.

Elliot still had her key in his hand, and he didn't hesitate using it.

"Olivia?" He yelled as he pushed his way into her apartment. He dropped the food as he rushed towards the sound of whimpering coming from her bedroom. He reached for his gun but then realized he didn't wear one anymore. It didn't slow him down. He pushed her bedroom door open, pausing to take in the room. The winter sun was setting, but it was light enough in the room to see that no one else was in the room.

Olivia was lying in bed and was clearly in the throes of a nightmare. The blankets and sheets were pushed to the side, one of her pillows were on the floor, and he saw a bloody bandage on her bare leg. Olivia was crying out, but her words were unintelligible.

Elliot rushed over to the bed, unsure of how to wake her without scaring her. "Liv." He said…his voice firm and loud. "Olivia!"

Olivia awoke with a start, and he could see the fear and confusion on her face. She yelled out and kicked at him with her legs…followed by a scream that he imagined was from pain. It happened quickly, but he pressed his hands on her shins, pressing them against the bed so she didn't hurt herself. "Olivia. It's Elliot." He said. "It's Elliot." He repeated.

"Elliot." She repeated his name.

He could tell she was half-in, half-out of her nightmare. He removed his hands from her legs, and watched as she looked around the room, trying to orient herself.

"You were having a nightmare." He said, and he watched as she looked back at him.

"Yes." She whispered, her voice groggy with sleep. Olivia furrowed her brows. "Elliot?" She asked, as if she were trying to understand if he was real, or if she was still dreaming.

"It's me." He said.

Olivia swiped her hands over her face. "I was having a bad dream…Richard White. He…he…"

Elliot sat down on the edge of the bed. "It's OK. Richard White is dead. He's not here. He can't hurt you anymore."

"I know." Olivia said, her mind clearing. "I…" She furrowed her brow. "What are you doing here?"

"I brought dinner, and I heard you yelling…so I let myself in. I thought…" He shrugged. "I didn't know what was happening."

Olivia saw Elliot's eyes trail down to her bare thighs. She suddenly felt self-conscious, realizing that not only was Elliot was sitting on the edge of her bed…but she was laying there in a t-shirt and her underwear. Olivia grabbed the sheets and tried to cover herself, but Elliot grabbed the sheet before she could.

"You're bleeding." He said. There was a large bandage on her leg, but he could tell it was saturated with blood. There was dried blood all around the wound, but a small trail was working its way down her thigh.

Olivia tried to sit up and tugged at the sheet. "It's fine."

"Bullshit." Elliot said. "What happened?"

"I fell." Olivia said. Even though it wasn't the entire truth, it wasn't a lie. She put her hand over the wound, but a sharp pain shot up her thigh and she bit back a cry.

"Olivia." Elliot said her name as he'd lost all patience with her.

Olivia slowly lifted her hand, still a little undone by the fact that Elliot was staring at her bare thighs. If she hadn't been in so much pain, she didn't know how she would have reacted to his hands on her skin…especially in these circumstances

She admonished herself for letting her mind wander there, even as she felt a flush creep into her cheeks. She tugged her t-shit down, trying to cover herself as best she could.

Elliot noted her discomfort, and her attempt at modesty, but he was focused on the bloody bandage at the moment. Not that he hadn't filed away the black lace of her underwear or the silky smoothness of her thighs. He would save those thoughts for later.

He looked up at her. "I'm going to pull off this bandage. It might hurt a bit." He apologized ahead of time. He lifted the edge with his fingernail and tried to be as gentle as he could. But some of the blood had dried, and he heard her swear under her breath as he tugged at it. "I'm sorry." He said.

"Just do it." Olivia hissed.

Elliot had it about half off, but with one swift movement, he ripped it off the rest of the way. Olivia let out a small cry, and he felt badly. But before she could make another sound, he ran into her bathroom and grabbed a towel. He wetted it down and brought it back, trying to see what was going on beneath the blood. He looked at the wound, and then back up at her. "You've ripped open some of your stitches." He said. He knew the wound had been deep, and that she probably had several layers of stitches; he couldn't be sure what damage she had done. "I'm taking you to the ER." He said decisively.

"I'm not going to the ER." Olivia said. She watched Elliot stand up and look around her room. He started whipping open drawers. "What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for some pants for you." He said, walking over to her closet. He picked up some pants but tossed them aside. He really needed some leggings or sweatpants.

"Elliot. I'm not…"

Elliot whirled around. "You are. You need someone to look at that, and you probably need more stitches." He dug through her closet. "Don't you have any sweats?"

"I'll go in the morning." Olivia argued.

Elliot closed her closet door. "Fuck it." He said. He strode over to the bed and pulled the sheet from where it had been cast aside. He handed her the towel. "Hold this against your leg." He instructed.

Olivia took the towel and did as he said. In the next instant, he had thrown the sheet over her lap and was scooping her off the bed. "Elliot! What the hell?"

"You're not walking with your leg like that." Elliot said.

"Put me down." Olivia insisted. "I'm too heavy…and your ribs." She knew that even though the cut in his arm hadn't been deep, his ribs had to be killing him.

"Grab the loose ends of the sheet. Wrap them around yourself."

Olivia didn't know what to say to make him listen to her; he clearly wasn't going to. So, she grabbed the loose end and wrapped it around herself as best as she could.

"Open the door."

"Elliot…" Olivia tried one last time, but the look in his eyes as they connected on hers told her that he wasn't going to be swayed. "Fine. I'll go to the hospital…but please put me down."

"Don't worry Liv. I've got you."


	19. Chapter 19

AN: Thanks for waiting so long for an update. I was on vacation and then had a busy week catching up. A couple of notes. 1) If you haven't read Lust, it's a new one-shot I posted right before I left. 2) I'm at my lake cabin for a week. Last year at this time, I wrote Holiday. So… I may spit out a light summer story before I finish this one. I don't usually like to do that, but I'm in the mood. I haven't decided yet. Stay tuned. And 3) Thanks for reading!

EOEOEOEO

Olivia gritted her teeth as she shifted on the hospital bed. The local they had given her was wearing off, and she felt as if someone was still sewing up her opened wounds. The doctor had not been happy as he worked on repairing the damage, commenting on the layers of stitches and sutures. Elliot had been hovering as the doctor gave her instructions for working on making progress without overdoing it. She hadn't looked at Elliot; she didn't want to see the look on his face that said he had been right about needing someone to look after her.

If he started in on that, she was going to pull out a few stories of him coming back too soon after an injury. The case involving animal trafficking popped right to the top. The man had been shot and insisted on being there to collar the perps.

But he hadn't said a word, and now he was somewhere in the hospital (she assumed), and she was waiting to be released.

It was a dicey situation, because neither Amaro or Brian knew she was back in the hospital, and she wasn't going to tell them. Which meant Elliot was going to drive her home.

She wasn't sure how she was going to get him out of her apartment after that.

Although…

He _was_ the one that had been there…had shown up…had forced her to come to the ER.

Well…maybe force was the wrong word. It was more like he didn't give her an option to say no.

Olivia bit back a groan as she lay her head back against the pillow. She was tired…so tired. Thoughts of Eliot filled her mind…in that state between waking and dreaming.

 _I want to be in your life_

 _In whatever way you'll have me_

 _I love you._

Her last thought before she fell into unconsciousness was that she didn't have the energy or will to keep pushing him away. She was giving in…despite the hurt and pain he had caused. She had no choice.

She loved him.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot watched Olivia as she slept. It was a gift to be able to watch her in such an unguarded way. He had missed her terribly…more than he'd even been able to convey. The memories were there…12 years of them flicking through his mind no matter how hard he tried to squash them. But he'd felt the images get blurry around the edges, and it had scared him.

He stared at her now, drinking in every detail. He moved closer to her bed, trying to be as quiet as possible as he traced her features with his eyes. His fingers itched to reach out…to run his fingers through her hair…across her jaw. Elliot pulled his hand back quickly when she opened her eyes.

"Hey." He said, giving her a small smile. "How're you feeling?" She'd been out cold since they'd gotten home from the hospital.

"I'm fine." Olivia said groggily, trying to clear the fog from her mind.

Elliot smiled. "Those painkillers really knocked you out."

"I guess." Olivia noticed that the room was dark, and she realized that she must have slept the afternoon away. She brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked back up at Elliot. "What time is it?"

"Almost 8."

"I told you that you didn't need to stay." Oliva said, wondering what in the hell he'd been doing for the last six hours. "Don't you have some place you need to be?"

Elliot shook his head. "Nope." He inched closer to the bed. "Are you thirsty? Or hungry?"

Olivia didn't want to admit it, but it felt like she had cotton balls in her mouth. "I can get it." She tried to push herself into a sitting position, but she let out a small gasp at the shot of pain that coursed down her thigh.

Elliot rushed over and placed a hand on her shoulder, holding her in place. "Just stay put." He didn't give her a chance to respond. He was back less than a minute later with a bottle of water and a glass of ice.

Olivia looked at the cubes of ice piled high in the glass. "I had ice?"

"No." said Elliot, shaking his head. "You had expired milk, two sad looking tomatoes, three brown bananas, three containers of yogurt and a whole pile of cookies. I took the liberty of running to the store and picking up a few things."

"You didn't have to do that." Olivia said. "I can take care of myself."

Elliot let out a sigh of frustration. "So you've said." He glanced down towards the end of the bed, near her feet. "Can I sit for a second?" He sat before she could object, being careful not to jostle it too much. "We need to get a couple of things straight." He said pointedly as she stared at him. "I've never…ever…thought you were incapable of taking care of yourself." He said evenly. "Ever."

Olivia was watching him as he spoke, but he didn't see any sort of emotion on her face.

"I always admired how fiercely independent you were." Elliot braced his hands on his knees. "I thought maybe that was why…" He felt a small moment of uncertainty, but he had promised himself he'd be honest with her if he ever had the opportunity to see her again. And so far, he had. "I thought maybe that was why things never worked out with any of the guys you dated."

Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but he held up his hand. "Now I realize…it wasn't that you wouldn't let anyone in or wouldn't let yourself rely on anyone…" His voice choked up suddenly. "I realize that you were relying on _me_." He placed the palm of his right hand on his chest. "I was the one you'd put your trust in." He emphasized the word I. "And then…" He shook his head. It was everything that had been said before. "I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere. So let me do this. Let me help you."

Olivia still felt a little groggy from the meds, but she heard Elliot clearly. She heard the earnestness in his voice. "Do you know how many times I woke up and wished that everything that happened was just a bad dream?" Her voice wasn't much more than a whisper. "But it wasn't."

"I know and I'm sorry." He wished there was something else he could say as those words just seemed so inadequate.

"I told you the other day that I was angry and that there wasn't any future for us…in any form." She said, cocking her head slightly.

Elliot nodded. He wanted to interrupt and repeat what he'd said before…because he could feel a shift. It felt like she'd made up her mind about something, and it scared him to death. But…she kept letting him in. That had to account for something. So he held his tongue.

The choice was hers.

"I keep telling myself that I don't want you here. That I've moved on and there's no place for you in my life anymore…" She looked towards the window, but the night sky was dark and heavy with clouds, and it offered no distraction. She turned her head and looked down at her hands folded in her lap. "I can't…"

Elliot felt a whisper of dread take root in his chest. And then Olivia looked up at him. He could see her eyes were glassy, as if she was keeping tears at bay. "I can't fight it." She said, shaking her head slightly. "My mind keeps telling me all the reasons why I should slam the door in your face and tell you to go fuck yourself…" Olivia pressed her lips together. Her voice was still quiet. "But I can't. I can't."

Elliot felt the knot loosen slightly.

"I should hate you." But Olivia couldn't muster the anger and resentment she'd held on to for the past year and a half. "But…it just feels right for you to be here. Like…" Olivia pressed her lips together. "Like this is where you're supposed to be." She swallowed hard. "There's still a part of me that is telling me that I shouldn't trust you but I'm so damned tired of being angry." Olivia lay her head back on her pillow and closed her eyes. All the talking and outpouring of emotion had drained her…when she didn't have much of a reserve to begin with.

"Olivia." Elliot said, resting his hand lightly on her covered leg. "I know you have no reason to believe me, but I'm telling you. I'm not going anywhere." He wanted to tell her that he loved her again, but things still seemed precarious. He wanted it all…but if friendship was the only thing in the cards, then so be it. "You can trust me."

Olivia didn't open her eyes. She didn't need to see his face to know she'd see that earnest look in his eyes and a small smile on his lips. "Famous last words." She opened her eyes then…and looked at him pointedly. "Don't make me regret this."

EOEOEOEOEO

Another day had passed, and Olivia was feeling better. However, Elliot was waiting on her hand and foot, and discouraged her every time she suggested she get up, unless it was to use the bathroom. Even then, she could tell he was trying to figure out how to make that process as easy and pain free as possible.

But now, it was almost 5 in the afternoon, and she was getting tired of laying in bed. A few minutes later, Elliot walked back in the room.

"You're awake." He said, handing her a glass of juice.

Olivia nodded. "I'm getting up. I need a shower."

"You look fine." Elliot said quickly as she started to lift the covers.

Olivia looked at him sharply. "I need s shower." She said. "And I need to start putting some weight on this leg." It was already really stiff, and even this small movement tugged at her wound.

"Do you want a repeat of what happened last time? You ripped out sutures with the way you were moving around."

"Walking around and PT didn't rip out the sutures…" She started angrily, but then she stopped abruptly.

"What?" Elliot asked. He had caught her hesitation. "What happened?"

"Nothing." Olivia said quickly.

Suddenly Elliot had an image of her and Cassidy and it pissed him off. "Did this involve Cassidy?" He asked. "Did he? Was he?" He shook his head. "Christ…you were stabbed for Chrissakes and he can't keep it in his pants?"

Olivia pushed her hand against Elliot's arm…he had gotten a lot closer to her in his effort to keep her in bed. "That's not what happened! It was an accident."

Elliot furrowed his brow. "What was an accident?"

"Elliot." Olivia said in an annoyed voice. "It doesn't matter. The point is…it wasn't just from walking around, and it's not going to happen again."

Elliot knew Cassidy was behind this, but Olivia's tone told him that she wasn't going to reveal any other information. That was fine. He'd grill Cassidy himself, and then tell him off for being such as asshole. "Speaking of Cassidy…"

"We weren't." Olivia said, grimacing slightly as she tried to swing her legs off the bed.

"Where the hell has he been?" Elliot really didn't want him around, but if _he_ was Olivia's boyfriend, he sure as hell would be here, taking care of her. But Cassidy hadn't made an appearance.

"He's working."

"He doesn't think he should be here?"

"I didn't say that." Olivia shot him a dirty look. "I told him that I was fine, and that I didn't need him here."

Elliot let out a breath through pursed lips, trying to hide his annoyance.

"You want him here?" Olivia asked. "Because I could call him…"

"No." Elliot said, realizing the contradictory nature of his words. "I'm just saying…"

"Just help me up please." Olivia said, holding out her arm and changing the subject. She didn't want to talk about Brian, and she didn't like Elliot's irritation and accusations. "I have to use the bathroom."

"You know that I could just carry you." Elliot offered, for about the fourth time.

"Don't you dare. And don't offer again." Olivia gritted her teeth as Elliot pulled her into a standing position. She felt his arm slide around her waist and she held her slightly, so she wasn't putting all her weight on her legs. She wanted to tell him that she could stand by herself, but something kept her from saying the words.

"Let me at least help a little." Elliot said, and he walked with her into the bathroom."

EOEOEOEOEO

"Need anything?"

Olivia hard Elliot yell through the bathroom door and she couldn't help but smile. He was being so overbearing that it bordered on annoying, but she had to admit that his concern was endearing. She turned off the water and pulled back the curtain. "I'm fine." She yelled out.

Getting into the tub had been hard, and now getting out was going to be even harder. But she braced herself and put her weight on her good leg and made it out without too much pain. But she was definitely going to need another painkiller soon.

Olivia toweled as much water out of her hair as possible and brushed her teeth. It was amazing just how much little things like a shower made her feel so much better. Elliot had found a clean white cami and t-shirt for her, and a pair of loose gray sweats, but she was thankful that he hadn't pawed through her underwear drawer. That just seemed too…intimate. She had managed that on her own.

When she was finally dressed, she opened the bathroom door, and saw Elliot sitting on the edge of her bed. "See? Good as new." She stood in place, so he wouldn't see her limp or grimace.

Elliot raised an eyebrow, as if he didn't believe her. "Did you put a new bandage over the wound?" He asked.

"Not yet." She had taped plastic over it for the shower, and just pulling that off her skin had been enough. "I need a painkiller first." She said, and seconds later, Elliot was there, wrapping his arm around her waist to support her.

"You should have said something earlier." He chastised, and then realized how it sounded. "I'm sorry…"

Olivia smiled. "It's fine." She looked up at him and smiled. "It's nice to have someone looking out for me." She could feel the relief in Elliot's body as he held her next to his…and she bit back another smile. It _was_ nice to have someone worry over her and take care of her. It had been a long time. "So…I don't suppose you've whipped up some dinner?" She asked as he helped her over to the bed.

"Now someone's pushing their luck." He said jokingly as he helped her sit on the bed.

"You said I could rely on you." Olivia shot back with a smile. Then she adopted a serious tone. "But if dinner's too much to ask…I suppose I could call…"

Elliot leaned over, bracing his hands on his thighs and looking directly into her eyes. "Don't even say it." He said in a mock menacing tone, wondering who's name she was going to utter.

"I just don't want to be a burden." She looked up at him through her eyelashes, and she had to admit, it felt good to be bantering back and forth with Elliot. She could barely believe it…or the grin that spread across his face.

"You're a burden all right." He joked. "But I'm used to it. I've been carrying you for years." He laughed then and moved quickly out of range as Olivia swatted at him. He felt a huge weight lift then, and he knew that somehow, they were going to work things out between them. By the grace of God, she had decided to give him a chance, and he was going to make the most of it.


	20. Chapter 20

Elliot smiled when he saw an incoming text from Olivia. She had been good about keeping in touch with him since she had gently pushed him out of her apartment the day after the visit to the ER. He had made dinner and was ready to spend another night camped out on her couch, when she had thanked him for everything he'd done, but told him she needed a little space. He had wanted to protest, but the expression on her face told him that she wasn't going to change her mind. There was a softness in her voice though, that let him know that she wasn't pushing him away…that he didn't need to worry.

 _I just need a little space El. I'll be fine._

He had agreed as soon as he got her to promise that if anything else happened…if she needed anything…he would be her first call.

Olivia had nodded and told him she'd stay in touch.

Elliot really hadn't expected to hear from her for a few days or maybe even longer. Yet, she had texted him a couple of times each day, just checking in. The notes were never anything of consequence, and he didn't pry too deeply into what she was doing, but he enjoyed the banter between them.

Elliot opened the latest text message.

 _Are you free for dinner? I owe you._

Hell yes, he was free for dinner. He hadn't seen her for three days, but it seemed much longer. Elliot answered her back right away, telling her that she didn't owe him for anything but that he'd be glad to meet her.

 _If you don't let me buy, then we're not going._

Damn, stubborn woman. He smiled as he sent her a reply, acquiescing to her demand that she was buying. They could sort it out at the restaurant. He asked her for the time and the place, and if she needed a ride.

 _Wolfgangs. 8PM. I'll meet you there._

Elliot was surprised by her choice. Wolfgang's was a well know steakhouse. A very expensive steakhouse. He didn't know if he'd ever seen Olivia eat a steak. She barely ate burgers. Of course, they had other options, but you didn't go to a place like Wolfgang's to order a salad.

He messaged her back. _That seems pretty high-end. Do you even eat steak?_

Her reply back was quick. _Are you going to meet me or not?_

Elliot chuckled to himself at her impatience. He could imagine her rolling her eyes at his message. _I'll be there._

 _That's what I thought. And NO t-shirts or jeans._

Elliot smiled when he saw the message, and a smiley emoji at the end of it. Who was this person texting him? The Olivia he knew didn't use emojis.

But one thing he knew for sure now.

Things change.

Just as Olivia had said.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot was sitting across from Olivia, and he couldn't take his eyes off her. Neither could several men in the restaurant. He honestly couldn't blame them. He had arrived before she did, and when she walked in the door, she had stolen his breath away. She had shrugged off her coat just inside the doorway to reveal a simple cream-colored dress. The color made her skin look amazingly dark, and it hugged every curve of her body. The V in front showed just enough cleavage, and the hemline ended right above her knee, showing lots of bare leg. Her hair fell loosely in waves around her shoulders, her eyes were dark, and her lips perfectly glossed. She looked glamorous…exotic. She caught his eye and smiled at him and he saw a small blush on her cheeks and a knowing look on her face.

She had dressed this way for him, and she liked his reaction.

And now…they were sitting across from each other at a small, intimate table, drinking wine. He hadn't seen her for three days, but it was definitely worth the wait. He was in heaven.

"Your leg has to be healing pretty well if you were able to wear heels." Elliot commented.

"I've been listening to doctor's orders and doing my PT. It hurts a little, but it doesn't seem to matter if I'm wearing heels or running shows, so I thought, what the hell."

Olivia continued to fill him in on her follow-up care, and on her trip to the precinct to go through some final interviews about what happened with White. "It looks like nothings going to come of it." Olivia said, having noted that they had to be sure he'd actually killed himself. "No one is crying over White's death." Olivia said.

Elliot had never questioned Olivia's version of what happened and had been surprised to hear there was even an inquiry. But he knew it was standard procedure.

"Least of all me." Olivia said, taking another sip of wine. She saw Elliot nod in agreement, and she smiled. She had picked this restaurant purposefully tonight, as she had wanted an excuse to dress up a little. It had been a long time…especially since Brian never wanted to go anywhere other than a sports bar. She was glad she had made the choice because Elliot had taken things up a notch. There was no 5 o'clock shadow, meaning he had shaved this afternoon. He was wearing black trousers, and a shirt of the most amazing blue. It fit him well, accentuating his broad shoulders and the lines of his arms, and she liked the fact that he had cuffed the sleeves a little. It wasn't too formal. He looked damned good. And that shirt with his eyes…she felt a small flutter in her stomach as her eyes met his. "So…" Olivia started. "I broke things off with Cassidy."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She didn't know why she was telling him this, but he'd been privy to almost every other break-up in her life, so why not this one?

Because this time…he's told you that he loves you. And you've told him the same.

"Brian is a nice guy." Olivia continued, feeling the need to defend him before Elliot could start in on him. "He cares about me."

"He's been head over heels with you since you started at SVU."

"That's an exaggeration." Olivia said…unsure if it actually was. "But…we reconnected at a time when…" She didn't finish her sentence. She had explained all of this to Elliot before.

"He was a distraction." Elliot said.

Olivia looked down at the wine in her glass and swirled it around a little. She would like to believe he was more than that because if he wasn't, she would have to admit she was just using him to fill a void.

She realized she couldn't deny it.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess. But he treated me really well. It's nice to have someone…"

"I bet he wasn't too happy when you broke things off." Elliot said.

Olivia pressed her lips together, remembering the scene with Brian. He hadn't seemed shocked and blamed the timing on Elliot's appearance back in her life. She tried to deny it, but he saw right through her. He took every opportunity to remind her of how shabbily Elliot had treated her…that she couldn't trust him…that Elliot was going to hurt her again.

Olivia hadn't argued with him…hadn't defended Elliot or his actions. She had let him vent…listened to his threats that if he walked, he was gone for good.

In the end, they had both sat on opposite ends of her couch in silence. Brian seemed to realize she had made up her mind, and she remembered the defeated look on his face. _I'm sorry Brian, but I don't have any more of myself to give._ He had given her a tight-lipped smile and pushed himself up off the couch. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, and then he was gone _._

For a second, she had considered going after him. She thought about telling him that she'd made a mistake.

Life with Brian would be safe. Simple.

She could be happy.

But in the end…she didn't.

Her heart wasn't in it.

Olivia turned her attention back to Elliot. "He wasn't surprised. But no, he wasn't happy."

"I bet he had a few things to say about me." Elliot said.

Olivia shook her head. "This was between Brian and me. It didn't have anything to do with you." Olivia lied, but she could tell by the look on his face that he didn't believe her. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just…" _Thought you should know._ That seemed like the wrong thing to say. "Well, I'm just keeping you updated."

Elliot smirked at the odd end to her sentence. "Well…thanks for keeping me updated."

The waiter arrived to refill their waters, and their discussion was interrupted briefly. Olivia was glad, because it broke the slight build-up of tension.

Elliot toyed with the stem of his own wine glass as he stared at Olivia. "Well, now that you're a single woman, I guess I can tell you how absolutely beautiful you look tonight." He leaned in. "Not just beautiful…" He said in a hushed voice. "Absolutely gorgeous." His comment brought about the desired blush, and he noticed that she actually looked down shyly. He wondered if the wine had anything to do with it.

Olivia had certainly been on the receiving end of compliments before, but for some reason, hearing Elliot say those words made her heart skip a beat. She hadn't expected to have that reaction; she had told herself that she was going to take thing slowly with Elliot and see where things led. She took a deep breath and looked back up at Elliot, giving him a small smile. "Thank you." She said, trying to appear cool and collected.

"You act surprised to hear me tell you that you're beautiful." Elliot said. He knew they had never said things like that to each other before, but he also knew that Olivia's choice of dress, hair and make-up hadn't been thoughtless.

"I…" She didn't know how to respond to his compliment, or his comment. "We don't…" This entire conversation seemed littered with potential landmines.

Elliot leaned forward. "Liv. I've always thought you were the most amazingly beautiful woman I'd ever met, but it wasn't appropriate for me to tell you that." He leaned back again slightly. "But I should have." He scrubbed his hand across his chin. "I told you…things are different now. I swore…" He shook his head. "I told you that I was going to be honest with you from this point forward, and that means telling you the things I've always wanted to tell you." He could see Olivia shifting slightly in her seat, as if she were uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. "If it will make you feel better, you can tell me how devastatingly handsome I look tonight." He joked, trying to put her at ease.

Olivia laughed lightly. "You look devastatingly handsome tonight."

"Thank you." Elliot said, giving her a devilish smile.

The discussion was interrupted with the waiter delivering their meals. But the whole time they were eating, Elliot noticed that Olivia couldn't keep a smile off her face.

EOEOEOEOEO

The winter evening had been mild, and Olivia had suggested a short walk after dinner. Elliot had been surprised, since her legs were bare, and she was wearing heels. But the sidewalks were clear, and he offered her his arm as they left the restaurant. The cold night air felt good after such a big meal and a bottle of wine, and he loved the fact that Olivia had slipped her arm into his and was holding on with the other.

They didn't talk of anything important…they just seemed to enjoy the night air and the noises of the city. They had walked several blocks when Elliot spotted a small coffee shop. "You want some dessert and coffee?" He patted her hand. "Warm you up a little?"

Olivia shook her head. "I think I'd rather just walk." They walked along in silence for another couple of blocks before she spoke. "I just wanted to tell you that tonight was really nice."

Elliot laughed lightly. "Is this where you tell me that I'm a great guy, but you don't see things working out for us?" He joked…as he imagined her saying those very same words to many men who were hoping for a second date with her.

Olivia swatted at his arm. "I was being serious." She said. "It was nice to just go out to dinner, like normal people and have a normal conversation where there wasn't any talk of victims or perps or crime scenes."

Elliot wanted to mention that technically, they had talked about White and the aftermath of what had happened, but he smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean." They'd eaten hundreds of meals together over the course of their partnership, but it was almost always on the job…and when it wasn't, it was with other people.

Olivia stopped then, and Elliot was forced to stop with her. He turned to face her and saw a look of uncertainty on her face. "What's wrong?"

Olivia looked into his eyes…her heels making up for the difference in height. She pressed her lips together, trying to put her thoughts and emotions into words, but failing miserably.

"Just tell me." Elliot said, resting his hands lightly on her upper arms. He hated seeing the troubled look on her face.

"I don't know what I'm doing." Olivia said, her voice shaking slightly.

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked, unsure of what she meant.

"This…us…" Olivia waved a hand between them. "I feel so…I don't know what I want to happen."

Elliot didn't know what to do with that statement. He hadn't been pushing her…at least he didn't think so. He had flirted a little tonight, but honestly, she was the one that had suggested dinner…had shown up dressed to the nines. How did she expect him to react? "You don't have to make some kind of decision Liv. I thought we were going to just take each day as it comes."

"I know I said that." Olivia felt warm all of a sudden, and she didn't know if it was the wine or Elliot's proximity. "I'm standing here with you, and I'm telling myself that we can figure this out…that we can figure out how to be friends and spend time together but…"

"We can Liv. We will." He was starting to panic a little because she was shaking her head and he didn't know when things had taken a turn for the worse. Olivia had dropped her head slightly. He put two fingers beneath her chin and lifted her head until she was looking at him in the eyes. "We will." He repeated.

"You don't understand." Olivia said breathlessly, staring into his eyes as people moved around them on the sidewalk. She took a deep breath as he furrowed his brow, trying to make sense of what she was saying. "I'm telling myself all these things, but really…the only thing I can think about right now is how much I want you to kiss me."


	21. Chapter 21

Elliot heard the words come out of Olivia's mouth, but he couldn't wrap his head around them.

This had to be some kind of test. Was the good Lord messing with him in some way? He had expected months ahead of them…trying to work through the pain and uncertainty…before he could even conceive of getting to this point.

And now she was asking him to kiss her?

Now?

He must have heard her wrong…

But there she was…looking at him with those big, beautiful brown eyes…

Waiting…

He inhaled a shaky breath.

He had thought about kissing Olivia so many times…more times than he could even count. But right now, he was nervous as hell.

"Liv…" he whispered, hearing the shakiness in his own voice.

 _What the hell was his problem?_

But then Olivia was taking a step backwards, confusion masking her face. "I'm sorry. I thought…" She broke eye contact with him then and looked down at her feet. "I told you…I don't know what I'm doing. Just forget it." She was embarrassed. She had been completely honest with Elliot when she said she didn't know what she was doing anymore. He was obviously shocked by her request and she knew he was probably struggling with this abrupt 180 she'd done. She thought she had been pretty clear that she was tired of harboring anger. She had told him that she'd broken things off with Cassidy.

How many more signals did the man need?

Maybe he _did_ just want to be friends…

It hadn't sounded like that to her, but maybe she'd only heard what she wanted to hear.

"I'm just going to grab a cab…" Olivia said, pivoting away from Elliot and moving towards the street.

Elliot came to his senses then, and he reached out and caught her arm. "Olivia." He said softly, grateful that she didn't pull away. "Come here." He tugged her back to him gently until her back was pressed against him, and he wrapped his free arm around her waist. "You're not going anywhere." He whispered as he nuzzled her neck with his face.

He turned her around slowly and cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look up at him. He could see the flush of embarrassment on her cheeks and the objection on her lips, but he didn't want to hear it. He leaned in and kissed her gently…a mere brush of his lips against hers. He heard her exhale lightly…and then he was pressing his mouth to hers. Slow, gentle kisses…relishing the softness of her lips…the taste of her.

Olivia parted her lips slightly…barely able to believe that Elliot was kissing her. The first touch…the first taste of him…sent a myriad of butterflies fluttering through her body. And then he was tilting her head, deepening the kiss, and she slid her hands up to pull him closer.

Elliot could hear people moving around them…the cars on the street and the buzz of the city…but it was all distant. He was lost in this moment…here and now…it was just he and Olivia…locked in an embrace that he would remember forever. He felt connected in a way he never had before.

This was real.

This was right.

Olivia belonged in his arms and he'd never felt such powerful emotions as the ones coursing through his body at this moment.

Elliot dropped one hand from her face and grasped her waist, trying to pull her body closer to his. He could feel her trembling slightly and he knew she was feeling the same way he was.

In the next instant, she was pushing at his chest lightly and she broke the kiss, taking in a deep breath. She dropped her forehead against his chest. "El…" She gasped out…her heart beating a mile a minute. She had imagined kissing Elliot a million times before, but she hadn't been prepared for the intensity.

"I know." Elliot was pressing his face into her hair…placing gentle kisses on the crown of her head.

"Get a room." Someone yelled as they walked past, and the intensity of the moment was broken. But it was a much-needed distraction, and Olivia took a step backwards and laughed lightly.

Elliot saw a renewed flush in her cheeks, and he wondered if it was embarrassment at the comment, or if he was responsible for it. He liked to think it was him. "Maybe that's not a bad idea." He joked, but then he felt like an ass. "I don't mean that…I…"

Olivia put her hand on Elliot's chest. "Relax." She said. Although just a moment ago, she'd had the very same thoughts. "I know I'm confusing the hell out of you."

"You're not." Elliot said quickly. Then he saw the skeptical look on Olivia's face. "Well, maybe just a little. I was just a little surprised when you said…" He held out his hand. "Well…you know."

"When I asked you to kiss me?"

"Yeah."

"Me too." Olivia said. She ran her hand back and forth across Elliot's chest a few times. Something she had never done before…would have never done before. She moved her eyes back up to his. "I'm tired of coloring inside the lines El. Everyone is telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing, including myself, and I'm done listening to that. It hasn't worked all these years. For either of us."

Elliot was listening intently, knowing how hard this was for her.

"I might end up regretting this, but I've already had a year and a half without you. And I was miserable. So maybe we have to give this a shot. In the end, at least we'll know. It's better than wondering what if…" Olivia waited but Elliot didn't respond right away, and she was worried she'd made another step in the wrong direction. "El?"

"I…" He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm just…I'm trying to process what you've just said because I can't believe it I guess. You have absolutely no reason to give me another chance at friendship much less…" He stumbled on his words, because what was she offering? "a chance at something more."

Olivia watched a grin cross his face and she was happy that he understood what she was so clumsily trying to tell him. "Something more?" She teased, trying to lighten the moment.

"Well…" He shifted on his feet. "I don't know exactly where this is headed or what you're thinking." If it were up to him, he'd put a ring on her finger and walk her down the aisle, but he was fairly certain she wasn't ready for that yet.

"I don't know either." Olivia said. "And I don't want to put all these rules and labels in place right now. I wasn't even sure this was the right thing to do until…"

Elliot saw her blush slightly. "Until what?"

"Nothing." Olivia said, looking away. The man had an ego that wouldn't quit. She wasn't about to tell him that she she'd felt that kiss all the way down to the tips of her toes.

"Until I kissed you?" he asked.

Olivia heard only gentleness in his voice. No ego…no posturing.

Elliot leaned in, resting his hands on her hips and pulling her closer. "I've dreamed about kissing you so many times." He whispered. "But that all paled in comparison to actually doing it. _Christ_ Liv." He said with emphasis. "I felt that kiss _everywhere._ "

Elliot wrapped his arms around her and they stood that way for a moment, until he felt Olivia shiver. "C'mon." he said, loosening his grip. "Let's get you home."

The were both quiet on the taxi ride to Olivia's apartment, and she assumed he was thinking through everything that had transpired tonight just as she was.

Three weeks ago, she would never have expected to be sitting in a cab after a night out with Elliot. She would never had thought she would have kissed Elliot!

She was certain the same thoughts were running through his head.

Olivia shut down the nagging voice in the back of her brain. The one that told her she could get hurt…again.

 _No pain, no gain._

The jingle jumped into her head and she almost laughed out loud. That certainly wasn't a slogan she wanted to base a relationship on. Potential relationship.

Elliot heard Olivia's slight laugh. "What's so funny?"

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing."

"Share." Elliot said. "Remember. We're going for that whole honesty thing."

"I'm just trying to get out of my own head." She said.

Elliot reached over in the space between them and found her hand. He covered it with his, tangling their fingers. "Take a deep breath. I'm not going anywhere Olivia." He squeezed lightly.

Elliot saw her look out the window of the cab, and he knew she was still mulling over everything. She wouldn't be Olivia if she didn't. Still…he wanted to ease her mind a little…ease the tension. "So…just so I'm clear, what are the rules on kissing?"

Olivia turned back towards him quickly. "What do you mean rules?" She asked, seeing the smile on his face and appreciating the distracting conversation.

"Can I kiss you whenever I want?" He asked innocently. "Because I need a lot more kissing." He didn't give her a chance to respond. "And was this a first date? Or do the first 12 years count for something?"

"Why are you counting dates?" Olivia teased, arching an eyebrow at him. "Are you already thinking about how to get me into bed?" As soon as she said it, she wondered if she'd gone too far. But she was rewarded with a huge laugh.

"Oh Liv…" Eliot shook his head. "If you only knew." He leaned in towards her. "I've been thinking about that for years."

Elliot expected her to take a swat at him or put him in his place, but was surprised when a small, mischievous smile graced her lips.

"Same."

Elliot felt a warmth spread through him at the sultry depth of her voice and the look on her face.

Well. Damn.

 _Point. Match_. Benson.

EOEOEOEOEOEO

Elliot insisted on walking Olivia up to her apartment, and Olivia wasn't going to argue with him. However, she wasn't sure what he expected when they got there. Which was absolutely ridiculous because she knew he didn't expect a damn thing.

The real problem was that he was going to kiss her, and she didn't trust herself not to drag him into her apartment and throw him on to her bed. She felt her own body react to the very thought of it, and she tried to calm herself the hell down before she made an absolute fool of herself.

When they reached the door, she turned awkwardly to face him. "Well…thanks for dinner."

Elliot wanted to laugh. Olivia actually seemed nervous. It gave his ego a little boost. He braced his hand against the doorframe and gave her a smile. "How many first dates have you been on Liv? I would think you'd have this routine down pat."

Olivia rolled her eyes at him. "Well, for one thing. This isn't a first date. And for another thing…there is no routine." Sometimes she brushed them off before they ever got to the door…sometimes it ended in a kiss…and sometimes she let them in. Elliot would probably would have killed her long ago if she had ever shared that little fact with him. She could hear it now. _You let a strange man into your apartment._

"Point taken." Elliot said. It seemed odd to be lingering outside of her doorway, when he'd been in her apartment so many times before. Just a few days ago, he was sleeping on her couch. "Well, I'm going to do my part. I had a wonderful time tonight, and I'd like to take you out again." He flipped his hand and ran the back of it lightly down her cheek while he eyed her lips. "And if there's no objection, I'd like to kiss you good night."

Olivia reached up and placed her hand over his. "There's no objection." She said quietly, looking into the blue of his eyes.

Elliot leaned in and captured her lips, trying hard not to press his body against hers. The heat that had washed through him before returned with a vengeance, and he almost moaned when she opened her mouth to him. He slid his tongue between her lips…tangling with hers. He heard a small moan escape from her throat and he willed his mind to focus and his hands to stay put.

But God…he wanted….

Olivia knew now what it meant to be weak in the knees. Elliot was kissing her with such intensity that her body was lost in the sensation. It was gentle yet demanding…almost possessive. He had one hand on her waist as he pinned her to the door, and it was only moments before she found herself wishing he would press his firm body against hers.

Elliot released her mouth and pressed small kisses down her cheek…her jawline…her neck. She was silently urging him on, knowing that they shouldn't take things any farther. It was too soon.

But God…she wanted him.

Elliot dropped his forehead against her neck, and they both tried to regain the breath.

Elliot didn't know if it was years of pent-up sexual frustration that was causing this kind of reaction…but right now, kissing her was dangerous. "Liv…" he almost moaned against her skin. "I have to go or…" He couldn't even finish his sentence. He lifted his head…separated his body from hers…and looked at her. She was breathing just as heavily as he was, and her skin was flushed.

At least he was having the same impact on her as she was on him.

He leaned in and captured her lips once more, and then turned and walked away. He didn't dare look back. His self-control was in tatters right now…and he needed to slow things down.

They were doing this on her terms.

Once again…the choice was hers.


	22. Chapter 22

Olivia couldn't sleep. She replayed their kisses again and again, until her body ached with need. She could still feel his lips against hers…feel his hands against her skin. Taste him.

She moaned and changed positions for the tenth time.

She didn't know why they had stopped at her front door. They were both adults. They knew who they were and what they wanted.

Images of them, their naked bodies tangled together, assaulted her…and she moaned again.

Olivia sat up in bed, knowing she wasn't going to sleep. Her bare feet were soundless across the carpet as she made her way into the kitchen to get some water. She let the cool liquid trickle down her throat and then she braced her arms against the counter, taking deep breaths.

She wondered if Elliot would have come into her apartment if she had asked him. He was the one that had put on the brakes, and she knew he was thinking of her…he was trying to take things slowly. She thought about their walk, and her sudden need to kiss him. He had really been thrown off…surprised. She hadn't been lying when she said she was just as surprised as he was.

But she couldn't explain it any better than she had.

She had waited…they had danced around the subject of their mutual attraction for years…moving dangerously close to their self-mandated boundaries many times…but never crossing it. The only thing that came out of it was a few uttered sentences about what was between them…and betrayals.

She realized now that had been so angry about his leaving her, but she had left him…twice.

Maybe that's why it had been so hard to hold on to her anger.

Maybe she understood…at some level…why he had done it.

But damn it…she had meant it when she told Elliot that she was sick of following the rules. It hadn't gotten either one of them anywhere. So why not take their shot?

She hadn't been sure until he had kissed her.

In that kiss she had felt the desire…the passion…the raw, physical _need_.

God, she was getting herself all worked up again.

Maybe she should call him. Ask him to come over.

Those thoughts lead back to her original question…would he come over or would he deny her? Was he intent on taking things slowly or was he just trying to let her set the pace?

Olivia groaned, wondering why all of this had to be so complicated. None of the relationships she'd had in the past, if you could call them that, had ever been this way.

Love complicated things.

Olivia pushed herself off the counter and made her way back into her bedroom. She slid onto the bed and pulled the covers over her bare legs. Her phone was on the nightstand and she snagged it, looking at the time.

2AM.

Elliot had left her place around 10. He was probably asleep.

But then she remembered the look on his face and the hunger in his eyes, and she thought he was probably in pretty much the same state she was in.

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard, and then she started a text message to him. She wrote a bunch of different messages, erasing each one, before she tossed the phone down on the bed.

This was ridiculous.

She had texted him hundreds of times in the past. Why was this so hard?

Her mind supplied an answer right away.

Because now you _know._

Her screen lit up and startled her. She saw a message pop up and she smiled when she saw it was from Elliot. The message consisted of a single word.

 _Hey._

Now she didn't feel so silly.

 _Hey._ She answered back. She certainly wasn't going to win a Pulitzer for her witty remarks. She could see he was typing but his reply didn't come for a full minute. She wondered if he was having the same issues she was having with what to say.

 _I can't sleep._

 _Me either._ Olivia replied, smiling. Apparently, he was as worked up as she was. She decided to tease him a little. _My leg is bothering me. Shouldn't have worn those heels_. She couldn't keep the smile off her face as she hit send.

 _Oh._

Elliot's reply came back quickly, and she could almost hear the disappointment in that one little word. That hadn't been what he had wanted to hear. She replied back quickly. _I'm just teasing you. It's fine really._ Then she added something before she could change her mind. _Want to see?_

Olivia didn't wait for his answer. She pulled the covers back, baring her legs. She looked down at her thigh…the healing skin covered by no more than a Band-Aid now. It really was just fine. Olivia positioned the camera so it caught the skin colored bandage high up on her thigh…angling it so it caught the edge of her t-shirt where it rested at the very top of her thigh. She was just about to hit send when his reply came back.

 _Sure. Just to make sure you're OK._

She hit send and waited, hardly able to believe she had sent them to him. A full minute had passed, and he didn't respond. Olivia didn't know what to think. Maybe she had made a mistake. But then she could see he was typing a response.

 _Can't see it very well._

Olivia lifted an eyebrow; Elliot was ratcheting things up and it surprised her. She didn't know he had it in him. She ran her tongue against her bottom lip and then bit down, thinking about her next move. She lifted up the edge of her t-shirt, turning the camera to capture the edge of her white lace underwear…the underwear she had worn tonight…just in case. She took the photo and studied it for a second, making sure she wasn't revealing too much. But she could only see the edge of white and a flash of inner thigh…and her bandage off on the edge of the photo. She added the photo to her reply message. _Better?_ She hit send.

A heat had spread across her lower belly, thinking about Elliot opening that message. She thought about him lying there in bed, and she wondered if he slept naked. She wondered what was going through his mind in that moment…

His reply came a full minute later, and she had images of him touching her on the screen…zooming in. _Much. But I think you can do better._

 _Jesus._ Olivia sucked in a breath. She didn't do this…she knew all the trouble people got into sending sexy photos of themselves. And yet…

She wondered if he was hard and she tried to imagine what Elliot looked like naked. Sure, she'd seen his bare chest and arms. That was always enough to send her heart soaring. The muscles on that man were ridiculous. With that swagger and that ego, he had to have something to brag about, and she found herself tightening her thighs at the thought. She closed her eyes and imagined the deep V of muscles at his hips…his erection long and hard…

Christ…she was wet just thinking about it.

She realized Elliot was still waiting for her response. Olivia considered the possibilities, but then lifted her shirt. She propped up her legs slightly, pressing her thighs together. The small patch of white lace was stark against her skin, and she took a photo before she could even second guess herself. She looked at it critically, seeing a bit of skin on her abdomen, the white material and her thighs. She considered deleting it, but quickly added it to the message and hit send.

As soon as she sent it…her mind turned once again to Elliot's reaction. She opened up the camera again, and set up the same shot, but this time, she slipped two fingers beneath the very edge of the lace and took another photo, sending it without comment.

Elliot got the photo from Olivia, scarcely able to believe she'd sent it. All this teasing had made his blood rush south, and he had a hell of a hard-on. But this photo. _Christ._ She was trying to kill him. He imagined kissing his way up those thighs and pulling that lace down those long legs.

And then another photo came across and he felt another rush of heat through his body. He couldn't stop focusing on her fingers, sliding beneath the lace. He wondered if she had continued after she had snapped the photo. If she was giving herself some much-needed relief at this very moment. He throbbed at the thought of it…he was in physical pain. He knew he needed to respond, but he was unable to put a string of thoughts together. His mind was accosted with photos of a naked Olivia, writhing beneath the sheets…moans slipping from her lips.

Then another message crossed the screen.

 _Your turn._

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia woke up, happy to have had at least a few hours of sleep. She was glad she didn't have to work, because she'd only had a few hours of sleep. Her cheeks flushed at the memory of her exchanges with Elliot, and she made a mental note to delete the photos he'd sent…and to tell him to delete the ones she had sent to him. She knew they wouldn't disappear forever…nothing digital ever did…but she wanted to reduce the risk as much as she could.

Not that his or her face was in any of them.

Olivia opened her phone, perusing through the photos he'd sent. The last one…the sheet low on his hips and his obvious erection…that one had put her over the edge last night.

Olivia slammed the messaging app closed. If she kept looking at those, she'd never get out of bed this morning.

She and Elliot had made plans for meet for a late breakfast. While she was jumping in the shower, she couldn't help wondering if it would be awkward to see him this morning. Their relationship had definitely turned sexual, and while both of them might have harbored those kind of thoughts and feelings over the years, last night had taken it to a whole other level.

It was the best orgasm she'd had in a long time, and he'd never even touched her.

Olivia was out of the shower and had finished her hair and make-up when she heard her phone buzzing. She turned her attention from picking out something to wear to the phone on her nightstand. She saw Elliot's name on the screen, and she answered it with a smile.

"Hey." She said softly.

"What? No Benson?" He asked, teasing her about the way in which she usually answered the phone.

"It's Detective Benson to you." She said, giving it right back to him. Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed and held the phone between her ear and her shoulder as she tried to slip on her underwear. "I supposed you're going to tell me that you're running late because you overslept." She teased.

"Um…Liv."

Olivia grabbed the phone with her hand and sat up, leaving her underwear dangling at her ankles. The tone of her voice told her that he was about to say something she wasn't going to like. She didn't respond.

"Kathy called…"

Kathy. That was a name she didn't want to hear right now.

"Listen. Eli woke up with a fever and she has to go to work…" Elliot said. "I know we had plans, but I have to go…"

"Home." Olivia added to the end of his sentence. Of course, he would go home. That's what he did.

"Not home Liv." He knew she was busy reading between the lines. "To take care of Eli." Olivia wasn't responding, and he was desperate for her to hear what he was saying. "Liv."

"It's fine Elliot." Olivia didn't know why she expected things to be any different. Kathy called, and Elliot went running home. She hadn't bothered to dig into the details of his married or divorced life…and looking back on that now…that was probably her first mistake. She almost laughed out loud, wondering if Kathy had some kind of radar that told her when she and Elliot got too close…so she could call and reel him back in.

"Olivia. Don't do this. You know I wouldn't cancel on you if I had a choice."

There was a part of Olivia's brain that new she was being unreasonable. Eli was sick…Elliot's kids always came first. As they should. But the irrational, emotional part of her brain told her that it was all just so conveniently timed. "I understand."

Elliot heard the robotic tone in her voice. "Liv." He was frustrated because he didn't have any options. He had to go to Queens. Eli needed him. He was just going to have to work harder to prove to Olivia that he was here to stay. That there was nothing between him and Kathy except their kids. "I'm sorry. I have to go. But I'll call you once I get Eli settled."

Olivia hung up the phone without responding, feeling numb. She should have been more careful…she shouldn't have been so trusting. She had said that knowing was better than what if's.

But now she wasn't so sure.


	23. Chapter 23

AN: Here's another kind of short update. I was surprised at the reaction to the last chapter. I guess I shouldn't have mixed in the sexting and then the next morning. Left everyone on edge, when I wanted everyone to be happy that they had ratcheted things up a notch! Oh well…lesson learned. Thanks for reading!

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot fumed about Olivia's reaction all the way to Queens. The fact that traffic was a nightmare and that Kathy called to ask him where he was didn't help the situation.

He found he was muttering to himself, alternating with curses at other drivers on the road. He just didn't know how Olivia could question his intentions after everything he had told…after last night. She should know that he wouldn't ever kiss her like that…much less send her less than appropriate photos as he had…if he had any intention of going back to his wife.

She _knew_ him for Chrissakes.

An image of her face popped into his mind. One afternoon in the courthouse, when he told he Kathy was pregnant, and he was moving home. She had tried to mask her surprise, but there had been something else. _Devastation._

He recognized it because he felt the same way himself.

At the time, he had thought that maybe they could get past everything that had happened between them. He had gone home to Kathy one difficult night, and the next day, had realized that it wasn't where he was meant to be.

 _Eli._ He certainly didn't regret his son. He never would. But sometimes, he had wondered what if…

He knew that it was probably that very moment that had sprung into Olivia's mind this morning. But he was going home to take care of his sick son. Not to see Kathy.

Home…

Maybe he should stop calling it that. He hadn't lived there in over a year. Was that part of the problem? Did he still act like he had one foot in Queens and one in Manhattan? Olivia was perceptive; she would have picked up on that.

He shook his head, still talking to himself. No. He'd been pretty clear with her that this part of his life was over. He and Kathy were only co-parenting. That was it.

Elliot needed to talk to her before she had more time to stew about this. Before she did something irrational. Christ, what if she called Cassidy and told him to come over?

Suddenly, he couldn't get that thought out of his head and he felt like he needed to call her ASAP. But he was pulling up to his house…Kathy's house…in Queens. He saw her waiting by the door and he knew she was impatient to leave.

"Hey Kath. Sorry. Traffic was a bitch."

"It's fine Elliot. I'm just glad you get be here today. Eli was up early, complaining that he didn't feel well. I gave him some Tylenol and he went back to sleep, but he's still running a slight temp this morning. I just thought it was best if he stayed home." She gave him a small smile. "I hope you didn't have anything going on today."

"It's fine." Elliot said, thinking it was anything but. But this was where he needed to be. "Go on and get to work. I already made you late." He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, and then she was off.

Elliot climbed the stairs quietly and checked on Eli. He was still sound asleep in his room. He padded down the stairs again, avoiding the squeaky step, and made his way into the kitchen. Thankfully Kathy had left a pot of coffee, and he poured himself a mug. As he leaned against the counter, he thought about Olivia, and how he could make her understand that his only romantic interest was in her.

Elliot felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and he pulled it out. He saw Olivia's name on the screen, and he didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He braced himself and answered the phone.

"Hey." He said hesitantly, unsure about what he was about to hear.

"Hey."

Olivia's voice came across softly and tentatively as well, as if she wasn't sure if she should be calling. He could almost imagine her sitting on the other end, nervously biting her lip.

"How's Eli?" She asked before he could say anything else.

"I just got here." Elliot said. "Traffic. He's sleeping, but I guess he still has a minor temp. I'll see how he's feeling when he wakes up."

"Good." Olivia said. "I mean…I'm glad that it doesn't seem to be anything serious."

Elliot found he was tense. It was great that she was asking about Eli, but he was waiting for the reason she really called. He had expected absolute silence from her…because that's what she did. So this call…she had decided something and he didn't know if he wanted to hear it.

"Olivia…" He started, wanting to preempt her. "Please tell me that you know that I would have given anything to have breakfast with you this morning. It's just…well… no matter what happens with you and me…my kids are always going to come first." He was being honest because she had to understand that if this was going to work out.

"I know." Olivia said…a whoosh of air coming out as she said it, as if she had been holding her breath.

"We've tried not to make the other kids be babysitters…"

"Elliot. I'm trying to tell you that I understand." Olivia said.

"Oh." Elliot said, realizing she wasn't just saying it to placate him.

"I…" Olivia hesitated a second. "I may have overreacted."

Elliot couldn't help but smile. Olivia Benson admitting she had overreacted was something you didn't hear every day. He wanted to tease her, but things still felt unsettled, and he didn't dare. He still didn't know where this conversation was headed.

"I understand why you felt the way you did." Elliot said honestly. "But I need you to know that when I said my marriage was over, I meant it. It's over. Kathy's seeing someone…and I'm OK with that."

"After last night…I mean dinner and…stuff. It just felt like such a letdown. And my mind couldn't help thinking that I was right back where I'd been…"

"I know." Elliot said. "I _really_ wanted to see you this morning."

"Me too." Olivia said quietly.

"I'll make it up to you." Elliot said. "I promise."

"OK." Olivia said.

"So does this mean we're good?" Elliot asked. He just needed to be sure.

"We're good." Olivia confirmed.

Elliot let out a sigh of relief. "I'm really glad you called Liv. Really glad. All the way over here I was trying to figure out how I could make you understand that I wasn't leading you on."

"I just got scared, and all the shit from our past got in the way again. But as I was thinking, I tried to remember what you'd said. What I'd said. And I realized I may have reacted badly. I was just disappointed."

"I already told you that I was disappointed." He felt bold, now that things seemed to be moving in the right direction. He dropped his voice an octave. "I wanted to see you. I thought maybe I should check on your leg…make sure that everything was ok."

"Elliot." Olivia said somewhat breathlessly. "I need you to delete those photos."

"No way." Elliot said with a small laugh.

"Elliot!"

"Tell you what. Why don't you drive out here to Queens, I'll make you the breakfast I promised you, and we can discuss it." He was met with silence, and he knew Olivia was thinking about it. He knew it would probably be awkward for her to be in Kathy's house, but she'd been there before. "Liv. It's fine. Eli is asleep, and even when he wakes up, he'd love to see you. He really doesn't remember you, but he knows who you are."

He smiled when she finally agreed and hung up the phone. He just hoped there was something in the house he could make for her.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia hadn't arrived in Queens for almost 90 minutes after the call. It had taken her some time to get ready, and traffic across the bridge had been a nightmare. She had to admit she was nervous as she pulled up in front of the familiar house, but then she saw a little blonde, tousled haired kid looking out the window and she smiled. He was waving as she got out of the car, and she waved back. Elliot opened the door before she could even knock, and she stood there awkwardly for a moment, unsure about how to greet him.

She was happy to find out that Elliot had no such confusion. He ushered her inside, and immediately wrapped his arm around her shoulder and leaned in for a kiss.

"Good morning." He said, beaming down at her.

"Good morning." Olivia said. She moved quickly out of his one-armed embraced as Eli popped up from behind the couch.

"Hi!" He said brightly.

Olivia looked over at Elliot. The kid certainly didn't seem sick.

"Tylenol kicked in." Elliot said by way of explanation.

"Hi." Olivia said back to the little boy. "My name is Olivia."

"I know. I have a picture of you." He said. "From when I was borned."

Olivia looked over at Elliot with a question on her face.

"He knows the whole story." Elliot said. "Well, most of it. So he's quite happy to meet the lady in the picture."

Olivia had seen Eli plenty of times, but he had been a baby or a toddler, so he didn't remember. But she was surprised to hear that Eli had a photo of them together. She remembered Elliot taking it…that seemed so long ago.

"Alright Eli. Remember what we said. You need to take it easy today. So you need to hop up here…" Elliot patted the couch. "I'll turn the movie on."

"Can Spiderman watch too?" Eli asked, clutching on to the figurine in his hand.

Elliot laughed. "Yes, Spiderman can watch too." He helped Eli scramble up on the couch and covered him up with a blanket. He turned on the movie and tousled the boy's hair. "I'm going to make us something to eat OK?"

"OK." Eli said, but he was already absorbed in the superhero movie on the TV screen.

Elliot turned to Olivia. "You." He pointed at her. "Come with me." He smiled and snagged her hand, forcing her to follow him into the kitchen. When they had rounded the corner and were out of sight of Eli, Elliot turned and pressed Olivia's body up against the counter. "Now, I can give you a proper good morning kiss." He cupped her face in his hands, and leaned in, capturing her lips with his. Olivia was tentative at first, but then he felt her arms circle his waist as she pulled him against her. She parted her lips and he deepened the kiss, trying to restrain himself but after last night…it was hopeless.

Olivia slipped her tongue between Elliot's lips and he felt a jolt run the length of his body. The things this woman did to him…

He let his hands fall to her hips and then he was sliding his hands down towards her ass. Olivia broke the kiss then, and covered his hands with hers, stopping his progress. "Don't." She said breathlessly as she looked into his eyes. "Just…don't."

Elliot knew what she was saying. Eli was in the next room and they couldn't take things any farther that a few heated kisses. They wouldn't want to stop, and he didn't need to get all wound up again like he had last night. "I know." He placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "I just…" He shook his head and looked back down at her. "I wonder if it's always going to be like this." He said.

Olivia knew exactly what he was saying. Would they ever be able to kiss without wanting to rip each other's clothes off? "It's always like this at first…" She tried to assure him. "Every new relationship is like this…"

Elliot was skeptical, but he'd never had any relationship besides Kathy. He hated the fact that she'd had probably a dozen relationships…maybe more. He really didn't know. And he felt a moment of insecurity.

Olivia reached out and placed the palm of her hand on his chest. "Actually…" She started. "I don't know El. This is…this isn't like anything I've ever felt before." She ran her hand back and forth across his chest. "Maybe it always will be like this for us…" She looked up at him with a shy smile. "We can always hope."

Elliot smiled down at her, pulling her hips towards him. "God, I hope so." He leaned in and kissed her again. Then he released her and took a step back. "OK. I'd better make breakfast now or it's never going to happen." He winked at her. "And then maybe after breakfast…we can discuss those photos you sent."


	24. Chapter 24

Olivia woke when she heard a door close. It took a few seconds for her sleep-addled brain to figure out where she was, but she saw Elliot sound asleep on the other end of the couch and Eli sleeping between them. Some superhero movie had ended on the TV, and the screen was frozen, waiting for a replay or exit from the film. She swiped a hand across her eyes, surprised at how deeply she had been sleeping. The result of her restless, almost non-existent, sleep from the night before.

Olivia remembered the sound of the door then, and she turned to see Kathy walking into the room from the foyer. Olivia glanced over at Elliot, wishing he would wake up, but he was out cold. She glanced back at Kathy and saw she held a finger to her lips, a universal signal for quiet.

Kathy tiptoed over and peeked over the back of the couch, smiling at Eli curled up beneath the warm blanket. She turned and smiled at Olivia, and Olivia wondered what was going through her mind right now. She had no way of knowing what Elliot had told Kathy, but assumed it was very little. Especially with such recent developments. She couldn't imagine Elliot telling Kathy about the kiss and the sexting ( _God…the sexting…she had to get those photos from Elliot_!), in between talk of schedules and temperatures and sick little boys this morning.

Olivia gently slid out from her side of the couch, trying hard not to jostle Eli's feet that had been poking into her thigh. He stirred slightly but never work, and Olivia let out a sigh of relief. She glanced at Elliot one more time, but he hadn't moved a muscle. She turned and saw Kathy point towards the kitchen, and Olivia followed slowly, noticing a grocery bag in her hand. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was a little before 2, and a big part of her wished she would have left when she had planned. But they'd had breakfast, played with Eli, and when he had tired, they had agreed to watch a movie. Eli had begged her to stay, and Elliot had only egged him on.

She had only agreed because Kathy wasn't supposed to be home until 5, and she thought she'd have plenty of time to disappear before she arrived home. Not that she didn't get a long with Kathy. They had a long, complicated history of their own. But that was before Elliot had divorced her.

Olivia stopped stalling and turned the corner, where she saw Kathy unloading some things into the refrigerator. When she was done, she turned and smiled at Olivia. Two seconds later, she was making her way over to where Olivia was standing, and the blonde woman embraced her warmly.

"It's so good to see you." Kathy said in a hushed tone as she stepped back. "You look great!"

Olivia was momentarily dumbfounded. By the hug and the huge smile on Kathy's face. She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting…maybe it was her own guilty conscious that was expecting a cool reception.

"It's good to see you too." Olivia replied automatically, social graces on point.

"I didn't know that you and Elliot had reconnected." Kathy said. "He didn't say anything."

Olivia didn't know how to respond to that. "I…uh…it was recent." She offered. She couldn't even recall how long it had been. A week? It seemed longer.

"I have to say I'm surprised." Kathy said, leaning one hip against the counter. "I kept telling him that he should call you, but you know how he gets…"

Kathy rolled her eyes and Olivia couldn't help but smile. "Yeah." She agreed. "Well, I don't think it was planned. We had something come up on an old case…"

Kathy was nodding, and Olivia realized that Elliot would have told her, since they had been unclear about the threat at first.

"I guess you know all that." Olivia said, not needing to finish the story.

"Yes." Kathy confirmed. "I know he said that someone was coming to the house to pick up a letter or something…"

Olivia could tell she was fishing, but this version varied from what he knew. "Well, Cragen told me that he was bringing it in to the precinct himself."

"Hmmm." Kathy said with a small smile.

"It was a case we had worked on. My first year. And Elliot said…he just knew the perp and said he felt like we should take this on together…" Olivia shrugged. "Because we had worked it…" She knew she was rambling, but she wasn't going to get into the details of the White case and the threats he had made.

"Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad he did." Kathy smiled again. "I've been bugging him now and then about calling you."

Olivia was caught off guard, surprised by Kathy's statement, but she didn't say anything.

"You can't be with someone that many hours in a day for that many days…without being close." Kathy said.

Olivia kept her mouth shut, wondering where this was leading. She was prepared to deny any accusations, but Kathy didn't seem upset. In fact, she seemed genuinely concerned and completely calm.

"Elliot wasn't the same after…" Kathy said, not elaborating on what after meant. But Olivia knew. "It was as if a part of him was missing. There was a big, jagged hole, and he tried to fill it by spending more time with the kids and with me. With friends. He kept busy and tried to pretend like everything was fine." Kathy pressed her lips together. "He adjusted…we all adjusted…to this new normal. But he wasn't happy." Kathy cocked her head. "It was like…he didn't know who he was anymore. Or who he was supposed to be. He missed the job…he missed you."

"I was the job." Olivia said, interrupting Kathy. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear about Elliot's struggle, or that he would want her to hear about it.

"You were not the job Olivia." Kathy said vehemently. "You were a friend…or…" She shook her head, not putting a voice to what was in her head. "I never questioned Elliot's relationship with you because whatever it was…he needed that. He could tell you things he would never tell me. He had the freedom to vent and rage and _feel_. The things about the job that he never wanted to bring home. Good and bad. He trusted you implicitly." She shrugged. "I had to trust you too. At the end of the day, you sent him home in one piece, and I was thankful for that."

"Kathy…I…" Olivia didn't know what to say to that. She realized that Kathy's words lifted a tremendous weight from her shoulders…guilt that had eaten away at her over the years. But she had to let her know that they had never, ever crossed that line. At least not physically. She opened her mouth to speak, but Kathy beat her to it.

"I know Olivia." Kathy said. "I know. And I appreciate everything you've done for Elliot, and for our family over the years." She paused, and Olivia could tell she was choosing her words carefully. "Elliot and I are divorced now. And things are good." She smiled again. "I'm seeing someone…a radiologist from the hospital."

"I'm glad." Olivia said, giving Kathy a warm smile. She'd seen Kathy in some of the toughest times, and she could tell she was happy. Lighter somehow.

"I know it had to be a shock for him to just leave like that." Kathy said. "And I kept telling him…" She waved her hands as if to say _what could she do_? "I want Elliot to be happy."

Olivia felt a warm flush, and she hoped it wasn't coloring her cheeks. She didn't know when she'd lost her poker face, but it was ticking her off. "Elliot and I are trying to talk…" She couldn't help but smile. "But that's never been our strong suit." Olivia admitted, wondering why she was opening up to her partner's (ex-partner's) wife (ex-wife).

"Well, you're here today, so I'm going to take that as a good sign." Kathy said, clearly not wanting to push Olivia to say anything else.

"Hey."

Olivia turned to see Elliot walk into the kitchen behind her, rubbing his hands over his scalp.

"What's going on?" He asked, obviously still half-awake. "You're home early." He said to Kathy, looking at his watch. He walked around Olivia and over to the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of water.

"The hospital was really quiet today, so they said one of us could go home early. And since I was the one with the sick kid, I volunteered."

"You didn't have to do that." Elliot said. "We were managing just fine." He gave Olivia a small smile, and she realized the _we_ had included her.

Kathy swatted at Elliot lightly. "You didn't tell me that you had called Olivia." She said. "I had to find out myself." She shook her head and smiled.

Elliot hung his head slightly, taking the teasing from Kathy. "Yeah, well…it just kind of happened."

"Well…as I was telling Olivia here, I'm glad you finally pulled your head out of your…"

"Hey…" Elliot interjected before she could finish the sentence, but there was a good-natured tone in his voice.

Olivia was happy to see the two of them together like this. There didn't seem to be any animosity between them, which came as somewhat of a shock considering the arguments and turmoil she'd been witness to in the past. But she knew she had only been privy to some parts of their relationship, so there was obviously been more good than bad. Whatever the past…they seemed to be in a good place now, and that made her feel better about whatever happened between she and Elliot.

Elliot smiled at her, but Olivia could see a question in his eyes. He was undoubtedly wondering about the conversation between she and Kathy…wondering what she may have told his ex-wife. But she just smiled back.

"I'd better get going." Olivia said, feeling like it would be awkward if the three of them kept standing here.

"Yeah, me too." Elliot said, taking another swig of water. He gave Kathy a quick update on what Eli had eaten, when he'd given him Tylenol, his temperature the last time he'd taken it, and how long he'd been sleeping.

"Thanks for your help." Kathy said as she followed them out of the kitchen and towards the front door.

"No problem." Elliot said. "Tell Eli I'll call him later today." He opened the door and was already walking down the steps.

Before Olivia could follow, Kathy leaned in and gave her a quick hug. "I really am happy to see you." She whispered in her ear. "I hope things work out."

Kathy pulled back then, leaving Olivia to wonder exactly what Kathy meant. Elliot hadn't seen or heard the exchange, and he turned to look at her.

"Coming?" he asked.

Olivia tossed a confused thanks to Kathy, and then followed the path Elliot had taken towards their cars. When she got to her car, Elliot had turned and was leaning against it.

"So?" He asked.

"So…what?" Olivia said, stopping a few feet away from him.

"You going to tell me what you and Kathy were talking about?"

Olivia gauged his reaction. He didn't seem angry or concerned, just interested. She shook her head. "It was nothing. Just catching up." She pulled her keys from her pocket.

"Hmmph." Elliot said, crossing his arms across his body.

Olivia raised an eyebrow at him. "You think we were talking about you?" She asked, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. She saw Elliot shrug. "Not everything's about you." She teased.

"My ex-wife is talking to my…" Elliot paused, unsure of how to refer to Olivia. Was she his girlfriend? The term didn't seem to fit what they were to each other and yet… He saw Olivia's eyes narrow. He rephrased his sentence. "You're talking to my ex-wife. Yes, I'm going to guess it was about me." Kathy had been pushing him for the past six months to call Olivia. He knew she was probably happy but surprised to see her when she'd gotten home today.

"You're right. We were talking about what a giant pain in the ass you are sometimes." Olivia couldn't help but smile as Elliot rolled his eyes. But he smiled then, and she knew he wasn't going to push it.

"OK. OK. I don't need all the women in my life ganging up on me." He said, putting his hands up in a defensive gesture. He pushed himself off her car, so he was standing about a foot from her. "So now the question is…what are we going to do for the rest of the day?"

Olivia's breath caught in her throat at the question, and at the way he was looking at her. She'd like to tell him to come back to her apartment, so they could finish what they started. But she was uncertain about how he'd react to that…what he'd think if she fell into bed with him so easily. It was undoubtedly what he wanted too…but he was still that Catholic boy beneath the surface.

But he wasn't being particularly subtle about the way his eyes dipped to her mouth, and he had been the one reaching for her ass in the kitchen…

A photo flashed across her mind. The one with Elliot with the sheet slung low on his hips. "You promised me we'd talk about those photos I sent you." She said, regretting having sent them. "I can't believe…" She shook her head. "We know better…"

"Yeah, we do." But somehow, he couldn't regret seeing those photos. "I'll delete them Liv." He leaned in slightly. "But then…I'm going to need some real memories to replace them."


	25. Chapter 25

AN: Thanks to everyone that's read this story. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. This chapter is a little longer than I had planned, and I hope it lives up to everyone's expectations/hopes. Thanks for the support and reviews. Keep them coming!

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot saw a look of uncertainty cross Olivia's face, and then it was gone, replaced with a small smile. But he had seen it. He took a step forward and reached out. "Liv…I'm not pushing…" He reached out, but she stepped back, and looked quickly up at the house.

"Not here." Olivia said quickly, taking a step back to keep the distance between them. She couldn't help but feel that Kathy was watching their interaction.

 _I hope things work out._

Kathy's words ran through her head. Even though it seemed to imply that she was ok with whatever happened between them, it still felt odd after all these years.

Elliot could practically see the wheels turning in Olivia's head, and he wondered what was going through her mind right now. He hoped she knew he wasn't pushing her…in any way. "Hey." He said. "I'm hungry." He jerked his head, indicating something behind him. "There's a small sports bar half a mile from here. Let's have a burger and a beer." He saw that Olivia looked relieved…at least a little…and she nodded. "Just follow me."

Ten minutes later, they were seated in a booth, with a cold glass of beer in front of each of them. They were sitting in silence, and he watched Olivia as she stared at the small, laminated menu. "Get the burger." He said. "Trust me."

Olivia's head popped up and she stared at him for a moment, and he could see the conflict in her eyes. She seemed to realize it and dropped her eyes back to the menu. "OK." She said, letting out a breath. "I'll trust you on this."

Olivia slid the menu over to the side and grabbed her glass of beer. She wrapped her hands around it and stared at the emblem on the glass. She saw Elliot in her peripheral vision, mimicking her actions. She thought about the hundreds of times they'd sat across from each other and cursed herself for making this so awkward. But she couldn't seem to wrap her had around the thoughts and emotions swirling through her mind and body at this moment, and certainly couldn't put it into words.

Elliot thought about her last words. _I'll trust you on this._ A qualifier. He knew trust was a tricky thing. He certainly hadn't earned it back, and he knew all the promises in the world didn't do much…he had to prove it. But that took time. "Liv…" He said tentatively, but she didn't look up. "Olivia." He said more forcefully, and this time, she dropped her hands from her beer and lifted her head.

Elliot saw the waiter move in their direction, and Elliot shot him a glance. Thankfully, the guy took the hint and moved away from them. He focused his attention back on Oliva. "Tell me what's going on." He knew it was vague, but he wasn't going to start peppering her with questions. He knew Olivia…she had to work things out…tell it in her own way.

"Nothing." Olivia said, pressing her lips together. "We're having lunch."

"Don't do that." Elliot said, continuing to look directly at her. "I know how your mind works Liv. I can read your body language. Just talk to me." He knew it was hard for her. Talking about their thoughts and fears and emotions…at least when it came to personal things…had never been something they did. He thought they'd made a lot of progress in this past week or so, but things don't change overnight.

Olivia's eyes dropped back down to her beer, and then picked up the glass and took a long drink. Maybe a little liquid courage would help. She saw Elliot looking at her expectantly. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to him. She just didn't know how to say the things that were racing around in her brain.

"You don't trust me." Elliot said, trying to help her start the conversation.

Olivia narrowed her eyes slightly, mulling over those words. "That's not it. Not exactly."

"I know it's going to take time to earn your trust back." Elliot said. "It's why I told you that we were going to move ahead at your pace." He was slightly frustrated because she was the one that had said they should go for it…take a chance. But he had to tamp that down. This was a complicated situation. "I'm not pushing you Liv. I'm really not. I'm trying to follow your lead."

Olivia shifted in her seat. "I know that. I appreciate that." She grabbed hold of the glass again…just to have something to do with her hands…and focused on the stupid beer emblem. "Two weeks ago, I was working at the station. I had a routine…a partner that I like…and trust. I was seeing someone…" She looked back up at him. "And now…" She shook her head. "I just can't believe that I'm sitting here across from you when I never thought I'd ever see you again."

Elliot could see the emotions playing out in her features, and he wanted to spare her the angst she was going through, but there was nothing he could do. They had to talk this out. He saw her fidget in her seat, and she tapped her short nails against the glass.

Olivia looked up at him. "I told you that I wanted to take a shot at this. That I didn't want to waste any more time being angry or upset about what happened…because…what's the point?"

Elliot nodded, remembering those very words.

"And then you kissed me." She said in a hushed voice. "And it just felt…" She let out a huge breath, unable to put it into words.

"I know." Elliot said quietly, holding her gaze. "I felt it too."

Olivia sat for a few seconds trying to school her thoughts. "But…when you've spent years denying your feelings…a decade telling yourself all the reasons why you shouldn't…why you can't. When you've had endless conversations in your own mind, telling yourself that your feelings aren't real…that you're only connected by the job and proximity and hours spent together…" She took a deep breath. "When you've had so many sleepless nights…wishing…wanting…and then you tell yourself that you're making it into something that it's not…" Olivia looked down at her beer again. "It makes you question what you're really feeling…what you think you know."

Elliot saw her look back up at him expectantly, and he thought about what she had said. "I understand everything that you just said. There were so many things we'd both do differently." He said, sitting up in the booth and leaning forward slightly. "But I don't question…not for one second…that I love you. That I've loved you for a long time." He saw her eyes looked glassy, and she bit down on her bottom lip. "I know this goes against everything we've been in the past, and I know it's not easy for you to just push yourself into the future without carrying the past. I know you'd like to think you can, but I know you…you've been hurt and disappointed to many times in your life to throw caution to the wind." He leaned his arms on the table, staring into her eyes. "I know you…and I understand that." His eyes looked back and forth between hers. "If you tell me that you can't do this, I'll understand. If all you can offer me is friendship…I'll understand. I told you before, I have no right to expect anything from you." He reached out tentatively, placing his fingers against her hands. "But if you decide you want to take a chance on this…on us…you don't need to be afraid. I'll be holding your hand the entire time."

Olivia stared at Elliot, letting him tangle his fingers with hers. She wondered just how much counseling he'd gone too, because once again, he shocked her with his honesty and his ability to understand just what she was trying to convey. It made her realize that he was really committed to what he said.

Elliot could see the surprise on her face, but this was what they needed. They'd had enough years of hiding their emotions and swallowing the things they wanted to say. He squeezed her hand lightly, and then slipped them from hers. The decision had to be hers.

Olivia reached out quickly, and grasped his hands with hers, giving him a small smile. She couldn't let him go. She wanted this…a future with Elliot. "OK." She said, somewhat breathlessly. "But don't let go."

EOEOEOEO

Olivia hated the forced separation as they drove back to Manhattan, but neither one of them wanted to drive back to Queens the next day to pick up a car. She thought back over the rest of the lunch, where the serious talk and turned into a more casual conversation. They had talked and teased…and there was a lot said in between the lines. She was less anxious about the speed at which things were moving forward _(14 years Olivia…14 years…)_ and that he didn't think she was crazy for all the going back and forth _(I know you Olivia…probably better than you know yourself. It'll be ok)._ They hadn't explicitly talked about sleeping together, but as they skirted the subject, she thought that maybe she detected a little bit of nervousness in Elliot too. She wondered if Kathy was the only woman he'd ever slept with ( _she couldn't imagine it was, but he'd been married at such a young age_ ), and if she was as much of a prude as she'd always imagined ( _a man like Elliot couldn't be that vanilla_ ). With the way that man had kissed her...

He certainly hadn't seemed nervous, but they were both going into this with a different set of experiences and expectations. Some of the dreams she'd had…waking and asleep…would probably make Elliot blush. Except she was fairly certain he'd had similar fantasies.

Maybe they would compare them sometimes. Or maybe they could play them out.

Olivia felt her cheeks flush, and then a new thought entered her mind. What if she didn't live up the fantasy he had concocted in his mind? She drummed her fingers nervously on the steering wheel, trying to push those thoughts from her head. She hadn't had one lover walk away disappointed, and while she wasn't sure that was something she should brag about…

The heat…the electricity...between the two of them when they kissed. At just the slightest touch.

She was 1000% certain that it was going to be explosive.

Olivia shifted in her seat, wishing she had just invited him directly over to her apartment. She couldn't sit through another dinner _(do we really need a second date?)_. She let out a heavy sigh and slowed as traffic backed up at the bridge.

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot drummed his hands on the steering wheel. He had so much pent up energy, but he felt good after his conversation over lunch. He knew things could change at a moment's notice…and probably would. But right now, he felt good. This was still all on her terms, and he couldn't even begin to describe the feeling when she had reached across the table and grasped his hands in hers.

She was trusting him with something important, and he was determined not to be careless with it. With her. He wasn't going to mess this up.

They had danced around what to do after leaving the bar. He hadn't wanted to leave her, and he could tell she felt the same. But the car ride home would give them each some time to breathe…to think. Hopefully, not to overthink things.

But he hoped they were past that.

Still, he had suggested dinner tonight. It just didn't feel right to invite her over or to go back to her place. It was inevitable that things might go too far…or at least farther than what she was ready for. He had been truthful when he said he'd wait a year if he had to. Or forever if that was her choice.

God…he hoped it didn't come to that.

He didn't think it would. She hadn't held back when he was kissing her, and he knew she wanted the same thing he did. He hoped she knew it was more than sex. He was pretty sure she did. He had been pretty clear about that.

He wondered if she was nervous, although he couldn't imagine she would be. The chemistry between them had been off the charts.

 _It's never been like this with anyone else._

He wondered if she was being truthful when she'd said that…or if she'd murmured those same words to other lovers.

But then he scolded himself. He had told her to get out of her own head…he had to get out of his. She'd had other relationships…slept with other men. They all had a past. He had to let that go.

He just had to trust what was in front of him right now. That was all that mattered.

He was so lost in thought that he jumped when he heard his cell phone ring. He hit the answer button on his trucks hands free system. "Stabler."

"Hey." Olivia's voice came across the speakers.

"Hey." Elliot said quickly. "Is something wrong?" He had just left her less than 25 minutes ago. "Are you having car trouble? Did you get into an accident?"

Olivia laughed on the other end of the line. "Is this what this is going to be like?"

"What do you mean by that?" Elliot asked, happy to hear her laugh.

"It means…" She thought about the role Elliot took as caregiver…protector…of everything he held dear. She decided she could live with that. "Never mind." She plunged ahead. "I was just thinking…well… I know you don't think I'm much of a cook. But I can cook. I just choose not to. With my schedule and …"

Elliot cut her off with a laugh. "Olivia, are you asking me to come over for dinner?"

"I'm not only asking you over for dinner, but I'm going to cook."

"Wow." Elliot was really surprised by her invitation. And not just the cooking part…it was the intimacy that her apartment provided. He tried not to read anything into it. It was just dinner. "I'd love that."

"OK. Be at my place at 8."

She had hung up before Elliot could say another word, but he felt a huge smile cross his face as he finally drove over the bridge into Manhattan.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia had been nervous before Elliot had shown up, and she had tried to focus on making dinner and getting ready. As she sat across from him now, both seated at the small table in the corner of her living room, she didn't know why she'd been nervous. He had gone on and on about dinner, although she finally told him to knock it over for being over complimentary, and she could tell he loved the simple black dress she had chosen to wear. She had debated for over a half an hour, holding jeans in one hand and the dress in the other, but ultimately, she was glad she had chosen it because Elliot had shown up in black slacks and a white dress shirt…sleeves rolled up as usual. He looked good, and she was glad she had made the effort.

Music was playing lightly in the background, and the candles on the table flickered, providing a little extra light in the dim room. Olivia took another sip of wine and leaned back in her chair. She smiled over at Elliot. "Let me know when you're ready for dessert." She said, thankful that Elliot had brought some treats from a local bakery. She hadn't even thought about it.

"I'm stuffed." Elliot said, pushing his plate forward. "That was really good." He raised one eyebrow as he looked at her. "If I would have known you could cook…" He teased as he shrugged his shoulders.

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, yeah."

They sat there for a moment, and Olivia didn't know what was going to happen next. Elliot had kissed her when he walked in the door, but it had been quick, and he had carefully maintained his distance as she had finished up dinner. She appreciated his respect for boundaries, but he was clearly going to take his cues from her.

"Maybe we should call it a night." Elliot said. He stood up and started picking up the dishes. He could feel some tension, and he didn't want to make her feel awkward. "It's been a long day."

"No." Olivia said quickly, standing up as well. "I mean…" She tempered her voice. "Don't feel like you have to go. Maybe we can watch a movie or a hockey game or something." She pushed his hand down. "Put the dishes down. I'll do them tomorrow."

"Do you really want me to stay?" Elliot asked, looking into her eyes.

Olivia ran her tongue across her lips. "I do." She put her hand over his. "Stay."

Elliot nodded. "OK. I'll stay for a while." He saw Olivia smile, and he was glad he'd agreed. "Let's at least clear the dishes. Do you have a dishwasher?"

"Yes." Olivia looked over towards her bedroom door. "I think I'm going to change into something more casual…if you don't mind."

"I don't mind at all. Even though…" Elliot let his eyes sweep over her body. "I _do_ like that dress." He gave her a mischievous smile and then leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on her brow. "You're so damned beautiful." He whispered.

Olivia felt her cheeks color slightly, and she wondered why this compliment meant so much more from Elliot than from anyone else that her told her the exact same thing. "Thank you." She ran a hand lightly down his left cheek. "You look pretty good yourself." She gave him a sly smile and then turned and headed towards her bedroom.

She was halfway to her bedroom when she stopped. She turned, dropping her head slightly as she gazed back at Elliot through her eyelashes. She saw that he had been watching her…and he lifted his head to look her in the eye. Olivia gave him a small smile and looked over her shoulder. "Do you mind?" She asked quietly.

Elliot knew what she was asking…and he only hesitated a second before he closed the space between them. Olivia turned her head away from him and dropped her head slightly as he neared. Elliot reached up tentatively and brushed her hair aside with the softest of touches. His fingers brushed against her skin, and his nose was filled with a heady mixture of her perfume and shampoo. He grabbed the zipper pull and dragged it down slowly, revealing an expanse of dark skin…and then the black lace of her bra. He slowed then…

Elliot felt a small jolt from Olivia…a sharp intake of breath… as he reached out with his left hand and touched his fingers very lightly at the base of her neck. He slid his fingers down the ridge of her spine…following the trail of exposed skin. His fingers and his eyes slid down her skin as he continued to lower the zipper. He stopped when he saw a glimpse of black lace and he let out a breath…slowly.

He waited for Olivia to tell him thank you and continue to her room…or to tell him to stop…but her only reaction was an outbreak of goosebumps across her skin as his fingers rested on her lower back. Elliot took a half step closer, and ran both hands up her soft, smooth skin, pushing the sides of her dress farther apart as he flattened his palms against her shoulder blades. He hesitated a second…still waiting for her to say something…but then he brushed the dress off her shoulders. The soft, black material fell to her hips, and he slid his hands down her sides, hearing another intake of breath. He grasped the fabric and pushed it down farther…his thumbs brushing the fabric of her underwear as it fell to the floor. Elliot slid one hand into the ridge of her waist as he leaned in and pressed a kiss into the soft skin where her neck met her shoulder. Olivia dropped her head to the side, giving him access and he took that as her silent permission to continue.

Which was damned good because he didn't want to stop.

He was mesmerized by the small things. The taste of her on his lips…the feel of her beneath his fingertips…how a loose strand of hair tickled his skin. He kissed his way down her shoulder as the fingers of his left hand massaged the skin at her waist. And then his right hand slipped lightly over her right arm, and he was pulling her body against his…sliding his hands around her waist and holding her. Olivia dropped her head back against his shoulder, and Elliot peppered the side of her face with small, light kisses. Olivia was moaning lightly as he splayed his hands against her stomach…and he buried his face in her neck, whispering her name.

They stood like that for a moment, swaying slightly, and Elliot hummed against her skin. He was in no hurry to move…but then he felt Olivia's hands on his...stilling his movements. He wondered if this was the brakes, but then she was asking him to kiss her and she was turning around to face him.

Olivia let Elliot's hands slide to her lower back as she pressed her mouth to his. She kissed him eagerly…her body already reacting to the slow tease of his hands on her skin and the kisses he'd trailed down her shoulder. She slid her left hand around the back of his neck, trying to pull him closer as she slid her tongue between his lips. She could feel his fingers toying with the waistband of her underwear…and then they were dancing lightly across her skin, and she let out a small moan into his mouth. She pressed the palm of her hand against his chest, and she broke the kiss. "Take it off." She rasped against his mouth as she tugged his shirt from his pants.

Elliot put a hand over hers, holding it against his chest. "First…let me look at you."

Olivia had never been ashamed of her body, but suddenly, she felt a bout of self-consciousness. She stayed in shape, but the years had added weight and curves. But Elliot was already stepping back, holding her hands in his until he was forced to drop them. She started to look away as his eyes took her in, but then she saw the look in his eyes…the emotions playing out on his face.

Lust…love…longing.

Like she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"God Liv…" Elliot whispered.

"Shhh." She whispered, moving closer and pressing her fingers to his lips. She didn't need to hear the words. She slid her hands down his sides, wrapping her fingers around his belt as she pressed her lips against his. When she released his mouth, she started moving backwards. She realized she was still wearing her heels, and she paused to kick them off.

Eliot gave her a lascivious look. "Leave them on." He said, his voice deep and husky.

Olivia was surprised by his comment, and she raised an eyebrow and gave him a small smile. She didn't say a word, but kept her hands wrapped around his belt as she tugged him towards her bedroom. Elliot's eyes never left hers, but she heard him exhale loudly as they crossed the threshold of her room.

Elliot almost couldn't believe this was happening. A nearly naked Olivia had led him into her bedroom, and he was on sensory overload. He took his eyes off her only for a moment to take in the queen-sized bed and the pale blue walls. And then she was turning him, so his back was to the bed, and she was unbuttoning his shirt. The moment she pushed the shirt of his shoulders, her lips were pressed against his chest. Olivia trailed her tongue across his chest as her hands unbuckled his belt. He felt her tug at his belt, and then he felt his pants slipping to the floor. He grabbed her hands as she started to slide her hand over his hard length, and she lifted her head to look at him…a question in her eyes. "First things first…" He grumbled as he turned and pushed her backwards slightly.

Olivia hadn't been expecting it, and she let out a small gasp as she fell backwards. But she let out a small laugh as she landed on the soft bed. Her laugh turned into a sly mile as she saw Elliot standing in between her legs…wearing nothing but his briefs. His erection was long and hard, and she ran her tongue across her top lip, letting her eyes wander over his hard body.

Olivia pulled herself back slightly on the bed and propped herself up on her elbows. Up until that moment, neither one of the had said much of anything, and she was surprised at how slowly they had moved to get to this point. It was slow and sensual…erotic. The exact opposite of what she had expected.

Elliot lifted her left leg and slowly removed her shoe. He did the same with her right, but then he dropped down on his knees. He kissed the inside of her right ankle…and then on her left. He pushed her legs apart slightly as he worked his way up her legs, crawling on to the bed slightly as he reached the spot just above her knee. He was looking up at her as he pressed his lips against her skin…moving at such a slow rate that Olivia thought she might die of anticipation. She felt her legs trembling, and she arched her back slightly, wanting to feel his mouth in the most intimate of places.

Elliot watched as Olivia closed her eyes and tilted her head backwards, and he heard her moan as he kissed her inner thigh. He slid his hand up her other leg, rubbing his thumb against the sensitive skin. He could feel her body arching into him…could feel her heat.

He stopped when he saw the angry red scar on her thigh…he rubbed his thumb over it lightly…thinking about the fact that she could have been taken from him. But then Olivia moaned his name and he continued his journey up her body. He opened her legs a little more, and she cried out as he dragged his teeth over her covered mound. She was trembling as he placed gentle kisses over her stomach, until he reached the lace of her bra. He straddled her thigh with his legs, and he pressed his thigh against her as he covered her lace-covered breast with his mouth. He bit down lightly, and she writhed against him.

Olivia was aching with want…she wanted the last of their barriers removed. She snaked her hand down to his briefs, and tugged at the waistband, but Elliot took one hand and pinned it near her head. "Patience." He said as his mouth ghosted over hers. "We've got a way to go before that's going to happen." He didn't give her a chance to protest as he grasped her mouth with his. He plunged his tongue between her lips and kissed her deeply, feeling her body arching against his.

Olivia pushed against Elliot's hand, trying to free herself. She was used to being in charge in the bedroom, but she trusted Elliot implicitly. It was an incredible turn-on to let go of the control…to have him be in charge…but knowing she was the one that had ultimate control. She felt her bra slip from her body…Elliot's lips and tongue tasting…teasing…

He was marking her and she knew that by morning, they would both bear the marks of their love-making.

Olivia arched her back again, tracing the skin of his back with her fingers and her nails as he opened up chasms of pleasure inside her. When he slid her underwear down her hips, she was so far gone that one touch of his tongue sent her over the edge…an unbelievable sound erupting from her core. He didn't give her any time to recover before his fingers slipped inside of her…pushing and stretching her. His tongue was on her clit and it didn't take long for another orgasm to rip through her body.

Olivia was pushing at his hips then, trying to drag his underwear from his body because she wanted him inside of her now. As much as she wanted to explore his body the same way he had hers…she couldn't wait another second to feel him moving inside of her. She gasped Elliot's name and twisted her body. "I need you." She rasped out.

Elliot's fingers slipped from inside of her and he was crawling up her sweat covered body. He felt Olivia's hands at his hips and she was dragging them down, pulling them off completely with her foot. She lifted her hips and his erection pressed against her core. He gasped at the contact…his erection throbbing with want.

"Liv." He managed to say…his breath heavy as he looked down at her. "Tell me yes."

Olivia was too focused on getting him inside of her to hear what he was saying. She braced her feet on the bed, and lifted her hips, feeling him at her entrance. She was so wet…so ready for him…and she let out a sound of frustration as he held his body above hers.

"Olivia." Elliot said her name more insistently. "Look at me."

Olivia looked up at him then.

"Tell me that you want this…" He whispered, grazing his lips over hers.

"I want this." She whispered.

Elliot smiled then. "I love you." He kissed her deeply then, and their breath was as one as he pushed inside of her. She was so tight after the orgasms he had coaxed from her body, and he moaned into her mouth as the sensation of her walls as they closed around him. He pulled out slightly, but then pushed back inside, going deeper, until their hips connected. "Christ…" He muttered as he released her mouth and dropped his head to her shoulder. He stayed there for a moment, trying to give her body time to adjust. But then she was urging him on.

The room was filled with the sounds of their bodies connecting…and the moans coming from both of them. At one point, Olivia urged him to move harder…faster…and he was happy to oblige. He felt his arms falter as he held himself over her, and then he felt her heels digging into his ass. He couldn't possibly get any deeper…and he didn't know how much longer he could hold on. But Olivia's moans were coming faster…she was getting louder…

He slipped his hand between them and swiped her clit and he felt her body tighten around him. She as so close…

"Come for me Liv." He whispered, then he sent her over the edge. He watched her face as she threw her head back and closed her eyes, and it was the most erotic sight he had seen. Her body tightened so hard around him…and he couldn't hold back a moment longer. He emptied himself inside of her…hearing a string of unintelligible words slip from her lips as she arched her back again and dug her nails into his skin.

Elliot collapsed against her but managed to hold most of his weight off her. He let out a loud groan as her muscles continued to contract around him, and he felt her long legs wrap around him, holding him in place. They lay like that for several minutes, but then Olivia was shifting beneath him. He lifted his weight, and she let out a small sound as he pulled out of her. "Sorry." He whispered against her cheek, but then he lowered himself to lay next to her. He saw her close her legs and lift her hips slightly, adjusting her body on the bed. "I didn't hurt you, did I?" He hadn't even thought about it…their bodies seemed to be so in tune. A perfect fit. But she had been so tight…and he'd been so deep. And he hadn't been gentle with her.

He kicked himself mentally…going after her like that. Pinning her to the bed…pounding into her…

"I'm fine." She said, her voice soft.

He looked down at her. "I should have taken things more slowly…"

Olivia swatted at his arm. "If you would have taken things any more slowly…" She smiled. "Let's just say that patience isn't one of my virtues." She rolled over then, and slid one leg across his thighs, straddling him. She rested her thighs on his, keeping some of her weight on her legs.

Elliot reached up and rested his hands on her hips. "You're so fucking beautiful."

Olivia felt herself blush slightly. "Flattery will get you everywhere." She took his hands and slid them up to her breasts, letting her head fall back as Elliot took the weight of them in his hands and ran his thumbs across her nipples. Her thighs tightened around his, and even though her body was deliciously sore, she wanted to feel him pushing inside of her again. Her eyes closed as she slid his hands down her body, and she silently urged him on. But then she felt his fingers linger at the scar on her leg, and her eyes popped open. She lifted her head and looked down at him. Olivia saw his eyes were focused on the slash of raised skin. She wasn't certain what was going through his head right now, so she placed her hand over his. "I'm fine El."

"I know." He whispered softly as he looked back up at her. His eyes moved to her neck…seeking…searching. He spotted the small white scar… so faded that you wouldn't notice it if you didn't know where to look. He pushed her gently, and Olivia fell back onto the bed. He lay on her side and slid his fingers to the small scar. "Do you remember?" But it was a rhetorical question because neither of them would ever forget that moment. "I thought I'd lost you." His hand fell to her leg. "And then…another maniac almost took you away from me again."

Olivia pushed Elliot onto his back once again and splayed the palm of her hand against his cheek. "I'm here El…I'm not going anywhere."

"I know…it's just." He tucked her hair behind her ear. "So much time wasted. If I wouldn't have ever had a chance to tell you that I love you…" Elliot pulled her against him, the ferociousness of his feelings for her taking over. He kissed her deeply, wrapping an arm around her as she slid on top of his body. When he released her mouth, he looked into her eyes. "I love you."

A slow, lazy smile crossed Olivia's lips. "I love you too." She grasped his chin and looked into his eyes. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. The past…it's in the past. Let's leave it there. Forget about Gitano. Forget about Richard White. I don't want to dwell on the past…on how things could have been different. I want to enjoy this moment…where we are now." She kissed him slowly…deeply. "OK? Do you think we can do that?"

Elliot ran his fingers through her hair. "Yes. You're right."

"So…are we going to keep talking? Or do you have any other ideas?" Olivia teased.

Elliot rolled her over, pinning her body with his. His eyes twinkled as he stared down at her. "I have lots of ideas."

"That's good." Olivia said as she trailed her fingers down her back. "Because I seem to remember that someone promised me some new memories…"

Elliot ghosted his lips over hers. "It's a good thing I'm a man of my word."

The End.


End file.
